BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need clarification

My husband and I have been married for about nine months. for six of those months he was out to sea with the Navy. Now for a little background. I used to be very independent. Since we've been together I've become very clingy and needed. I feel like i need to make up for the six months he was gone by spending time with him, which is exactly what he doesn't want. He wants us to be able to go out and do our own thing. So for three nights I went out with the girls. Had a really good time and enjoyed myself. He got upset because we weren't spending time together. So the next day I blew everyone off so I could spend the day with him. All he did for most of the day was play on the computer. This lead to a huge fight and he called in his mother and sister. No matter how much we fight I never tell my family because I dont' want them to think any worse of him. He really is a wonderful person and I want them to see what I see in him. but every time we have a fight his family knows and blames it on me. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I don't know how to handle this situation while still treading softly. any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you

Nova,
This is typical of military husband/wife relationships. THe fact that you are away from each other does cause mixed emotions, fears, and fights.

You fear losing him and so have become clingy and needy. He wants to be with you yet he has had to be self-entertaining while away from you, so he doesn't know how to deal with being with you now.

I do agree that bringing his family into it is wrong. That is immature.

Talk with him, ask what he wants from you, and then ask how he wants to go about spending time with you. Tell him your fears and how you feel.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!!

My husband is in the Navy. We've been happily married for over 7 years and have always delt with deployments well. Luckily we both communicate remarkably well with each other and in a constructive way which helps to resolve both of our needs without arguing. Not that we never have an arguement though, every married couple argues at some point. As long as the arguments are about silly stuff and you can communicate about the serious stuff it's not an issue.

I think that the issue with him discussing your arguements with his family is going to be an ongoing future problem. It's almost as if he is "telling on you." It seems immature. It's going to cause issues between you and his family over the long run. Generally married couples are happier if you each get along with your in-laws. Out of everything you've mentioned, just going from your above post, I'd say this is the biggest issue.

Lots of people go to couples counseling. Many of them aren't even having "serious" issues they just want to prevent them from occuring in the future. What about talking with the Navy Chaplain? It's free and I'm sure confidential.

If counseling or talking with the chaplain is out, just sit down and be honest with each other in a non-accusatory way. Each of you says I feel - blank (without accusing the other person of being rude, annoying, hurtful, etc.) Start out saying how you feel confused when he asks you to spend time with him, but then does a solo activity all day. Tell him that you have missed him, but also respect his need for space. Explain that you feel hurt when he calls his parents and gives them details about your arguements. Develop a schedule and have an activity set that you both do together when you're spending the day with each other.

Deployments are never easy, but you'll both get the hang of things after a bit. Communication is the most important part. If you can both be honest and talk openly with each other this will be 100 times easier.

Another tip would be to try and remember how you made things work well before he left and then make attempts to fall back into a similar schedule and pattern.

I didn't mention as far as you feeling clingy, it sounds harsh but just try and work through it. It's normal, but over the long run you won't be happy feeling this way. Develop your own schedule and interests, do more things for you. You'll have more to talk with him about, and you'll both be happier. If you have a good relationship with your parents give them a call to talk. Expand your web of friends and family so that you feel your husband is a peice of this web, but not the whole part. You don't have to go out with girlfriends every night either. Take a class, read an interesting book or volunteer somewhere in your community. Once you get into a routine you'll feel more calm and satisfied.

I've turned into a crazy gardener since I've been married. I've found that I just love gardening (roses, butterfly beds, etc.) It's great to have something I'm passionate about that I can also do on my own yet share with my husband. I even took the Master Gardener course in my free time so that I could do volunteer work with the community. Obviously everyone doesn't love gardening, but find something out there that's right for you.

Nova, Kristen and Charity have some really good advice. I would have told you similar things. The key is communication. It is immature of your husband to "tattle" to his mother and sister and it causes a rift between you and your inlaws which will only get wider as time goes on if he does not respect your privacy and feelings. It is so important to communicate and to keep your serious, personal discussions just between the two of you. My feeling is the reason he tattles to his family is because he is insecure and he is probably insecure because his mother and sister have dominated him all his life by "taking care of his problems". It sounds as if he does not know how to resolve problems on his own. Since he seems to be insecure, that is probably why he wants you with him, even if he does a "solo" thing. He just wants to know you are there.

I would try to find the things you both are interested in and gradually do more of these things together and build a way of life where the two of you have more and more quality time together and start building good memories that do not include his family. I am not saying to totally ignore his family, inviting them over for dinner or going on a picnic or something with them might turn out to be fun for all of you - but, you and your husband need to come first with each other and let that bond grow ever deeper as time goes by.

Discussing these problems and feelings with the Navy Chaplain, as Charity mentioned would be a good way to begin to open up to each other. It would let your husband know that you care enough to make your marriage work.

Good luck to you.

Phyllis has an excellent point about developing traditions and memories of activites that only involve the two of you.

This causes you to think of you and your husband as not just a couple but a family, which is what the two of you now are. It can take a year or two to fully develop this, but it's very important.

Create your own holiday traditions. Add a bit of his family's tradition to your holiday and a bit of your family's tradition to the holidays and then add your own to the mix. Before you were married once you had your own family what did you always want to do? Now you can do it. It can be fun to develop new ideas for traditions together. Both of you can shape your new life.

Pick an inexpensive restaurant to go to every Monday or have pasta night on Thursdays at home. It's the little things that really start to make you feel like a married couple.

Like Phyllis mentioned above you both need to be first for each other. One of my girlfriends and I always joke that our husbands are our "one tell" for any secrets. You should both be able to share intimate details with each other as friends and know that your secret is safe so to speak.

He needs to work through this deal with his mother and sister. It prevents you from feeling that you come first.

"He needs to work through this deal with his mother and sister. It prevents you from feeling that you come first."

So true, Charity.

My husband was dominated quite a bit by his mother and in the beginning of our marriage, he checked with her on almost everything and told her almost everything that went on between us. It took me quite some time to build up his confidence and ego. I would ask his opinion on a lot of things and ask him to do a lot of things for me (that I actually could have done for myself). Gradually, he came to understand that I needed him and we had to build a marriage, trust, memories together to strengthen our bond. After awhile he was able to tell his mother, "No, Phyllis prefers it be done this way and I agree with her." He learned to put me and our marriage first. Maybe this is what your husband needs, to be made to feel that you need him and his knowledge and his love and his trust and confidence to make this marriage work. Hopefully, eventually, he will be able to step up and be the stronger for it and tell his mother and sister, "This is between my wife and I and I agree with her."

I have been in the service for almost 7 years now and have spent half of that away from my better half. During those times apart, you will long for your spouse and the need to be around them. but you will develop your habits, your own routine, and your own guidelines for how you operate day to day.

When he comes home his rules won't match what your rules are..you need to get use to it. It sucks, but it's a fact, you spend that long apart, it's hard to come back and click. He is going to feel overwhelmed at first, he isn't going to want you to be gone on your own (the girls night out for example) but he isn't going to want you to be clingy and all over him (his reason for hiding on the computer).

It's weird, and unfortunantely a lot of relationship can't handle it, but if you can learn to work through it, it really builds a strong relationship. You both become independant, but still need each other. You can operate alone, but enjoy time together.


As for the mother/sister part. It will just take time, those have been his female lifelines for a long time, and he will naturally still go running to them when he is confused, or needs advice on what to do. I can't speak for them but hopefully they are giving him good advice, and not fueling the fire. And as for them blaming you... that's [censored]. He needs to be standing up for his wife.

I don't have a lot of advice to give on dealing with coming together again after deployment but I do want to say that when the two of you fight, the WORST thing either of you can do is run off and tell your parents, siblings, grandparents etc. the details of the fight. As huband and wife, you will have these arguements but when he tells him family - it makes you out to be the bad guy. If you were to run and tell your parnts - it would make him out to be the bad guy. None of this activity will strengthen or help your marriage. It creates hostility, resentment and gossiping. That "running and telling mommy" has to stop for the good of you both and your marriage.