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#408780 - 04/18/08 07:02 PM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Alexandra]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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Registered: 01/04/04
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Originally Posted By: Alexandra
For me, the resulting temporary satisfaction at having gotten something "off my chest" is outweighed by the negative results it would have, in planting 'prejudice' and disquiet, judgement and criticism in your minds. That would be potentially and possibly steering you towards unfavourable opinions of other people and parties, at the centre of my venting, which would put them in a bad light. Before you've even met them, spoken to them, seen them or gotten to know them!


I definitely agree that venting for the "pleasure" of venting can be harmful for various reasons, and that it gets you into the mindset of spewing negative emotions into the world. That can become addictive!

I suppose I see a difference between venting and problem solving, though. What if I say:

"My boyfriend tends to procrastinate on finishing projects around the house. We begin a project, and he gets distracted and it doesn't get done. Does anybody have any ideas for solving this?"

That isn't venting to me. It is an issue that exists, and that solutions do exist to - but I don't know them. Finding solutions makes everybody's life far better. To me that's not really different to saying "my boyfriend's eyesight is not 20/20 - what solutions are there to help his vision". Or perhaps "He doesn't eat a proper volume of veggies a day - any ideas to help him eat more."

But again, I don't mean to pressure. I just think every human needs to talk to other humans about issues - not just journal them. Maybe you have a therapist or someone you talk to smile
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#415100 - 05/05/08 10:31 AM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
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Registered: 02/26/03
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Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
This is interesting. Today while DH was upset with my dog (i got my chihuahua back, Lisa) for peeing on the porch outside, I was noticing he was upset.

I asked him, "can you feel displeased without getting actually upset?"

It was an odd moment. I felt, yes, getting worked up was just a knee-jerk reaction and not needed, as we've been over this ground before. As in, yes, I know it's a pain when he does this, and we will work to break him of this habit, but isn't it stressful to go right back into the being upset mode?

This is hard to explain. I wanted to say to him: feel your displeasure but don't let it ruin your equanimity.

Is this strange?

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#415110 - 05/05/08 10:50 AM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Jilly]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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That's awesome about the pup coming back!! Congratulations!!

I think you are very right to see a difference between "this should not happen" and "I am going to have my emotions ruined because of a minor incident". Yes, I can be "not thrilled" if the light turns red as I approach it. But my being upset isn't going to change things! I can see that now I have time to do a meditation that can last a whole light cycle, and be refreshed when it's green again.

I realize I used to think of this sort of thing as "new age fiddle faddle" when I was younger. But the more I go through life, the more I realize it's just not worth it to add to *my* stress (my cortisol levels, my bodily wear and tear, etc) over things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't matter. The people who live long healthy lives are the ones who let things slide. They care - they do great works of compassion - but they don't let the little things bug them.

So yes definitely a dog shouldn't pee on the porch. But in the grand scheme of things, dogs need to be trained. It is an ongoing process. So if you see a dog doing something incorrectly, it means you as the owner haven't finished the job of training, and you need to work on it more. It's not like the dog does it to personally harass you. It's actually "your failing" as the master to not have made that more clear - or "your failing" to expect the pup to have innately known the rules before training was complete.

It would be like Yoda being upset at a jedi trainee kid for accidentally dumping a friend on his head. It doesn't make sense smile

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#415114 - 05/05/08 10:53 AM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Jilly]
BellaDeb Offline
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Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 3053
Loc: Memphis, TN
So, Lisa, if you are not just being hypothetical about the unfinished projects, (and if you are, perhaps someone else will find this helpful), I have found that guys really like to cross things off lists. So, maybe if you make a list (start really small with just a few things or even a few steps on a current project) for him that could help.

I think one key to this is to give them the list and then praise like crazy when they do something on it. Nagging won't help, let them proceed at their own pace/schedule.

And, if you can do a joint-venture kind of thing--as in "here's what needs to happen, can we split the tasks?" Or, just make two lists--one for you & one for him. Maybe make it fun by racing to see who gets through first. Loser gives the winner a foot rub or something.



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#415262 - 05/05/08 05:53 PM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: BellaDeb]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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Registered: 01/04/04
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LOL you are correct, I was not being hypothetical smile Our house is full of undone projects.

I agree completely that nagging has never worked.

I have been focusing on praising profusely when there is progress. For example, the living room had gotten full of his band equipment pretty much the moment I cleaned it out last time (a few months ago). On Thursday he took it out to go to a gig. I immediately started praising how lovely and open and clean the living room is - and he is saying it too now. So the band gear hasn't come back into the living room.

It's sitting in the back of my car still - so this isn't a long term solution - but I am hoping that by being so vocally happy about the clean living room, we can find another "home" for that band gear to live in.

He is having a tooth pulled tomorrow, so that'll put off any other "changes" for a week or so. So for example the lawn really needs seed and fertilizer and such put down, and he hasn't done it, so I will just have to do it myself. So that is always an option too ... in my spare time smile
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#415453 - 05/06/08 10:20 AM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/26/03
Posts: 14392
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
Lisa, I am all over Praising the Positive and ignoring everything else. This is what I was trained to do when i worked at Outward Bound. It works - it's amazing - aaaaand it takes a tremendous amount of awareness on my part. Awareness to not fall into old habits of reaction.

When i am feeling stable i do a pretty good daily job of it.

But if I am the slightest bit off-center...boom, down the old paths, the well-worn ruts and grooves...heehee

Yoga helps. I keep saying that but it's so true.

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#417489 - 05/11/08 10:38 PM Re: Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner [Re: Jilly]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 22516
Right that is so true - we build habits in our world based on what is easy and we fall into those unless we really pay attention. It's why it's so important to have the things you do each day be things you are happy with doing!

Yoga is great smile
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