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Michelle,

I would tell him everything. I am sure you will find that he is very understanding about it and I believe that God had a part in leading you two down the paths that you both have gone and where you are today.

I am not saying that God led you into the abusive relationships and my only explanation for those is that you were not a Christian then OR you went into those relationships without consulting with God first and see where the path would have led you differently.

If you think back, there may have been some warning signs about getting into those abusive relationships. Signs you either ignored or explained away.

If you don't tell him everything, it may eat at you and you will regret not taking the opportunity too. Remember what I said about signs. Pray about it and then listen for God's voice and His direction.


Vance Rowe
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Originally Posted By: Michelle_Launch
I just had to search up this thread again...

We are getting ready for our 20 yr class reunion, plus I am cleaning out my basement - so a lot of old memories are coming up.

A lot of us are getting together on MySpace pre-reunion, catching up and stuff, and I've been searching up some names. On a whim I decided to search up a couple of old boyfriends.

One was the guy that I would have imagined I would have married had I not been raped in college. We had dated the entire summer before I left for college, and we still went out every weekend I came home - bit we decided not to be exclusive while I was a state away. So in the interim dating is when I was date-raped. And because of thsat I wound up breaking up with this guy. (I was completely screwed up in the head, obviously).

He was such a good guy, a really good Christian (he works as a youth minister now, matter if fact) we even met through a church performance where I was singing and he did the sound system.

I have kept the convo with him very light on MySpace, judt catching up a little. But there is a very significant part of me thst wants to explain everything to him.

But i am happily married and so is he, and I don't want him to think I am trying to start anything up.

What should I do?


Wow! That is a tough one to try to advise on. It depends on so many things. Do you want to bring up the past if you both are happily married to others? Do you feel he was really hurt when you broke up with him and deserves an explanation? If you open up the past emtions will you both be ready to deal with whatever comes up? Do you feel guilty and need to tell him - or would that just be unloading your guilt to dump on him? frown I am truly not being rude, just trying to imagine what I would do in the same situation. You could always bring it up lightly with some happy memory. Does he know why you broke up with him? Does he know about the rape and the strong emotions you went through? Have you ever asked him "Do you ever wonder why we broke up?" in a light manner and get some idea of how he feels about it. He may want to just leave it in the past.

That's a toughie, Michelle. confused

I think I tend to agree with Vance on the paths you both chose and that God had a hand in it - leading you to where you are now for a specific reason. smile

Last edited by Phyllis, NatAmEd; 06/13/08 09:15 PM.

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Thanks guys, I've been literally making myself sick over this thing.

I've talked about it with my husband, asking if he minded, and he said he thought it might be good for me, too.

Now I just have to figure out the words to say so that HIS wife doesn't think I'm trying to start anything up.

I'm honestly coming unglued about a lot of stuff right now, sleeping and nightmares are not good-and the rape lies heavily on my mind. (I couldn't remember the guys name, and thast freaked me out- shouldn't I rmember the name of the guy thsat raped me?!?)

I think I will be going back to my dr. with all of this...


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Michelle,

Why don't you approach his wife first and talk with her about it or tell her everything and then let her tell him and just explain to her that you are just wanting to tell him because you dumped him without explanation and it has been eating at you and you just want to clear the air.

I am sure she will understand as well.


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Originally Posted By: Phyllis, NatAmEd

Wow! That is a tough one to try to advise on. It depends on so many things. Do you want to bring up the past if you both are happily married to others? Do you feel he was really hurt when you broke up with him and deserves an explanation? If you open up the past emtions will you both be ready to deal with whatever comes up? Do you feel guilty and need to tell him - or would that just be unloading your guilt to dump on him? frown I am truly not being rude, just trying to imagine what I would do in the same situation. You could always bring it up lightly with some happy memory. Does he know why you broke up with him? Does he know about the rape and the strong emotions you went through? Have you ever asked him "Do you ever wonder why we broke up?" in a light manner and get some idea of how he feels about it. He may want to just leave it in the past.

That's a toughie, Michelle. confused

I think I tend to agree with Vance on the paths you both chose and that God had a hand in it - leading you to where you are now for a specific reason. smile


He actually does know about the rape, because the very last time I saw him, I couldn't handle him touching me - and I told him the whole thing. But I didn't break it off with him then. Just a month later I called him up and said "sorry , I'm engaged to someone else" and left it at that.

After the rape (and I didn't do this concisouly at the time, it's taken A LOT of therapy for me to see all of this) I broke away from everything good in my life - I felt like I was dirty and didn't deserve any of it. I started drinking, partying, sleeping around. And very soon met the man who became my first husband. Given the circumstances it is actually quite amazing that we lasted as many years as we did.

But I saw this BF as just too good, I couldn't stand for him to touch me, not even to hug me - I was unworthy is the best word I can come up with.


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Here's the pic that set everything off:



Geez, look at the hair!


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Originally Posted By: Vance Wrestling and Crime
Michelle,

Why don't you approach his wife first and talk with her about it or tell her everything and then let her tell him and just explain to her that you are just wanting to tell him because you dumped him without explanation and it has been eating at you and you just want to clear the air.

I am sure she will understand as well.


I don't think that's such a good idea. It has nothing to do with her. It's okay if she insists on being there while this is being talked about, but to push it on her alone would be unsettling for her. I'm speaking as someone who had to deal with my husband's ex (who also dumped him in strange circumstances, and then wanted him back after he was engaged to me). Believe me, she doesn't want to know what you went through. But she might appreciate hearing that you regret the break up, even though you don't want to start anything up now. (Balance that with how happy you are for him and his wife, of course.)


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Right I would talk with him, and explain it honestly. I'm sure he'll understand that you're just looking for closure.


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Michelle,

As I was reading through this thread, I found where some of the others mention "closure" and was exactly what was running through my mind.
I kid you not, just this week, I was reminiscing about an old girlfriend I hurt (gave her the brush off) when I was only age-16 and how I wish I could see her again just long enough to apologize and get closure. It's as if I've been carrying this around in my subconscious for nearly 30 years. I really don't believe I owe it to her necessarily because I was not even a responsible adult at the time but something inside me desires that closure. I don't believe I would go to the extent of actually looking her up to do so.
In your case, you are going to actually be seeing the old boyfriend at an event, so actually presents you an opportunity. I would use it for honesty as Lisa stated above. This can possibly add some peace of mind to your life.
When I was age 19, the reverse from what I did to a girl happened to me. I thought I was very in love with a girl (was actually infatuation) but she gave me the brush off, after going on a few dates and making me feel we hit it off. I actually prayed in tears for weeks that God would put us together. This happened not long after I had rededicated my life to being Christian and I became a youth minister myself (20 years). God instead sent me my true soul mate whom I've been married to for 25 years (upcoming June 25th). What's neat about this story is that after we got married, living in the same town I knew this other girl, I told my wife about it and asked her if we could invite her to our church to sit with us during one service and she did so! I'm still amazed my wife went along with that but I think she knew it was something I needed. I can honestly say I don't have any lingering flames for the old girlfriend whatsoever. God has greatly blessed my marriage and I'm as in love and attracted to my wife if not more so, than at any time since we've been together.
I'm saddened to hear about the rape and know what tremendous trauma that can cause sometimes lifelong (my sister was raped). I'll have you in my prayers for ingoing healing.

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Vance,

Your original statement:
"I am not saying that God led you into the abusive relationships and my only explanation for those is that you were not a Christian then OR you went into those relationships without consulting with God first and see where the path would have led you differently."

With all due respect to your personal beliefs, I am not a Christian and I have never had abusive relationships. My husband is not a Christian either and he is a wonderfully kind-hearted man.

I do not want to get into religion or spiritual beliefs here and I will not, but the idea that one is not a Christian and so went into abusive relationships is unfair and unfounded to others who do not believe as you do.

That being said, let me say that Christianity is only one of the religious beliefs in a world that has many others as well.

I don't believe that God is any one particular religion. That way of thinking negates the strong beliefs of those who practice their own faiths and beliefs.




Last edited by kristen houghton; 06/27/08 12:13 PM.

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