BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Pagan Early Experiences

Hello all! This is my first post, but I stumbled upon this forum and couldn't resist. When I was younger (age 14-16) I was very interested in paganism. So, I did some research. I read everything I could get my hands on, bought books in secret and hid them around my room. I was so enthralled by what I read. One day, coming home from a sleepover with friends, I found my mother in tears at the breakfast table. I asked her what was wrong & she told me that someone in the family had died. I was horrified and asked who. Then I saw that she had all the books I had hidden stacked up on the table. She explained that the person she knew as her daughter (me) was dead to her if I didn't stop my sinful behavior. Long story short, I spent the next few months in my room & all the books and pagan objects I had were detroyed. I haven't touched anything on the subject since, and still feel the sting of that day when I think about it. I'm wondering if any of you experienced similar rejection when beginning to practice.

I experience it now. I grew up in a weird family. My father, who I believe is schizophrenic, was torn between generations of being a Jehovah's Witness (all the way back to the beginning) and a what-I-would-call-today, Luciferian Satanist. He believed we should worship the god of Light in the daytime that he associated with the Judeo-Christian Father God of Jehovah and worship the god of Darkness/Secret Knowledge in the nighttime, or who he associated with the gnostic/Christian Lucifer. He believed he was a chosen one and that I was too. It is not so much of a stretch to link the JWs with Luciferianism when you realize they had alot of early Masonic connections and they almost overactively seem obsessed with demons. I had my own private Watcher/Demon like other kids have a Guardian Angel.

OK so I am not a psychotic serial killer now because of that upbringing, but I find my spiritual path a little obscure sometimes because of the way I grew up. I decided that IF Christianity was ever valid, it would have to go back to it's roots which are Catholicism. And IF there is a link in Paganism, then it probably DID come thru some kind of Luciferianism or left-hand path. (Just MY opinion folks--I am telling you to explain how I got to where I am now.) So when I found out my ethnicity included Sicilian and I married a half-Italian I started looking into Stregheria. But I rejected the Americanized version and went for the Traditional. It is a continental balance of Italain/Greek folk Craft and Gnostic/medeival Catholicism. What this means is that I am completely and totally rejected by everyone I ever knew or loved.
JWs do not let you 'out'. You are shunned and treated as worse than dead. I lost all my friends--and thru the years I literally knew hundreds of people personally (it IS a cult you know). I lost my family that is JW and the ones who are not have rejected me for being Catholic now! It seems being Catholic is worse than being a witch! So being a Catholic witch is the worst thing I could have ever become. My mother and my sister talk to me, I see them maybe once a year. I have not had any contact with my father except for when my grandmother died 4 years ago--and I was not welcome at her funeral. I have one aunt on each side who still speaks to me--again I see them maybe once a year when I visit mom. I even have a cousin who is Wicca who will not see me because she thinks I am a Satanist and she rejects the Catholic part too! I would never choose to be rejected. But the deities who chose me are the ones who chose me! I go where I am called.
What can I do? I still have my Guardian-Watcher, he will never leave me.

Thank you both for sharing you experiences.

lady4- I'm sorry that your mother equated you exploring different spiritual subjects with being dead. That's pretty extreme.

RavynG- I'm sorry your family and friends are so harsh still regarding your beliefs. I have some of the same experience, and it can be very painful. The only thing I know about Luciferianism is from Michael Ford's work, which I find fascinating. May I ask if you learned Stregheria from a teacher or a particular author?

My background is very Southern Baptist on my father's side and for lack of a better term, Free Will Baptist on my mother's side. I didn't attend church until about age 10 when my parents divorced because my father rejected his upbringing. However, Christianity was still a big part of my life from day 1 as we lived right next to my very Christian grandparents.

For a few years after the divorce while living with my mother, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach during church sermons, especially when the pastor told us all what terrible sinners we were. I just always felt that I didn't belong. At age 13, I told my mother I just couldn't take it anymore and refused to attend church. My grandmother, who lived with us, threatened to physically drag me to church. After much kicking and screaming, they gave up. My mother couldn't bring herself to be physically abusive over the issue. The only times I have been back to that church was once for their 50-year anniversary celebration and for my grandmother's funeral in which the pastor publicly tried to save my soul from the pulpit, which I thought was in incredibly poor taste. The only thing that would bring me back again is a wedding or a funeral in my family.

However, mom still rejects my spirituality and still hopes that I will come back to the fold and be saved from going to hell. We just try to avoid the subject now as it only causes arguments.

I learned witchcraft from my husband's grandmother and great grandmother. Because of the secretive nature of many old folkways there really is no legitimate writings on stregheria/stregoneria, in fact authentic Italian stregas do not even call it by those terms. It is very hard to learn without being 'in the family'. And even then if you are just married in it takes many many years to be trusted with all the secrets if ever.

I spent a large portion of my formative years in South Central Texas. Mostly in heavily urban, hispanic/latin flavored neighborhoods. There was always a bruja/brujo around somewhere. Even though much of the area is mostly Christian in nature (Catholic or evangelical Christian), no one really had a problem with it--at least not until recently. I'm not a practitioner, though I'll visit with them for a good folk remedy; but I do see that the younger generation is a bit stigmatized. Mostly its in areas where Christianity that's not so tied to spiritualism has come to dominate a neighborhood.

I struggled most of my life with trying to live up to my mother's expectations. I seemed to disappoint her time and time again. I was miserable, consumed by guilt, low self worth, depression, etc. Finally, I met a wonderful, caring and wise woman who saved my life. I was in my early 30's by this time and a single mother of 3. I had failed at pretty much everything I had attempted, but I had tried to do the "right thing" and couldn't understand why I screwed it up every time. Mary simply told me I was failing because I was trying to live up to what others expected and not being true to myself. She said I needed to look within myself to find the answers and then I needed to live up to what I expected, being true to my beliefs even if it meant not being what my mother expected. I discovered with time I was hurting because I was killing my true self by trying to be what my mom expected. Mom's are supposed to teach their children the tools necessary to live and grow and to become the best they possibly can be in whatever life holds for them. My life changed from that point on and so did my childrens because I was able to help them learn to love themselves. So, while it may have been the day you died in your mom's eyes, it was the day your true self was born. Be true to yourself. Love yourself. Understand there will be differences and not everybody is going to like your decisions, but as long as you live up to your expectation of yourself, you will overcome it all. I now have 3 healthy, successful, grown children. Each is unique, yet the same, but none ended up suffering and struggling the way I did. I believe it is because I taught them it was ok to make mistakes and to be different.