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Feeling angry or resentful toward a person or situation? Then it may be time to do some forgiving!

Forgiveness

Forgiving can take a load of sorrow off your heart, and can return brightness into your life

I loved your article, Deanna! Forgiveness can be such an empowering act on so many levels. I have been faced with forgiving an abusive parent. I struggled with it for many years. How do you forgive someone who is supposed to teach you what love is all about, who are themselves incapable of love? I felt like I had to emotionally erase what she had done to me emotionally and spiritually, and continue a relationship with her while she showed no remorse for her continued actions (however unintentional or misguided they were due to uncontrolled mental illness.)

Then I heard the most lovely words. I had a session with Nan O'Brien, a medium/intuitive counselor and popular radio and television celebrity here in Vermont. She said, in abbreviated form, "It's not your job to forgive. If you put yourself in the position of forgiveness, then you have put yourself above that person, judging that what they did was 'wrong.' That is up to God. All you can do is understand that the person who hurt you was in a place of pain themselves. That is all you need to do."

This helped me so much. I felt a huge burden lifted off of me that I had to "forgive" my mother yet still allow her to project her poison onto me. It allowed me to maintain a heathy distance from her, yet still love her in the way that I am able to without feeing the guilt that I have somehow abandoned her.

A dear friend of mine has also struggled with forgiving her ex-husband for abusing her and their children. She never wanted to berate their father to the (now grown) children even though there was so much dysfunction in the family as a result of his actions. With the understanding that she did not still have to "love" him to forgive him, she has been able to go on with her life just knowing that he will never understand the pain he has caused, because of the abuse that he had suffered in his life time. The biblical quote comes to mind, "Forgive him, for he knows not what he does."

Thank you, Deanna for the opportunity to share our experiences with forgiveness.

Shay

Thanks for the great article, Deanna!

I carried a big load of resentments around with me for many years, which kept me from enjoying the moment and from having new relationships with my stepdaughters and even my husband.

I read the book 10 Secrets to Inner Peace and Success and Being in Balance, by Wayne Dyer and he talked about forgiving, how to do it and what it can do for you. I decided for my own sake I was going to forgive and move on, releasing the idea that I needed others to acknowledge me as "right" or to have the acknowledge my feelings at all.

I learned that only I can control what I think and feel and I chose not to spend the rest of my life resenting and being angry for things that happened long ago.

From that point on, all my relationships changed dramatically. I now work on putting out loving feelings, being less critical and more supportive and I am met with the same feelings from those around me.

Forgiveness can only be complete if you underpin it with Compassion.
Compassion only works successfully, if you team it with Wisdom.

Wisdom and Compassion are like the two wings of a bird. if one or other doesn't work, the bird cannot soar.
There is such a thing as "idiot Compassion". Feeling compassion without thinking it through, simply exercising it because we feel we should....
Wisdom permits you to understand the fundamental necessity and dynamic of forgiveness and compassion.

Wonderful.

yes, that is a good point. I think we do need to understand what we are CHOOSING to do when we forgive, so we are being real and not denying the facts.
One of the problems with some branches of Christianity have people misconstrewing forgivness without feeling and thinking it through. This has led to some thinking/finding they have not really forgiven. It is both an action and a choice.

Deanna,
That was one of the most amazing articles I have read. Well balanced, tactful and helpful. Thankyou.

I know for me, when I get angry I pretend the person who has hurt me is standing/sitting there and I tell them how I feel, then I can cry and let it out.

But forgivness is so hard to do sometimes, just have tp keep pegging away.
Your article game me a lot of hope. Thanks

Wow, what a wonderful article highlighting the importance of forgiveness. A recent study showed that 87% of disease can be traced to thought life. Imagine the improvement you could make by letting go of that grudge? Thanks for sharing this!

That is so true - when we are angry, it's not like the person who hurt us "knows" or "cares". They are off in their oblivious world. Our anger only hurts ourselves. The main reason people should release that anger is not so that the abuser feels better - it is so that the VICTIM feels better.

It seems almost paradoxical. Shouldn't the victim feel angry for being abused! Yes, at first. But over time they have to be able to let the anger go for their own well being. Keeping anger and stress in your system causes all sorts of hormonal harm in a very real, medical sense. So it is for your own health and well being that you should find some way to release the anger.

I know it's not easy! But if you get help and work at it every day, you can find some way to release it, and become a healthier, happier person.

You said it perfectly Lisa ! ! !

I totally agree... forgiveness lets the victim get on with living.

I will all ways remember the abuse, but over the years i have learned to handle it differently.
its not that i have forgiven, its that im allowing my self time to heal

The phrase "to forgive and forget" is one that is so misleading and innocent (in the juvenile sense of the word).

We can never forget something that is done to us. We aren't VCRs to be wound back and erased. But we can forgive and remember - and that takes even more courage and strength.

But is also gives us more strength. Because by having the memories of things that have hurt us, we learn lessons, maybe not fun ones, but always important ones. And thst builds us up as people.

Right I agree with you completely. We don't forget. But we do forgive, for our own health and sanity. It's not that we approve. But we let it go.

This is one of things I have people say to me... "but what happened was so awful... if I forgive them, it means I condone their behavior."

It absolutely does not mean that... it's just allowing us go on with our life.

Yes! We are not condoning them. We are not agreeing with them. We are only moving on and removing their hold on us.

When my oldest did something that was very hurtful a few monthds back and apologized for it laster I sat dowen ewith him and had a long talk.

I told him I forgave him for what he had done, but that did not make it right, and that I did not forgive the act. He still had done a bad thing, and could not take that back, and he would have to work long and hard to earn back my trust, but I still loved him, and would not remain angry at him. But I would be on my guard a lot more, and I would probably be quicker to react to negative things. It will take a lot of time and proof for him to show me that I can put my trust back in him again.

I think that is the difference between forgiving and condoning. Forgiving says "I understand you did a bad thing, and I will not remain angry about it, but you still must face the consequences.". Condoning says "You did something that was bad, but it was OK to do at the time, and there are no consequences".

To forgive is to walk in freedom!

Michelle, this was so beautifully put! What a great way to look at it.

Oh absolutely!

I found this quote this morning, and thought it was perfect for this forum.

"For every person in your past with whom you feel unhealed but unable to go back and resolve, there is someone standing before you offering you the opportunity to practice the healing you believe you missed."

-- Alan Cohen

One of my favourite quotations on forgiveness, is:

"The Past is over.
Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past."

Carl Jung.

Michelle, obviously, we cannot know what it is your eldest child did, and we therefore have no way of being able to comment specifically; fuerthermore, what I say is not intended as a citicism, it is purely an observation...

Trust is the most important thing we can hand to someone who has 'wronged' us but shown remorse.
To withold Trust makes it difficult for them to believe that the forgiveness is there. because witholding trust makes the forgiveness seem conditional.
When Thomas Alva Edison made his very first lightbulb, he entrusted the bulb to a young boy to carry to be tested.
The boy dropped it.
Edison's studio and laboratory spent an age making a new one. Thomas Edison gave the newly made bulb to the same young man to carry.
In my humble view, if we forgive, we forgive.
We tell the person that we forgive them, and ask them please to not do it again.

Even Christ would forgive, and simply say "Go, and Sin no more"..... he never stated that the sinner would have to re-earn Trust....
So I could not personally advise the person then, that they have to do some work to re-earn my trust.
To me, that's no forgiveness at all.
Of course, if there is no remorse, then chance are the person cares little, and will do it again.
But if a person is contrite, it seems to me that imposing conditions is prolonging both the agony and the punishment.

This is just my view. I don't intend to criticise.

Wow Alexandra, this is a really good point. I can remember once forgiving someone... but then finding it really hard to trust them again. I can see now that I had not actually forgiven them, but had only wanted to smooth things over and get on with life LOL.

I have come to experience that really, I don't need to trust people - I need to trust myself - that I can handle all that comes my way.

See, I beleive I can forgive the event that was done to me, but still expect to be shown that (especially in the case of children who are still growing) they have developed the right to be trsuted in the future.

I see them as two separate events, the past and the future; and they can be judged individually.

In my son's case, it was partially due ti his Asperger's and partially due to a medication problem, but he physically attacked me and hurt me quite badly. And his rage control has always been a problem of his.

I have forgiven him for the initial attack, but I am not ready to trust him by himself with the other two children. I do not think thast has anything to do with not forgiving him, but is just prudence on my part. I am not willing to take that chance.

and so it continues.

I don't understand?

Just because I get itchy when myths are spread around as truths, I don't believe that Edison story is true. It's a nice idea, but I'm not finding any factual basis for it. Edison didn't invent the light bulb. There were already light bulbs around, and he bought rights to the patent. What he did was play with them to make them last longer, and this was an ongoing process, not a one-shot process.

I think Alexandra and I will have to disagree on the trust issue. Let's say I have four kids on a roof and our house is on fire. Let's say there are two firemen down at the bottom telling us to jump. I throw down one of my kids and fireman A misses him completely. I see that fireman B is easily catching other people. I am going to throw my next child down to fireman B. I'm not going to repeatedly keep "trusting" fireman A hoping he gets it right eventually.

I feel strongly that trust is something that is earned. I don't walk down the street and give my money to a random stranger, hoping they will put it in a good savings account for me. I go with someone who has proven their trustworthiness and reliability, based on the recommendations of friends I trust.

If I want to go out to a good restaurant for my birthday, I don't ask a random stranger on the street where to go. I ask my friends, who I trust, where they would think I would enjoy. If a friend recommends somewhere that has cockroaches on the floor and slimy food, then I won't ask them again. I won't take the path of "I forgive you. OK, I want to go out next week, where should I go this time?" That makes no sense to me.

The purpose of experience is to help us learn who it makes sense to trust in what situations.

If my 11 year old daughter swears she is ready to babysit, and I test her out by letting her watch a 1 year old child - and she ignores the child all hour and chats on the phone in another room - then I'm not going to trust her with that job again until she is older. I'm not going to say "I forgive you for your lapse, so try again tomorrow." That doesn't make any sense to me. She's demonstrated that she's not mature enough, and we give her time to mature and grow. We don't just keep repeatedly putting a person into a situation where they are going to fail and something disastrous will happen as a result. That would not be responsible, in my eyes.

Wel, as I pointed out my comments were not inended to be either critical or judgemental... And in Michelle's case, I think she is right to exercise the caution she is demonstrating... Her situation is complicated by her child's condition, so of course he has to be given boundaries...

I think childen are slightly a different case, because as well as discipline, they have to be shown that there are consequences to actions, and that they need to take responsibility.... discipline is a different thing to Trust, sometimes....We expect children to slip up and to repeat mistakes.... that's all part of growing up, of establishing their boundaries, and of testing authority....
And any fireman who keeps dropping people is either in desperate need of retraining or needs a different job - !!

I like all the examples you've given, Lisa, but even with all that you have stated, at one point or another, you're going to have to trust again. If a friend recomends a restaurant, and it's not to your liking, surely you don't think - "I'm never ever going to trust that person again...."
Everyone lets us down at one point or another.
Parents, spouses, children, friends, relatives...And actually, I'm sure there are situations where I too, inadvertently, have let people down.
Of course I have.
Would I want to know that that person would never, ever trust me again, until I prove myself?
And am I honestly going to vow that I will never trust my parents, spouse, children etc... again, until they can prove themselves?
Heck no, of course not.
"To err is Human. To Forgive, Divine."
Because the one thing we all hanker after, in the affection of those we love, is unconditional acceptance. Warts and all.
To be loved is one thing. To be forgiven is another. But to be Loved, forgiven and accepted unconditionally is the most wonderful and perfect state to achieve. And if we can't have that, then the rest is a poor second.




And I didn't say Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, I stated when he made his first one...I know he didn't invent it, but he made it commercially viable.

And the episode with the little boy dropping the lightbulb was in the Spencer Tracy Edison Bio-pic... and Spencer Tracy wouldn't lie, so there.

(But I admit, it might well be apocryphal...)

However, I think you'll find the Biblical reference is accurate....

Forgiving is a gift to yourself. It is external to the one who has wronged you. They don't need or even necessarily want your forgiveness. They may or may not deserve your forgiveness, but you do. You deserve to have their burden lifted from your shoulders. To forgive is to give yourself permission to walk on, leaving their brokeness behind. If not, you carry it with you and it becomes yours. I, also, have struggled with an abusive, at times evil, mother. When I finally realized it was something broken within her, not me, I was able to forgive but not forget and it honestly has gotten easier and your vicious tongue doesn't hurt like it used to. I, also, feel trust and forgiveness are two seperate things. You can have one without the other. You can forgive the wrongful action, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should freely hand out your trust and allow them a second opportunity.

Geat post! You are so right that forgiveness has little to do with the one you give and everything to do with you. I had people in my family that I needed to forgive because the burden of bitterness over the past was poisoning my present.

When I did forgive them, everything changed and I was a happier person. I didn't do it for them, but for me.

They never even knew about my feelings (either positive or negative) as it was something no one discussed. It was all an internal process for me but it totally changed my life.

That answered my next question, which was: How do you handle forgiving someone who never apologizes or even acknowledges thast they've done something wrong?

But if it is more about ourselves and letting things go, then it really doesn't matter whether the other person admits it or not I suppose.

And Alexandra - sorry if it came off as I was attacking you, I was just trying to clarify where I was coming from.

To further thast subject - I think even adults need to be expected to prove themselves up to a point. (Like in the case of an a spouse committing adultery). But at some point one has to give them the chance to do right or mess up - because really the only way to prove that they are trustworthy is by in the doing.

Michelle, for my part, no apolgy is necessary at all. If anything, perhaps I should apologise to you for 'opening' the subject wider, and compelling you perhaps, to elaborate on a point you might not have wanted to expand on....The clarification, of course, helped.
because as I then further went on to say, I think forgiving children "Conditionally" as it were, is important to their upbringing and education. They do need boundaries. They have to know that Love has no limits, but that discipline most certainly does....
And your point about the adulterous spouse is also true....
In short, I think every situation has to be evaluated on its circumstances - but our reluctance or unwillingness to 'let it go' after a period of time, might say as much about our own 'agenda' as it does theirs..... maybe....?

Nadaurz,good post.

I actually do not mind sharing my story of Michael.

So many parents of AS kids feel isolated and like they are doing everything wrong, and a tremendous sense of guilt - I know it has been refreshing in the past for me to hear other's stories. So I'm willing to share my own in the hopes that it will give someone else a feeling of "I'm not alone!"

I think part of this may come down to how we define "trust". Words are so tricky

I may have a friend who adores spicy food. If I let them choose a restaurant, and they choose something spicy, then I don't trust them going forward to choose restaurants I will find match my palate. It's not that I am judging them to be "bad" or wrong or anything. It is just that I know what they provide is not what I seek.

If someone plays piano badly, then that is fine! But I would not choose them for my wedding. I would not "trust" them to play for my wedding. Maybe they are an awesome cook and would make the very best cake known. But I wouldn't keep "trusting" them to play the piano at my events, hoping they would get better. Instead, I would go with someone I knew did play the piano well.

So if a person always lies, it does not help me or them to keep putting them in situations where they will fail and I will be upset. Instead, I accept that they tend to lie, that it is part of how they handle life. And I make sure I am not in a situation where their lies may cause serious problems. I would not have them be the executor of a will for example. I wouldn't trust them to do brain surgery either. Every one of us has our strengths and weaknesses, and it's wise to be aware of them, I think.

I just saw this quote today, and thought it applied to this thread very well:

"Every Saint has a past; Every sinner has a future."

I thought that was lovely.

In life none other "FORGIVENESS" is a best gift.
Best for one who receive it and most beautiful who give it.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free

�There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.�

For me forgiveness means that you accept what was done to you and you then let that same person do it again so forgiveness is not for me and never will be. Anyway you cannot forgive someone that cannot admit what they did, this is the case with everyone who has done something bad to me so even if I changed my mind about forgiveness I could not do that to them. I will find a way to go on when I break free from them but that way won't be through forgiveness.