BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Do you fantasize about a lost love?

Sorry Kristen,

I'm the one that kind of opened the door on this end of the conversation...

I asked Vance and Jim to come pu their 2 cents in, as i know them both to be Christian men - and I felt their POV would be closest to what old BFs feelings might be.

As most of you know, I'm Christian - and this gentleman is also (I think I mentioned that he is a youth minister - Baptist church).

And as a Christian, I actually get what Vance is trying to say. It is something that I have struggled with years to come to terms with.

For a long time I blamed myself for the rape because I had let the situation (sexually) get so far oiut of hand - like a stone rolling down a hill, impossible to stop.

After much counseling, though, I finally came to realize that when I said "NO" and "Stop" - that he should have. I do have to take responsibility for the fact that I allowed myself to wind up nearly nude in his bedroom, though.

But there is a world of difference in between those two things.
No matter what I did or didn't do, he should have stopped!

OK - off my soapbox now, sorry.

Michelle,

You have nothing to be sorry for at all! And you are certainly not to blame for anything that happened, no matter how you were dressed. No is No and Stop is Stop-that is it.

I have nothing but the highest respect for Christianity as I do for all religions. I simply feel the wording to you was put in an incorrect manner. I'm sure two of my Christian friends, (very devout and actively practicing), who have been in abusive situations would disagree vehemently with the implication that abuse happens if you're not a Christian.

BTW, you are one heckuva gorgeous woman. You truly haven't changed much from your college days.

Michelle,

You have absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel unworthy. You still have some healing to do and seem like you are well on your way to complete peace and closure. Closure is necessary. In order to let go of something, one must face it and confront it and tie up the loose ends. If you feel that your ex BF is open to it, then by all means discuss it with him and let him know that if he prefers to have his wife along that is his choice. If your husband understands that this is something you need to do to bring about closure and let it go, then you do indeed have a very understanding and loving husband.

It might help you tremendously if you write down everything you want to say to your ex BF, put down exactly what your feelings are now, what you went thru in the past, how the rape affected your feelings, thoughts, heart and soul. Put it all down in writing. If the ex BF does not want to discuss it, you will at least have taken it off your mind and put it in a letter to him. If he does not want to read the letter, then you can read it over and over until you are able to let go, then burn the letter and watch the negative past go up in smoke and drift away, leaving you in peace. How does that sound to you? Would that help any?

I pray for strength and courage and peace to come to you.

Michelle, it may very well be this last issue (guilt) that is preventing you from finally putting the rape behind you. As long as you feel that you once treated this man unfairly, you will associate your ongoing guilt with the rape. I think that having the opportunity to explain the situation to him and apologise may help you take a huge step towards healing - and think of how your healing will positively affect your family.

Just read something quite profound that you might find useful:

Lessons from your past by Corrie Woods

Thanks Elle,

It does help.

Now I just have to get up the guts to do it.

Thank you everyone for your support in this. (I miss my hearts smiley!)

I quite agree with Elle. If you don't confront and deal with past issues, you develop an unhealthy relationship with it that can impact, if not destroy, your present.

You need to get this behind you in all ways, and communicating with your ex about what happened is essential.

How about just writing him a letter if you feel too uncomfortable about talking face-to-face?

BTW have you discussed this with your husband? Or is this too personal to have his input? (that's okay in a marriage; some things that have happened are some things we can't share with our spouses, no matter how close we are)

Yes, my husband knows everything - he's even been to many of my counseling sessions with me.

I asked him if he would havea problem with my getting in touch with old BF, and he said no, thaat if I needed to do it to help get over some of this, that was fine with him.

I would have felt awkward getting in touch with the other guy if my hubby didn't know - that would have felt like sneaking around.

I actually kind of took my first step towards this last night.

In my blog on MySpace I talked about my struggle with clinicla depression and my rape - and mentioned the fact that for a while I dropped everything good in my life - including the guy I was dating at the time.

So I have things out in the open, now I just need to directly write to him.

That's excellent, Michelle. Putting it on MySpace is a definite start.

Kristen, I'm sure there are many, including myself, who have issues from childhood with the Catholic Church and have turned away from Christianity as their primary religious focus.

Michelle, because you are feeling upset and having physical symptoms I take that as a sign you are not comfortable with telling the guy about the reason for your past actions. I'd let it lie asleep unless he brings it up.

Susan