BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Please advice

hi... i am new to this forum and am desperate for some advice. There are certain things that happen in a marriage that you cant tell your family or friends ( and that is the situation that i am in) I have been married for a year and my husband and I have migrated to Australia. The problem is with my husband family... they are always presurizing him for financial assistance. Before he met me , he was always giving them money and due to this my husband and I have incured an heavy debt, just when we are able to see the light in the end of the tunnel would they demand for more. This time round my in laws want money because my sister in law is having a baby and they want my husband to incure the pregnancy and delivery cost. my husband and i have put aside our desires to have a child for a few years because we want to be in a better financial situation but now we seem to be looking after another persons pregnancy. I come from a different culture from my husband and am finding it hard to understand the way his society demands for things. Because of this we are fighting a lot and he feel like i dont understand his side. I dont know what to do... pls advice as i am so new to this turmoil of marriage.thanks

HI,
Your husband's family is taking advantage of him & also you. This has nothing to do with culture or society. Your husband's family is using him. He was doing this before & though it is ok to help someone out once in awhile, they are like leeches. I could see helping his family out for a good reason. If someone was not able to work due to a real severe illness. Or a death. but you both should not pay for your sister in laws pregnancy. Where is her husband or boyfriend? Let him pay for it.

I had a brother who was married. They both worked & had good jobs & were always asking my parents for $. My parents had less than they did & were foolish enough to give them $. My brother & his wife were both drunks & on drugs. Your husband needs to understand your side. He is putting both of you in deep debt because he can't say no to his family. Now, he expects you to put off having your own child so he can pay for a sister in laws pregnancy? Is your husband trying to buy love & acceptance from his family?

Personally, I would not tolerate this. This is your life too. Not only his. I would put my foot down if I was you. You can try to go for counseling with him. But I suspect he does this to please his family. He is allowing his family to use him as a doormat. What is up with his family? Do any of them work? If your husband can't say no to them, then you might have to get out of the marriage & save yourself, before you wind up with nothing. I know I would be so angry if I was working & my husband was working, only to give most of the $ we earned to lazy relatives who are just taking advantage in any way they can.

The situation will not get any better. You have to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life supporting his family. Because whether you are working or not right now, you are supposed to be parnters in marriage. Your husband is not showing you or your marriage any respect. He is putting his family's needs above your needs. I don't know how you put up with it for a yr. I would not accept this. I would make it very clear to him that if he expects to stay married this has to stop. If he keeps giving them $, then you should leave. It is up to you. I hope that your husband sees how much this is hurting you & your marriage. But if he doesn't I would do what is best for myself. I hope that it works out for you. I wish you the very best of luck.
Judy K. Chicago area.

Only your husband can put a stop to this. It has to be immediate and firm.

Talk with him and tell him that you both deserve a life and his family is stopping that from happening. His culture has nothing to do with their selfish demands.

Financial problems can really strain a marriage and/or not being on the same page when it comes to finances/budgeting...
My younger sister dated a really nice man for about 5 years in her late teens/early 20s - she ended the relationship for a few reasons but one was certainly his inability to handle money...
I think he liked providing for his family and relatives and shouting a meal now & then...sadly, IMO a pattern of abuse settled in whereby family members would sit back and expect "D" to pay for the meal whenever they got together - his parents, sister and cousins were forever asking for money...money lost on failed businesses, loans never repaid...
I think he also, felt important being able to help out his family - he has a small business and works very long hours...
The sad thing is 20 years later he's still in the same position - rents rather than owns a home and still works very long hours...
He'll never achieve financial security if he doesn't cut the freeloading ties...after so many years it seems doubtful he'll ever get there...and all of this started with his generous nature.
I think you need to straighten this out now or you may find yourselves in the same position - being taken for granted/being used...your DH needs to start putting his/your interests first - if not, it may become the source of much worry and unhappiness.

More marriages end because of money problems than infidelity.

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kalki,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think counseling is a good idea here too. Sometimes it is easier if he hears it from an outsider. Believe me, any professional is going to tell your husband this is wrong.

He'd deny you both a child to support adults that should be able to care for themselves? I think a counselor will help him see things more clearly. If he doesn't agree then you will see things more clearly. Marriage is a partnership between two people, not two people and the in-laws, friends and neighbors.

Hopefully this will be resolved before you do have a child because if this pattern continues the marriage will be strained even further.

Your husband is being taken advantage of...and now, so are you. You and your husband are now your own primary relatives and family and YOUR relationship together is the most important. If his sister is having a baby she can't afford, that is not you nor your husband's problem. It is time for them to learn to stand on their own 2 feet or they will never learn. They are having a baby - time for them to grow up.

And, you can already see the suffering that your marriage is undergoing due to your husband continuing to act like a bank for his family. They need to grow up and so does your husband. his family needing help once can be called a mistake....his family needing financial help often is a habit.

Your husband has to put his foot down and put you AND him first. Your life together is most important and if he values the marriage he has got to stop loaning family members money. Period. The cost of loaning them money will be the cost of your marriage.

I definitely agree with the therapy idea. Hearing a third party you can trust tell you this is completely inappropriate can be very freeing. Yes it is hard - but they are making unfair demands.

If you had a child and the child started demanding $100/day you would not give it to them just because they asked. If they start saying "you have to do it because you are family", you would know that to be inappropriate. The same is true here. Parents are not necessarily wiser than their children. They are just better sometimes at using pressure and tricks to get their way.

Thanks for all the advice... i felt like someone was listening. my husband and I have started counseling with our religous elder and i hope that would help you see the light through the tunnel. Thanks again

Good luck to you. I'm glad that you are both getting counseling. Please let us know how it turns out when you can. Judy K. Chicago.