BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce When is it over?

What exactly did your "H" say or do to DS? Have you started to keep a JOURNAL? I suggest you do. Dates/times and the story to go with it. But please keep the journal somewhere where "H" won't find it. I found keep a journal helped me keep track of what was happening. See clearer. See a cycle. MY "H" cycled.... there was a period of GOOD, where he'd be loving and caring and playful. Then you can see it start building slowly.... and then finally the outburst. Now, I used to keep a journal at the very begining of our relationship and marriage. And the outbursts were all "explainable" there was always a reason to the madness. And since the outbursts happened infrequently at that time... the LULL period.. was great. Soothing. It would fade the memory of the outburst quickly. However, as the years progressed, so did the cycle. He cycled quicker. To the point in the end where he was constantly angry.

Keep a journal. Good for your peace of mind to keep the facts straight because when they GAS LIGHT you.. you'll start thinkin your nuts and bolts arn't tightened down. It's called Crazy Making. We start questioning our own sanity and that.. is by design. They can't possibly be in the wrong... its always us.. or someone else. They don't take responsibility. Keeping a journal will help alleviate you questioning yourself. AND... can be used in a court of law at a later date if needed.

Next...you children. Look, your S9 is already asking you to do something about it. He looks up to you to protect him. Physically and emotionally. You are his HERO. You still have the GODDESS status at this point. I'll tell you what? I'd choose my CHILDREN over H any day of the week.

YOU need to make some decisons here. You need to sort out your feelings and thoughts and you need help. Since you're on here looking for answers the process has already started. Are you able to go talk to a THERAPIST or COUNSELOR who can help you sort this out for you? Have you contacted your family and would they be of any use to you? You need to tell someone and confide in someone. A friend???? It helps bouncing off ideas off others. We don't feel so alone in the world and a light appears at the end of the tunnel faster.

If your H is emotionally or verbally abusing your children it has got to stop. Stand up to him and tell him that it is unacceptable behavior, don't let him snow you over with he's trying to make a man out of S9... and toughen him up. Was that how he was raised? and was everything in his childhood rosie??? I don't think so. Controlling Narcisstic behavior was learned somehwere. And if you look into his childhood.. I'd be you'd find that he's been imprinted by one or both of his parents.

Point is... do you want your son to think H's behavior is good behavior.. the right way to act???

I'm teaching my children GOOD CHOICE/BAD CHOICE.. Your choice. And if they choose to make a bad choice... well they will get consequences of those choices. Your "H" is behaving like an overgrown BULLY...he hasn't grown out of us teen angst stage... he might never. One thing is for sure... If you don't bust a move.. it will continue.

Granma said:
"If you keep doing what you've always done.. you will continue to get what you always got."

She also said:

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and has fleas, it's a dog.

BTW...

It's over when you've finally decided you've had enough.
And you'll know when that day comes.

Remember your first pregnancy... and you wondered what it would be like to go into labor? and how will you know?

This is the same thing... You'll just know. You won't question it any longer. You'll know. It's like getting an epiphany... you'll pip yourself in the head and say.. "HUH..." You'll just know.

A friend of mine who was in a physically/verbally abusive relationship, told me one night..."I've done it. I've seen a lawyer. And tomorrow.. I'm going to ask for a divorce."

I thought WONDERFUL...watching that type of phsyical abuse from the sidelines for many years as a friend was heart wrenching.

I told my mother the next day. It's finally gonna happen. They are gonna ask for a divorce.

Mom quietly looked at me and said..."ahhhh so you think its over? you're wrong. It won't happen."

How did she know?????

Mom said.. "When you are done. You don't ask. You do."

Many years later... I experienced what she was talking about.
It hit me like a bolt of lightening... mentally.. I was DONE. And no matter what the hardships or the tribulations to come. I was DONE. After the epiphany... the planning stages came into play... figuring out how to get out of a strait jacket like HOUDINI.

So... when its over... You'll know.

My friend? well... mom was right. It wasn't done till 5 years later.

With my dh and ds, it starts over a battle over chores and responsibilities. Basically, ds is lazy, a behavior he's learned from his dad, and it takes some motivation to get him going. Both dh and I have done our fair share of yelling at him and it doesn't work. I've been reading books on how to deal with him and dh's method is to keep yelling and call him names. The yelling is bad enough, but the name calling is so unexceptable. I keep telling dh to stop because I know how it felt when he used to call me a b--- all the time. So the other day, I ended up having to yell at ds to get him to take the dogs out because he was in the other room ignoring me and dh just had to point out that I yelled at him too. I know that when I get upset, I always make a point to apologize and give him a hug and no name calling.

This weekend had actually been peaceful and he was in major butt kissing mode. He even went to church with me and bought me some Easter lilies. He knows he's crossed that line with me once again! Yesterday though, he was a bad mood because someone cut him off at the gas station and he proceded to take it out on us. I also got lectured about pulling for the Pres. candidate that's on the opposite side than him and about not showing him any respect. Whatever!

I do know that it's a cycle because I've been living it, but the good times are getting further apart. I look back and it seems that I was ripe for the picking. When dh and I got together, I had just ended a bad relationship that I was in off a rebound of another relationship, I'm living out of state and had few friends and I was still upset because of my parents divorce. This has just snowballed over time.

I did confide in my aunt Friday night and she's also just fresh out of an abusive relationship, but her's was physical and it was dealing with her that gave me the strength to start fighting back in mine. She said that she could tell this kind of stuff was happening and also thought he was lazy (true) and self-centered (true).

I can't go to counseling because he'd find out and through a fit and since he controls the money, there you go! I'm going to start putting a few dollars back here and there and let him pay down some of those credit cards of mine that he racked up when he wasn't working.

That's the thing that really sucks. We had to rely on mainly my cc cards and I'm going to have to pay off that debt because he's been out of work so much. I'd say in the past 14 years, he's been out of work at least 1/3 of it. It's always there fault too! He's made me lie to his family about it and act like everything's ok when it wasn't.

I'm just so ready to go.