BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Do you fantasize about a lost love?

Even if you are happily married or in a long-term relationship, have you ever fantasized about being with a lost love from your past?

I have often wondered about my "first love".

He was a really great guy, and other than my husband - the only guy thst never hurt me. But I was really young(13) and he was 5 years older than me, so my parents made us break up.

It's a total fantasy, because I am sooooo different from when I was then (a kid!), but it's still a little bitter-sweet to think about.

Oddly, no. The closest I get to that is missing the strong friendship I had with the guy I refer to (even in front of my fiance) as "my favorite ex." We were friends for a long time before we dated. The break up was quiet, and we drifted a bit a apart over the years. We're still in touch, but not terribly close. We comment on each other's blogs, and keep up to date in each other's lives (he's married with a son and and step daughter now, and loving his life), but I miss being "buddies" with him. We've both grown into very different people, but years ago, even before we dated, we were a lot alike and really communicated well, especially on certain common ground topics.

I think these sorts of thoughts about exes tend to point toward a weakness in one's current relationship. There is one field of interest to me, one side of my personality and history, that my fiance doesn't "get," not in the slightest. The poor guy tries, but it's just not something he can relate to. That aspect of me is completely outside his realm of understanding. I'm ok with that. There are one or two things about him I'll never understand, either. *shrug* It's not an issue for us, being just a bit too different from each other to "get" everything keeps us talking.

But the one part of me he doesn't get is the thing I had most in common with "my favorite ex." What I'm getting at is I think I miss those long talks on that interest with that particular ex simply because it's the one part of me my fiance can't understand. Its a very minor weakness in our relationship, more of a tiny imperfection that a weakness, even, but I think that little gap in understanding (an interest which is almost irrelevant in my current life, I forgot to add!) is the main reason I miss talking to my favorite ex. I know that my favorite ex (as he was years ago) could fill that little hole, but I also know we're both much better off with our current partners, so I enjoy the relationship I have, and my fiance and I keep talking, spending years of conversations trying to get closer to "getting" every aspect of each other. It's a really fun challenge, after all!

I not fantasized; I got in touch with him last summer! My marriage was going through a really rough patch, and I decided to try to find him (after 25 years of silence). He's happily married, and on a vacation, I got to spend some time with him and his wife (who is wonderful). I am very happy that his life has turned out well, and we talk fairly regularly on the phone now. It is really nice to have him back as a friend, even though there is no romance.

ABSOLUTELY! My lost love came back. For three years I reminisced, fantasized and daydreamed about him. I even prayed (I know this is corny)"Jesus lost and found bring my love around". What I didn't expect was the real thing being SO MUCH better than my imagination.

I think each of us is a multi-faceted person and no one person can match us exactly. That's why it's important to have friends and family so we can have multiple people to match all our aspects.

I've actually thought about this a fair amount. There isn't anyone in my past I would want to "go back to". Each guy I dated was nice - but not good for what I need in life now. Some weren't even what I needed in life back then

For example I recently had a lunch with my first boyfriend, who I dated all junior year in high school. He was nice enough, but he was a hacker, and I am a programmer. So for him to be stealing software and such, while I make a living off of writing software, bothers me. Also, when I went to see my ex, I told my current boyfriend (we've been together for 13 years) and he knew where I was. While at lunch. my ex's wife called and apparently she had no idea where he was. So that alone made me feel really uncomfortable, that he was lying to her.

I just had to search up this thread again...

We are getting ready for our 20 yr class reunion, plus I am cleaning out my basement - so a lot of old memories are coming up.

A lot of us are getting together on MySpace pre-reunion, catching up and stuff, and I've been searching up some names. On a whim I decided to search up a couple of old boyfriends.

One was the guy that I would have imagined I would have married had I not been raped in college. We had dated the entire summer before I left for college, and we still went out every weekend I came home - bit we decided not to be exclusive while I was a state away. So in the interim dating is when I was date-raped. And because of thsat I wound up breaking up with this guy. (I was completely screwed up in the head, obviously).

He was such a good guy, a really good Christian (he works as a youth minister now, matter if fact) we even met through a church performance where I was singing and he did the sound system.

I have kept the convo with him very light on MySpace, judt catching up a little. But there is a very significant part of me thst wants to explain everything to him.

But i am happily married and so is he, and I don't want him to think I am trying to start anything up.

What should I do?

BTW - I would love to get some of the guys POVs on this one, too. (see above post)

Of course right now I would just be happy if anyone responded to me, LOL!

Pleeeeeeaaaaaase.

You know what Michelle? I think he deserves an explanation. This is no way devalues the horrible date-rape that you endured. Being completely unsettled and fearful is normal.

Sometimes people will go a lifetime with the idea that they did something wrong and that is what caused a break-up. They may even spend agonizing hours trying to think of what they said or did.

If he is as nice a guy as you remember, and since he is into his religion so deeply, I think you would gain something by explaining why you broke off the relationship.

I agree. I think it would be good, healthy closure for both of you, rather than "trying to start anything up".

Michelle,

I would tell him everything. I am sure you will find that he is very understanding about it and I believe that God had a part in leading you two down the paths that you both have gone and where you are today.

I am not saying that God led you into the abusive relationships and my only explanation for those is that you were not a Christian then OR you went into those relationships without consulting with God first and see where the path would have led you differently.

If you think back, there may have been some warning signs about getting into those abusive relationships. Signs you either ignored or explained away.

If you don't tell him everything, it may eat at you and you will regret not taking the opportunity too. Remember what I said about signs. Pray about it and then listen for God's voice and His direction.

Wow! That is a tough one to try to advise on. It depends on so many things. Do you want to bring up the past if you both are happily married to others? Do you feel he was really hurt when you broke up with him and deserves an explanation? If you open up the past emtions will you both be ready to deal with whatever comes up? Do you feel guilty and need to tell him - or would that just be unloading your guilt to dump on him? I am truly not being rude, just trying to imagine what I would do in the same situation. You could always bring it up lightly with some happy memory. Does he know why you broke up with him? Does he know about the rape and the strong emotions you went through? Have you ever asked him "Do you ever wonder why we broke up?" in a light manner and get some idea of how he feels about it. He may want to just leave it in the past.

That's a toughie, Michelle.

I think I tend to agree with Vance on the paths you both chose and that God had a hand in it - leading you to where you are now for a specific reason.

Thanks guys, I've been literally making myself sick over this thing.

I've talked about it with my husband, asking if he minded, and he said he thought it might be good for me, too.

Now I just have to figure out the words to say so that HIS wife doesn't think I'm trying to start anything up.

I'm honestly coming unglued about a lot of stuff right now, sleeping and nightmares are not good-and the rape lies heavily on my mind. (I couldn't remember the guys name, and thast freaked me out- shouldn't I rmember the name of the guy thsat raped me?!?)

I think I will be going back to my dr. with all of this...

Michelle,

Why don't you approach his wife first and talk with her about it or tell her everything and then let her tell him and just explain to her that you are just wanting to tell him because you dumped him without explanation and it has been eating at you and you just want to clear the air.

I am sure she will understand as well.

He actually does know about the rape, because the very last time I saw him, I couldn't handle him touching me - and I told him the whole thing. But I didn't break it off with him then. Just a month later I called him up and said "sorry , I'm engaged to someone else" and left it at that.

After the rape (and I didn't do this concisouly at the time, it's taken A LOT of therapy for me to see all of this) I broke away from everything good in my life - I felt like I was dirty and didn't deserve any of it. I started drinking, partying, sleeping around. And very soon met the man who became my first husband. Given the circumstances it is actually quite amazing that we lasted as many years as we did.

But I saw this BF as just too good, I couldn't stand for him to touch me, not even to hug me - I was unworthy is the best word I can come up with.

Here's the pic that set everything off:



Geez, look at the hair!

I don't think that's such a good idea. It has nothing to do with her. It's okay if she insists on being there while this is being talked about, but to push it on her alone would be unsettling for her. I'm speaking as someone who had to deal with my husband's ex (who also dumped him in strange circumstances, and then wanted him back after he was engaged to me). Believe me, she doesn't want to know what you went through. But she might appreciate hearing that you regret the break up, even though you don't want to start anything up now. (Balance that with how happy you are for him and his wife, of course.)

Right I would talk with him, and explain it honestly. I'm sure he'll understand that you're just looking for closure.

Michelle,

As I was reading through this thread, I found where some of the others mention "closure" and was exactly what was running through my mind.
I kid you not, just this week, I was reminiscing about an old girlfriend I hurt (gave her the brush off) when I was only age-16 and how I wish I could see her again just long enough to apologize and get closure. It's as if I've been carrying this around in my subconscious for nearly 30 years. I really don't believe I owe it to her necessarily because I was not even a responsible adult at the time but something inside me desires that closure. I don't believe I would go to the extent of actually looking her up to do so.
In your case, you are going to actually be seeing the old boyfriend at an event, so actually presents you an opportunity. I would use it for honesty as Lisa stated above. This can possibly add some peace of mind to your life.
When I was age 19, the reverse from what I did to a girl happened to me. I thought I was very in love with a girl (was actually infatuation) but she gave me the brush off, after going on a few dates and making me feel we hit it off. I actually prayed in tears for weeks that God would put us together. This happened not long after I had rededicated my life to being Christian and I became a youth minister myself (20 years). God instead sent me my true soul mate whom I've been married to for 25 years (upcoming June 25th). What's neat about this story is that after we got married, living in the same town I knew this other girl, I told my wife about it and asked her if we could invite her to our church to sit with us during one service and she did so! I'm still amazed my wife went along with that but I think she knew it was something I needed. I can honestly say I don't have any lingering flames for the old girlfriend whatsoever. God has greatly blessed my marriage and I'm as in love and attracted to my wife if not more so, than at any time since we've been together.
I'm saddened to hear about the rape and know what tremendous trauma that can cause sometimes lifelong (my sister was raped). I'll have you in my prayers for ingoing healing.

Vance,

Your original statement:
"I am not saying that God led you into the abusive relationships and my only explanation for those is that you were not a Christian then OR you went into those relationships without consulting with God first and see where the path would have led you differently."

With all due respect to your personal beliefs, I am not a Christian and I have never had abusive relationships. My husband is not a Christian either and he is a wonderfully kind-hearted man.

I do not want to get into religion or spiritual beliefs here and I will not, but the idea that one is not a Christian and so went into abusive relationships is unfair and unfounded to others who do not believe as you do.

That being said, let me say that Christianity is only one of the religious beliefs in a world that has many others as well.

I don't believe that God is any one particular religion. That way of thinking negates the strong beliefs of those who practice their own faiths and beliefs.

Sorry Kristen,

I'm the one that kind of opened the door on this end of the conversation...

I asked Vance and Jim to come pu their 2 cents in, as i know them both to be Christian men - and I felt their POV would be closest to what old BFs feelings might be.

As most of you know, I'm Christian - and this gentleman is also (I think I mentioned that he is a youth minister - Baptist church).

And as a Christian, I actually get what Vance is trying to say. It is something that I have struggled with years to come to terms with.

For a long time I blamed myself for the rape because I had let the situation (sexually) get so far oiut of hand - like a stone rolling down a hill, impossible to stop.

After much counseling, though, I finally came to realize that when I said "NO" and "Stop" - that he should have. I do have to take responsibility for the fact that I allowed myself to wind up nearly nude in his bedroom, though.

But there is a world of difference in between those two things.
No matter what I did or didn't do, he should have stopped!

OK - off my soapbox now, sorry.

Michelle,

You have nothing to be sorry for at all! And you are certainly not to blame for anything that happened, no matter how you were dressed. No is No and Stop is Stop-that is it.

I have nothing but the highest respect for Christianity as I do for all religions. I simply feel the wording to you was put in an incorrect manner. I'm sure two of my Christian friends, (very devout and actively practicing), who have been in abusive situations would disagree vehemently with the implication that abuse happens if you're not a Christian.

BTW, you are one heckuva gorgeous woman. You truly haven't changed much from your college days.

Michelle,

You have absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel unworthy. You still have some healing to do and seem like you are well on your way to complete peace and closure. Closure is necessary. In order to let go of something, one must face it and confront it and tie up the loose ends. If you feel that your ex BF is open to it, then by all means discuss it with him and let him know that if he prefers to have his wife along that is his choice. If your husband understands that this is something you need to do to bring about closure and let it go, then you do indeed have a very understanding and loving husband.

It might help you tremendously if you write down everything you want to say to your ex BF, put down exactly what your feelings are now, what you went thru in the past, how the rape affected your feelings, thoughts, heart and soul. Put it all down in writing. If the ex BF does not want to discuss it, you will at least have taken it off your mind and put it in a letter to him. If he does not want to read the letter, then you can read it over and over until you are able to let go, then burn the letter and watch the negative past go up in smoke and drift away, leaving you in peace. How does that sound to you? Would that help any?

I pray for strength and courage and peace to come to you.

Michelle, it may very well be this last issue (guilt) that is preventing you from finally putting the rape behind you. As long as you feel that you once treated this man unfairly, you will associate your ongoing guilt with the rape. I think that having the opportunity to explain the situation to him and apologise may help you take a huge step towards healing - and think of how your healing will positively affect your family.

Just read something quite profound that you might find useful:

Lessons from your past by Corrie Woods

Thanks Elle,

It does help.

Now I just have to get up the guts to do it.

Thank you everyone for your support in this. (I miss my hearts smiley!)

I quite agree with Elle. If you don't confront and deal with past issues, you develop an unhealthy relationship with it that can impact, if not destroy, your present.

You need to get this behind you in all ways, and communicating with your ex about what happened is essential.

How about just writing him a letter if you feel too uncomfortable about talking face-to-face?

BTW have you discussed this with your husband? Or is this too personal to have his input? (that's okay in a marriage; some things that have happened are some things we can't share with our spouses, no matter how close we are)

Yes, my husband knows everything - he's even been to many of my counseling sessions with me.

I asked him if he would havea problem with my getting in touch with old BF, and he said no, thaat if I needed to do it to help get over some of this, that was fine with him.

I would have felt awkward getting in touch with the other guy if my hubby didn't know - that would have felt like sneaking around.

I actually kind of took my first step towards this last night.

In my blog on MySpace I talked about my struggle with clinicla depression and my rape - and mentioned the fact that for a while I dropped everything good in my life - including the guy I was dating at the time.

So I have things out in the open, now I just need to directly write to him.

That's excellent, Michelle. Putting it on MySpace is a definite start.

Kristen, I'm sure there are many, including myself, who have issues from childhood with the Catholic Church and have turned away from Christianity as their primary religious focus.

Michelle, because you are feeling upset and having physical symptoms I take that as a sign you are not comfortable with telling the guy about the reason for your past actions. I'd let it lie asleep unless he brings it up.

Susan

With everything else going short-circuit in my life right now, I decided I needed to put some of these demons to rest. So I wrote him directly.

We'll see what happens...

Good decision, Michelle. You will feel much better and my instinct is that he will contact you.

Blessings; hope all starts to get better soon!