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#276634 - 10/21/06 01:56 PM Adult stepchildren and money
Glad2Bhere Offline
Newbie

Registered: 10/20/06
Posts: 1
I have 6 adult stepchildren. All of them seem to believe that their father is a money tree. He believes he is helping them. I believe they are using him for whatever they want. One still lives with his mother, while my husband pays monthly for a new car. 3 of them are in serious trouble with their credit, can't get a checking account, etc. I simply do not know how to deal with this and don't know where to turn.

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#276635 - 10/22/06 06:41 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money
joanj Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/14/06
Posts: 2616
Loc: Texas
I used to think when the step children were grown, these type of conflicts would end. My 3 step children don't really demand money from their father or (they say) expect it. However, HE is the one who seems intent on giving them money and things, even tho they are all well employed (we helped them through college) and married to men who are also doing fine. We, on the other hand, are trying to get ready for retirement and every time my husband hands over a few hundred dollars for a plane ticket or something, I can see our retirement getting further away.

He's better than he used to be when we spend literally a couple thousand dollars every Christmas to give them everything they wanted but I wish too he'd stop being so generous when they dont' reallly need it.

I sympathasize with your problem. I think you and he need to get some counseling so he can deal with the guilt. It all comes down to feeling guilty for "not being there for them" or maybe how they turned out in life.

I raised 2 of my stepdaughters and I know the guilt will eat at him and the resentment will eat at you. If you can't deal with it, you need to get out if you can. I spent years being resentful and angry and am just now learning how to put those years behind me. If the kids were still using their dad like they did then, with the hands out constantly, I don't think I could even stay with my husband at this point.

Life is too short to spend it being miserable!
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#276636 - 11/25/06 06:26 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money
SweetAnnie Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Ohio
I sometimes feel that divorced and widowed fathers live out their guilt over the disoved family by overspending on their children. But now I have been married to my husband for a year and am also finding that they feel it keeps them connected to their children. My husband was over-spoiling his 32-year-old daughter by covering many of her expenses - car purchase, car repair and insurance, cell phone on our family account, and sudden expenses. We, too, are close to retirement and 7 months after we were married, I found that my husband was phenomenally over-extended on credit cards (expenses had included a trip to the Riviera with the daughter), so I had to tell him it was too late in life to live like that. That's when he began to get honest with himself and pull back into reasonable living. He gave the daughter about 6 months notice that she would be handling her own expenses, he told his son that going to Hawaii for his wedding from the East Cost was too costly, and he went to a counselor to work with his feelings that made him feel the need to spoil his children, especially when he could see that it had more to do with him than it did his children.

I think my husband is a rather unusual person, and I'm very lucky to have found him. These efforts on his part did not come overnight, but only after a year of having his daughter become more and more unpleasant, regardless of his generosity, finding our finances as a couple were being compromised, and a year of our talking was wearing me out. What worked in my favor was how much my husband wanted our marriage to not only work, but to be happy. There wasn't happiness where his kids were involved, and he realized, finally, that it was up to them to find their own, that all the money he gave to them was not going to help, and that using money to attach them to him was not creating anything healthy. I also have to confess that I've been very firm in persuing this matter with him. I haven't been passive at all. One thing my husband was very aware of was that visits to my family were pleasant experiences and that my son adored him and was great to be with, so he began to see that there were other ways of living that could be happy. All of these things had a lot of influence on him. I am amazed that he has been willing to explore relationship changes at the ripe old age of 65. He really did want a new life, not a "better" repeat of his first marriage. It is possible, but to support a man in change, you have to do a lot of reading and reasearch. It's out there. There are books on dealing with adult stepchildren available. The problem, as it was for me, too, is that the new stepmother is often cast as the evil stepmother to the innocent Cinderella, and so you have to be very brave and love your husband very much. They are reacting to habitual situations that are hard to change.

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#276637 - 11/25/06 07:00 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money
amonga Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 4
My guy filed bankruptcy and they still kept coming to him. I asked him. Dont they know that you are in the hole deep? He said yes.... well then do something about it!

Now they are after his goods which is very little like a tv that was his only thing he brought to the house when he moved in. He was so excited about putting this in our bedroom but that changed very quickly .. and today she and her hubby took it. To be honest, I actually hope it doesnt work when they get it back to their place... the

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#332655 - 08/03/07 04:33 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: SweetAnnie]
Redd Offline
Newbie

Registered: 07/18/07
Posts: 3
How in the world did you get your husband to realize there was an issue? I've been dating my bf for almost 2 years and we've talked about the fact that his 28 year old daughter lives with us and he sees nothing wrong with it. He's always there to bail her out and he knows that I don't like the fact that she is irresponsible and should be working towards getting her own place. He says as long as she's happy, she can live with us forever. I wish I was stronger and could just walk away but beside the daughter issue, this man is perfect for me. It's hard for me to just walk away from this amazing relationship when it's over his 28 year old daughter living with us. Surely she'll move out at some point. Anyway, I would love to get him to go to counseling but I'm so afraid that if I bring it up, he'll say that he doesn't see any issues and if I'm that unhappy, we should just split. I'm not sure I am ready for that response. I would like to think that if he loved me as much as he says he does, he would try it but I don't know. When I brought up the daughter issue the first time, it did not go over well. He felt I was trying to push my values off on her when I was just trying to find out if he had any plans about her moving out soon.

And I've been trying to find self help books on adult step children still living at home when the parent doens't mind but the step-parent does....can't find any. I realize that is pretty specific but I'm desparate.

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#332971 - 08/05/07 02:18 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: Glad2Bhere]
Lisa1642 Offline
Newbie

Registered: 07/29/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Eastern Shore, MD
Hello, I am on my second marriage. Have three grown stepchildren, m32, f28, f22. And two of my own m18 & f16. Married for 5 years, together for 9... We have been having some problems with his two daughters, particularly with the 22 yr old. Three years ago, we pay for college, she stopped going and didnt tell us so we couldnt collect any return monies. Two years ago my husband co-signed for a new car for her. She struggled to make the pymts for 2 years. My husband wound up fronting pymts and driving to the bank to make them, he assures me she always paid him back... hhmmm...When my boy turned 18 the car was given to him because he can make the pymts. The 22 yr old hasnt had a full time job since the car purchase... we bought her a used car for $3000 so she could continue to work part time. But a lot of the problems we are having I do believe are due to my husband... she is his baby. 2 years ago I found out he had given her one of his credit cards for her to use. She had it for about 6 months before I found out about this. When I did find out, I began viewing it online only to find it has been over the limit and pymts made late! I insisted my husband collect this card back, which he did, only to find out three months later she charged $150 on shoes! My husband insisted he has the card in his possession which means she kept the numbers and stole the info... after putting a stop to that situation... I found out on my birthday, May of this year that my husband had secretly co-signed for a $4000 unsecured loan which has been in affect for a year now! Both of his daughters have given my husband sexy pics of them (by this I mean, those flawless pics with fuzzy stuff around their shoulder, the other shoulder exposed) and only lastnight I found out by my step daughter in law that his 22 yr old daughter tried to plan a harmless lunch for Fathers day into a surprise a trip to a strip club, needless to say, he never even got a lunch, now she is too broke and asking my husband for side jobs for money to take her boyfriend on vacation!!! We are currently in therapy.... but it seems that the only concern my husband has is that my 18 yr old doenst take out the trash! Any suggestions???
_________________________
Hello All.. originally from New Jersey. Now in Maryland. I have a teenage son and daughter. In my second marriage.

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#361583 - 12/24/07 01:55 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: Glad2Bhere]
Rene2 Offline
Newbie

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 2
Hi.... Your post touched a chord in my heart

I think the issue here is children wether step or not , looking at parents as a "bank" period..

that is the problem... we are not banks!... better they know this right off the bat

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#361613 - 12/24/07 05:03 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: Rene2]
deltababe Offline
Newbie

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 1
God, I am so glad I found this site. I am about to lose my mind! I have been with my BF for almost a year now and in the beginning he was going through a divorce of 27 yrs with a 21 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. I am been through the mill to the point I am ready to lose my mind to the point I just can't take anymore! His daughter is 21 now and is a Quadreplegic and the son is now in Drug Rehabilitation. Once the divorce was final the ex moved with her daughter to Ga with her Mother's boyfriend. In the mean time we were left here with all the debt and dealing with a son who was dependent on crack who finally was court ordered to Rehab. What a break or at least so I thought! Now mind you I have been with this man through the whole draining divorce and tolerated him still paying her bills and giving the kids hundreds of dollars while I was getting a $175.00 a week in unemployment due to having a vehicle accident and not being able to work! But yet he would never offer me money or offer me, but yet would meet his daughter weekly to take out to dinner and spend hundreds on shopping sprees, nails hair etc.(me not invited at the time) While my daughter who is married and lives in another state had her birthday and it took me 3 weeks just to get a box out for her! I am so angry and bitter right now. Well due to my accident I received a small settlement and ended up helping my boyfriend out to the amount of $10,000 to keep him from losing his equipment not to mention I ended up going to work and finally got us a home and wound up paying all the living expenses all the while he agreed to pay $500.00 to his daughter for the next 3 years to keep from paying the ex alimony. In addition to the $500.00 he still takes her on this shopping sprees. In the mean time I had to quit work due to my accident and having surgery here soon! and have became dependent on him and he has failed to pay my bills ontime or even pay them at all! In the meantime it's Christmas and has managed to buy Christmas for all his family but not even made sure that my daughter or her family gets Christmas from me! Believe me there is so much more! He now turns it on me that I want him to turn his back on his children and that I am trying to control him all the while he had to pay for part of his son's rehab and manages to give him spending money as well( I might add that while the son is in rehab, his girlfriend has just came up pregnant)! and also makes sure that his daughter has spending money but yet leaves me with less than $20.00 in my wallet! Help! I need some advise here although it quiet clear who the important one is. And he made sure he told me when I brought it to his attention about leaving me broke and giving all his money to his kids, that his committment was to his daughter in her situation and that he would be there for her no matter what! I have been made out to be the bad person here and left with the guilt! He's a great man and we are fine when the kids aren't calling!

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#369237 - 01/24/08 02:31 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: joanj]
88888 Offline
Newbie

Registered: 01/23/08
Posts: 5
That's what I came to realize. Life is too short to spend it afraid of the next confrontation and absolutely knowing there would be one with my husband's two adult daughters. Just like you, they EXPECT everything that their father works for. His money and house is theirs, he gave up his inheritance to his oldest to build her house. That was 4 years ago, not the first stake is in the ground. If I brought anything up, he would clam up and say it was because I didn't like his children. Of course I didn't like his children! How can you like someone who hates you??? I tried everything. Loved the grandkids like they were on my own. I never thought I would have to deal with this stuff with adult kids. Didn't know going in that I would never win any situation where those kids were concerned. Lose, lose situation. Our retirement was going to pay the youngest's student loans. Though I love my husband, I couldn't take the heat. Hope your situation turns out better than mine. I wish you the best.

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#404885 - 04/09/08 08:38 PM Re: Adult stepchildren and money [Re: Glad2Bhere]
Heather9999 Offline
Newbie

Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 9

I was in a similar boat to the point where it was impacting my money and I was ready to walk. My husband was sick to the point where he was being controled by a 17 year old and his ex-wife.

We went to a good marriage counselor who helped us sort through everything and then made a financial plan and goal sheet with the help of our local clergy. I had to give a little and he had to give a little- it can only work if he is willing to see this as a problem.


Edited by Heather9999 (04/09/08 08:40 PM)

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