BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Peace and the NonPeaceful Partner

We were talking in another thread about the challenges of being peaceful, stress free and understanding when your chosen partner in life is a Type A personality.

Both of my main partners in life have been like that. I definitely must go after that type; certainly it can't be chance that I end up with guys like that. My current partner is not very social and dislikes crowds. He gets very annoyed if someone does something without thinking about it. He's New York City born and bred.

I definitely feel that partners "rub off" on each other. The more I talk about being aware of these issues, the more he is thinking about them too.

There is a famous series of books going around right now about "partner training". The gist of it is that you reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. People naturally tend to do things they are rewarded for. So when he does something even slightly positive, you act in a contented manner. Not in a condescending "Oh you good doobie, look what you've done!" way but something a bit more subtle

I also think that with all this awareness of Asperger that there are simply a group of people who are overwhelmed with crowd situations - and that is OK and a fine way to be. So you choose situations which are not crowded. We work from home now, and we don't go out to crowd type situations (malls, festivals etc). If we go to a wine tasting we go to a small one, not the massively huge one. So part of it is about setting yourself up to win. You deliberately choose situations that match your abilities.

It's like I wouldn't go climb Mount Everest because that is not a good match for my skills. The same is true with crowds

I definitely am not saying it's easy! But I'm saying with time and patience that people do learn patience and acceptance

So in my case as I'm learning more about yoga and meditation and such I talk to him about the interesting parts. Maybe he's not super interested - but he does listen. Over time, he absorbs parts of it. The more calm and relaxed I am, the more calm and relaxed he is drawn into being. It's not an instant change, but it is a change ...

I can't post anything at all...
I'm Mindful of not complaining.
If I wrote everything down that's in my Mind right now, my heart may break and I would cry.
So I'm saving it until I find myself in a calmer place.
I need to do some Meditation.....

We don't want you to cry!! Remember, bottling things up inside doesn't work either. It wears down at you

It's not complaining to state an issue that needs work. It's like if you said

"Oh look - the back yard needs to be raked".

That's not a complaint. It's a statement of a project - and in fact I did go out today and rake my back yard. So now the grass can grow!! So it was very good I realized that needed to be done and set aside time for it.

So what projects are in your world, that we can help with?

Lisa, I do appreciate your kind and compassionate words - really I do.
But part of the reason I didn't post anything in my earlier post, was also because I have to be Mindful of the Eightfold Path - From Right View and Intention, right through to Right Meditation, or Concentration....(hence my final comment....)
So truly, however much I may feel it tempting to discuss how much "the back yard needs raking!" It actually wouldn't accomplish anything except putting other people in a bad light.
And that's not Right Speech.
It's not that I'm bottling up, either...
I find it very cathartic to sit and write my problems down.. to vent on paper, and to express myself literally....
I just write, and write, and write.... I get it all out and express my innermost sentiments....Then I leave it for a day or two, before I go back in, and delete it.

I also go for a long walk with my dog, and just have a good brisk play session with her.... it does me good, it does her good, and she's so affectionate, unconditionally. She's so happy in her play, and romping with other dogs... the fresh air does me good and the walk itself does me a Power of Good....
It's a well-known fact walking helps the brain release hormones and makes you feel better and more positive.....

So things are much better since that post....

Ok.
If we can be permitted to lay the 'complaining' issue to one side, just for a second...(I know, it's cheating.... so sue me!!
Living with someone so strong-headed and single-minded is an enormous challenge.
My partner is what you would definitely call 'High Maintenance'.
I guess, in my mind he is also an excellent teacher.... every day is a lesson in Calmness, Patience, Perseverance and of course, Practice.

It's the easiest thing in the world to achieve everything you set out to achieve, when everyone around you has the same objective...you're all like-minded, mutually encouraging and supportive. So the process is fun, and the journey generally pleasant.
The "fun" begins when you're in a minority, and seeking to live a Mindful Life, when those around you, are losing the plot....!
This is when connecting with your Core ethical Personal Truth and Faith, is so essential and vital. And it can save your sanity!
Hang on to what you know. Grasp it with all the tenacity of tar on your clothing... Find a quiet moment to yourself, sit, breathe, and come back to within yourself.
Do whatever you need to do, give yourself the space and time to do it, and give yourself the courtesy and respect of putting yourself First.
For you.

Just for once.

I am all for journaling, but one of the things is that a journal can't help Sometimes there are easy solutions out there in the world if you share your concern with someone else. They can say "I was there too - and this is what I did that helped". So it's not complaining at all. It is asking for advice. Why struggle for years with a situation that someone else has a good solution to - because they struggled alone for years on it?

Certainly if you feel uncomfortable sharing then I do not want to pressure you to! But know we are here to help, and I imagine with 30,000+ members here, at least some of us have been in your shoes Most of our members read and rarely post, but sometimes it is that one matching post which draws them out of their shell.

I personally am very drawn to type A personalities. I tend to surround myself with them. So it is a great thrill at times - and a great challenge at times. They know their mind, they know their goals. They have little patience for listening to other peoples' views.

So the key is to use their focus and single mindedness to your advantage. It means if you can get them on a track, they are likely to pursue it. So let's say my boyfriend likes to be the Teacher. So I keep asking him questions on how yoga pose A works or how pose B works. He comes over to show me how to do it properly. Voila, he is now actually doing yoga poses and such, in the guise of helping me do it well. I am not telling him "you should do yoga". But I am saying "You are the smart, athletic one here - help me figure this out". He likes to feel that he is smart and able to figure things out.

Hi Lisa:
What you wrote sounds like my husband and myself.
He detests crowds, gets annoyed at people easily, and is quick to anger.
In a way, I do have that quality deep inside myself but I am able to put it aside. It is hard to do that when I hear constant anger - especially during driving!

Lisa, I recently read "Whale Done" and actually bought it for one of my clients. It speaks to exactly what you are talking about--accentuating the postivie, redirecting the focus, and so on. I read it for business purposes, but it's excellent for all sorts of relationship issues. Your comments here reminded me of the book.

Alexandra, you sound exactly like I used to be and it's hard. I didn't have the Buddhist path for guidance, but I wanted to live more peacefully and positively and I was in a situation where it was so hard. I contributed to the situation, too--rather unconsciously (looking back, I think I acted rather bratty about the whole thing.)

But, I just wanted to say that "venting" is something I always did on paper and not to friends (this is a lifelong issue for me) and in hindsight, I think "that's what friends are for". I would mentally/emotionally have done much better to share. I'm really a smart, rational person, but I can create monsters in my head where there are none. So, in many ways, I know I caused much of my own suffering.

bella, bless you for your kind words, and I do so appreciate your rallying round, ladies, I think you're all mavellous....*Insert "Group-hug emoticon here*!

I hesitate to add the next bit because it's veering 'dangerously close' to proselytising, and Buddhists are encouraged to not do this....
But let me just explain what I mean....
Much as I am tempted to post my 'journal' or list of venting, I can't.
I committed myself to the calling of Buddhism, and to follow closely the Eightfold Path.
We were in the process of discussing each 'step' or virtue, but I was trying to explain at one point during discussion it, that Buddhism isn't so much a Religion or even a Philosophy - though it is clearly both....
It's a way of Life.
When I Took Refuge, which is a devotional Vow to embrace this Creed fully, I vowed also to abide by its directives and recommendations.
That means, all the time, all the way.
So the Practise of "Right Everything" affects and influences - and MUST affect and influence - everything I think, say and do.
If my thoughts words and actions at any time at all, seem to be headed in an unMindful or Unskilful way, I have to consider the Kammic weight of the consequences of my thoughts, words and deeds.
For me, the resulting temporary satisfaction at having gotten something "off my chest" is outweighed by the negative results it would have, in planting 'prejudice' and disquiet, judgement and criticism in your minds. That would be potentially and possibly steering you towards unfavourable opinions of other people and parties, at the centre of my venting, which would put them in a bad light. Before you've even met them, spoken to them, seen them or gotten to know them!
This is not Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech or Right Action, in my behaviour.
Of course, on the face of it, you would sympathise with me, and commiserate, offering kind counsel and opinion.
But this might still have the effect of elliciting "unbalanced" opinion from you, in my favour.
This is not Right Effort, or Right Awareness, on my part.
The Eightfold Path is so simple in its instruction, but a hard taskmaster in the following.
But it's a discipline.
So I have to do it.
All the time. 24-7.
It's what I do.
It's my Life.
My way of Life.

Thank you all for your kindness and support.
It is greatly appreciated.
More than you will ever know.
I offer blessings and prayers for you all.

Okay, I totally get that. And respect it. Thanks for explaining.

Patience is definitely a hard skill to master, and I have to wonder if guys just aren't raised to have it. They are sent into competitive sports, told "boys will be boys" and pushed to succeed. So their fiery personalities are rewarded, in a way. Girls are trained much more to be submissive and understanding and wait their turn. Guys get praised for "taking charge".

It rarely helps to point out to a person who is losing their patience that they are losing their patience, too It makes them more grumpy.

What the books say about situations like this is that you distract and reward. You find *something* good about the situation and change focus to it. So for example if you're in a traffic jam near an interesting sign, you say "Oh cool! We've never gone slow by here before, just look at that!" Or you say "Hey, this is great, while we have a few minutes, I've always wanted to ask you about ..." Or you pull out a book-on-tape that you'd both been wanting to listen to.

Then after the "crisis" has passed, you talk again about the event in a positive way. "That was so cool that we were able to XXXXXXX".

The key is to NOT put any attention at all on the grumpiness. Ignore it completely, 100%. Instead, focus on the positive parts, and start getting that positive feedback loop going.