BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Why am I upset that my ex is dating?

Here's a new situation for me and I hope someone can help. I have been divorced for almost two years, and was separated for two years before that. We were married for 17 years and are amicable though not friends.
My daughter just came home from her Dad's this weekend and told me that she had been introduced to "Miss P", her Dad's girlfriend. He wanted both the kids to meet her and give them their approval to officially date. (Her words)
I am not in love with my ex and havent been since the divorce was final, but I can't stop thinking about how he is dating again. I haven't begun dating yet for several reasons: havent met anyone and have really wanted to work on me first.
I guess my question is "Is it normal (what's that?) to be upset that he has moved on? Thanks for listening

YES, It's normal. I went through the same thing. I was jealous he might be happier than me. I think I wanted him to pine for me forever, and live a loney loveless life. (I caught him in the next-door neighrbor's bed naked.) You don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either. It will pass when you have someone too. And you will!

It is definitely very normal. You don't want to feel like you are replaceable. It's a stage that you need to move though, to understand that his moving on does not make you any less worthy. You are a wonderful person, and just were not a good match for him in particular. Someone out there IS a great match for you, just the way you are.

It's very hard to get through emotionally, but it's something we've all had to do.

I totally believe that your feelings are normal. Keep in mind that many men move on faster than women. It just takes us longer to want to date someone else much less marry them.

I don't think you're jealous at all and I think you're completely normal. I've been divorced a long time, 8 years, and I still sometimes get irritated that he does a lot of "fun" stuff and has a retirement. But I don't love him, and I am not really jealous.

I was also upset the first time my kids met the new woman. I think part of me was afraid they'd like her better. Silly I know, but who knows why we feel the way we do sometimes.

((((hugs))))

Thanks for the posts. Your experiences have helped shed some light on why I was feeling that way. It's not that I don't want anyone else to have him...in fact I really want him to find someone so that my kids can see him happy. Thanks again

Hi Terry,

I hope you're doing well still. I've been thinking about you. My computer crashed so I couldn't get back, but thankfully it's fixed!

What you said about wanting your kids to see him happy really touched me. I know many people who don't want their exes to ever be happy again and they cannot get past anything. I want so much for everyone to know there IS life after divorce and we can all still be great parents too.

My ex-husband went through this he got upset when I started dating. We were married for 14 years and he got married again after the divorce was finale till this day he gets upset and I don't understand because he got married after the divorce and when he heard I remarried all heck broke loose and I waited 12 years to get married so I don't know why he is like this. Maybe someone can tell me??????

Norma,

Your ex is probably just a control freak. He probably really did think that he was such a wonderful person you wouldn't ever move on. It's amazing what really narcissistic people think sometimes.

Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for checking on me! Since my first post, my daughter , who is 10, came home and asked if I was dating anyone. It was very important to her that if her Dad had a girlfriend, her mom should have a boyfriend. (I dont..not quite ready, but that's another post :))
I'm ok with him dating now. It took a while to get over the shock and the feeling that I had been disgarded and replaced. I am at peace with the fact that we both have to move on . One little step at a time....

Hi Terry,

My girls used to ask me why I wasn't dating. It took me a number of years to actually date anyone...

But one thing I told them is this: You don't have to have a man to be happy.

Of course, I did finally meet a man that makes me happy so I might have ruined all those previous lessons by being stupid happy about dating him. haha

Life is really full of surprises .

One step at a time is the right way to do it.

It is my feelings that when the ex moves on and gets married then
the divorce or break up just seems so final. It is easy to tell yourself that you are no longer in love with the ex but deep down there are still some feelings of love. You may not be in love with the ex but you still have love for him or her and in some cases when you first get separated, there may still be a chance to work things out and get back together.

Once the divorce comes through then it will be a little harder to work things out and it may seem like there is no chance but there is still is the glimmer of hope. Then when the ex gets married, that is when the finality(is that even a word?) really sets in. I know when my girlfriend left me for what she thought was greener pastures, there was still a hope that we would get back together and when I found out that she was married, I was crushed all over again and it took me a long time, a very long time to get over it.

Another reason and I believe this was mentioned already, is that you were hurt so much when you broke up and got divorced that you are having a hard time with the ex finally being happy when you feel that he/she doesn't deserve it.

I spent a lot of time being unhappy and beating myself up wondering if it was my fault that we broke up and she moved on and beat myself up even more when she got married. Don't do that to yourself. Be happy for the ex and more importantly be happy with yourself. You owe it to you and you owe it to the kids, if there are kids involved. If the kids see that you are upset, then they may grow up being upset with your ex as well and that is going to cause a whole other set of problems.

Thanks Vance. I can see how the ex moving on does make everything final. The only thing I would say again is that I have never wished for my ex anything but happiness. I said previously that I want my kids to see happy parents and I believe that we all deserve happiness. The ex and I went to counseling for the three years that we were separated, and a lot of the anger/guilt issues were dealt with then.
"Moving on" happens in small, slow increments, and sometimes a step that I or the ex makes triggers unexpected reactions, as in this situation. I'm good now, and thanks so much for your response.
Terry

Terry,

One thing you said about sometimes a step or action triggers an unexpected reaction is so true!

I have SOOO moved on past my ex husband, however, rather recently I found out they took a vacation that he and I had planned for years, and years, he took it with her, but with me we just never had time. It actually really bothered me.

It just seemed that he is living the exact same life with her that we planned and my life is so completely different from that life. It's like she's me, only younger without kids, and it's just strange how that affected me.

I don't think it means I haven't moved on, or I wish him ill, but it just means I need to work on myself more maybe.