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I've been married for almost 14 years and we have 4 kids together. Things have always been turbulant in our relationship and we've never developed a means of communication. When I want to discuss something, he yells and I cry.

Dh treats me like I'm stupid most of the time and basically he mades all household decisions and does not take into consideration my wishes and feelings. I've put up with his condonsending attitude toward me for years and it hurts. Now I see that it's effecting our children. My older two, 9 and 4 yrs, are starting to have less and less respect toward me and I'm the primary disciplinarian because he doesn't help out until it's to the point of him yelling and usually cussing out my oldest ds. I've had it with the name calling and he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

We're in a financial mess because he never keeps a job for very long. He did just go back to work 2 months ago after being off work for 2 1/2 years. I'm the one with the stable job, insurance and we also had gotten some inheritance money (mine) that I didn't to decide a penny of how it was spent. He handles all bill and give me a weekly allowance and questions me when I do spend any of it.

We spend no alone time together and the last time we went out was when I was pg. with my 4yo. We've had twins since then and they're 20 months. He comes home from work and sits in front of the tv all evening and then goes to our office where he spends most of the night listening to talk radio and sleeping on the couch. He hasn't slept all night in our room since before the twins almost 2 years ago.

We don't fight that often, but when it's not just silent between us, it's snide comments. Last week after an evening of bickering in the car, I finally gave it back to him and told him to watch how he talks to me or he could walk home. My kids heard all of this and I feel bad, but he had been putting me down for about 2 hours at that point. They don't need to witness that either!

I've been afraid to leave for years because of what his reaction will be since he does have quite a temper. He has never hit me, but I don't know when it comes down to it. I'm also in a different state than all my family and friends so that complicates things in terms of having support around. If I do leave, I also want to move back home and I know he'd go through the roof on that one, but he should expect it. I've been trying to get him to move to my home state since we married and he's always even resistant about visiting. He's very controlling.

Any words of wisdom and advise? TIA!

Hello,
I am not trying to be rude, but since you have the stable job with insurance & he does not work much, why do you need him around? He is very controlling & this is not right. I wonder why you allow him to treat you this way. I think it is about time you told him he can walk home after the way he was on your back for a long time. I think sometimes, some of us allow this bad behavior because we dont' know what else to do. But you can do something about it.

There is always counseling but if he will not go you can. You can also separate or divorce. Personally I would not put up with a man who does not work for over 2 yrs. while I was working. Unless he was ill & could not work. Your kids lost respect for you, because you are going along with what ever he wants. That is no good in a relationship or marriage for 1 person to make all the decisions & to control everything.

To me it seems that he wanted you away from you family to control you more. I know that we can't change other people. Only ourselves. But that does not mean that you have to keep putting up with this. Yrs. ago my daughter turned against me because I was putting up with a husband who was drinking & using drugs. I finally got the courage to throw him out. But it took yrs. for her to have respect for me. Because what ever we put up with the kids have to deal with alot of garbage in their lives.

You see as adults we have choices. But with kids they are stuck there & they see & hear more than you think they do. It does alot of damage to them. I read many posts on this site & so many women are putting up with alot of bad stuff with men. I really don't see this situtation getting any better for you & your kids. You had this going on for 14 yrs. I'm sure you don't want to put up with this for the rest of your life. I would tell him to leave. Or work it out so you can go with your kids to be near your family for help & support. If he gets mad about it, too bad. You probably have to check with a lawyer if they live in another state. The very best of luck to you. Judy K. Chicago.

Dear 4 Kiddos

I will not pussyfoot around with this. Get out and do it now! You cannot bring those children up in that atmosphere, nor can you survive without more damage to yourself - damage that will take years to correct.

You are a victim of domestic violence and you need to stop it before you get any older. Domestic violence does not just mean hitting.

YOU got an inheritance and HE spent it for you? Last straw!

If you want to go home, do it. He has totally lost his say in your life - married or not. He doesn't respect you - you need to respect yourself and let the kids see you do it!

I am all with the others. Get therapy and think about divorce if he won't. This is NOT an environment to raise children in. So many adult abusers are that way because they grew up in an abusive childhood. Don't let your children grow up that way.

I would go to therapy, get counseling for your children, and see a lawyer to talk about your options. At least you would know what you're up against and what to do. Lisa is right, abuse is a cycle, and you can break the cycle for your children.

I know it is scary to think of being on your own with your children, but once you do it, you'll be relieved that you did. It will take time to get over it, time to heal, time to make sure your children are ok, but you will get over it.

Thanks for all your advice. This weekend was another rough weekend and I had to stand up to him again. I'm pretty sure it's not a matter of if I should do it, but when. One of my major problems is the money. My check gets direct deposited and I see all of $20 a week. I won't be able to access as much as I need. I'm also frightened of his reaction. I see all these awful stories on the news of men who flip out and so something to the wife or to the kids. I also know someone from an online forum who was just killed by her so-to-be ex.

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Thank you Am Z for that link. I'll be checking it out.

Things are back to being quiet around my house for the time being. It's back to the silent treatment. Sometimes I think that's worse because I don't know what he's thinking.

A friends suggested that he just might be waiting for me to make the first move and he may be right. Neither of us has been happy with each other for a long time. He may just want out too, but he wants to make me the bad guy.

The one thing I do know is that I need him to start treating my oldest ds better. If I'm not around on "dad's weekend" then I'm not there to diffuse the situation between the two of them.

I thought MY DXH... did the same. Wanted me to pull the trigger. He couldn't have possibly been happy. And yet when I did pull the trigger...it wasn't pretty. Sometimes, as the song says, "You have to be cruel to be kind."

Regarding your DS and his relationship with is father. It is THEIR relationship. Whether you are present or not.. it is not your responsibility to build that bridge. It is your husbands responsibility to build the bridge and maintain it. Kids are smart, kids are resilliant. The seeds your husband sow's today he will reap tomorrow and not like it very much.

I'm divorced and DXH is a pill. I hate hate hate to send the kids to him every other weekend. He's like that box of chocolates... ya never know what you are gonna get that day. I was/am concerned about his parenting skills. And early on I tried to assure the girls that their dad loved them. I don't do that anymore. It's not my responsibility to tell them "daddy loves them." I'm not going to speak for him. But then again I won't tear him or that bridge down either. I don't want that kinda of Karma, thank-you.

I have an open door policy with my girls and I hope they can come talk to me about anything. I try not to pry into their relationship with Dad. But if something is going on that they are having difficulties with... the only way I can help is if I know about it. It pains me to no end when I hear about Dad's abusive language. grrrrrr. However, there's a lesson in that..... I'm teaching my girls how to be assertive and hold thier own. They don't have to deal with their dad 24/7... so the small doses they get of his abusive nature.

You can't be everywhere 24/7. We all want to think we can protect and buffer our children as much as possible... but if you think of it.. the older they get, it's impossible to do. You do the best you can... and you use everything and anything as a teaching device.

You're right that it's there relationship, but my ds is only 9 and very sensitive. He asked me the other day just to get his dad to leave him alone and it broke my heart. My other 3 kids are younger, the youngest 2 are under 2, so it make it even harder with them.

What exactly did your "H" say or do to DS? Have you started to keep a JOURNAL? I suggest you do. Dates/times and the story to go with it. But please keep the journal somewhere where "H" won't find it. I found keep a journal helped me keep track of what was happening. See clearer. See a cycle. MY "H" cycled.... there was a period of GOOD, where he'd be loving and caring and playful. Then you can see it start building slowly.... and then finally the outburst. Now, I used to keep a journal at the very begining of our relationship and marriage. And the outbursts were all "explainable" there was always a reason to the madness. And since the outbursts happened infrequently at that time... the LULL period.. was great. Soothing. It would fade the memory of the outburst quickly. However, as the years progressed, so did the cycle. He cycled quicker. To the point in the end where he was constantly angry.

Keep a journal. Good for your peace of mind to keep the facts straight because when they GAS LIGHT you.. you'll start thinkin your nuts and bolts arn't tightened down. It's called Crazy Making. We start questioning our own sanity and that.. is by design. They can't possibly be in the wrong... its always us.. or someone else. They don't take responsibility. Keeping a journal will help alleviate you questioning yourself. AND... can be used in a court of law at a later date if needed.

Next...you children. Look, your S9 is already asking you to do something about it. He looks up to you to protect him. Physically and emotionally. You are his HERO. You still have the GODDESS status at this point. I'll tell you what? I'd choose my CHILDREN over H any day of the week.

YOU need to make some decisons here. You need to sort out your feelings and thoughts and you need help. Since you're on here looking for answers the process has already started. Are you able to go talk to a THERAPIST or COUNSELOR who can help you sort this out for you? Have you contacted your family and would they be of any use to you? You need to tell someone and confide in someone. A friend???? It helps bouncing off ideas off others. We don't feel so alone in the world and a light appears at the end of the tunnel faster.

If your H is emotionally or verbally abusing your children it has got to stop. Stand up to him and tell him that it is unacceptable behavior, don't let him snow you over with he's trying to make a man out of S9... and toughen him up. Was that how he was raised? and was everything in his childhood rosie??? I don't think so. Controlling Narcisstic behavior was learned somehwere. And if you look into his childhood.. I'd be you'd find that he's been imprinted by one or both of his parents.

Point is... do you want your son to think H's behavior is good behavior.. the right way to act???

I'm teaching my children GOOD CHOICE/BAD CHOICE.. Your choice. And if they choose to make a bad choice... well they will get consequences of those choices. Your "H" is behaving like an overgrown BULLY...he hasn't grown out of us teen angst stage... he might never. One thing is for sure... If you don't bust a move.. it will continue.

Granma said:
"If you keep doing what you've always done.. you will continue to get what you always got."

She also said:

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and has fleas, it's a dog.

BTW...

It's over when you've finally decided you've had enough.
And you'll know when that day comes.

Remember your first pregnancy... and you wondered what it would be like to go into labor? and how will you know?

This is the same thing... You'll just know. You won't question it any longer. You'll know. It's like getting an epiphany... you'll pip yourself in the head and say.. "HUH..." You'll just know.

A friend of mine who was in a physically/verbally abusive relationship, told me one night..."I've done it. I've seen a lawyer. And tomorrow.. I'm going to ask for a divorce."

I thought WONDERFUL...watching that type of phsyical abuse from the sidelines for many years as a friend was heart wrenching.

I told my mother the next day. It's finally gonna happen. They are gonna ask for a divorce.

Mom quietly looked at me and said..."ahhhh so you think its over? you're wrong. It won't happen."

How did she know?????

Mom said.. "When you are done. You don't ask. You do."

Many years later... I experienced what she was talking about.
It hit me like a bolt of lightening... mentally.. I was DONE. And no matter what the hardships or the tribulations to come. I was DONE. After the epiphany... the planning stages came into play... figuring out how to get out of a strait jacket like HOUDINI.

So... when its over... You'll know.

My friend? well... mom was right. It wasn't done till 5 years later.

With my dh and ds, it starts over a battle over chores and responsibilities. Basically, ds is lazy, a behavior he's learned from his dad, and it takes some motivation to get him going. Both dh and I have done our fair share of yelling at him and it doesn't work. I've been reading books on how to deal with him and dh's method is to keep yelling and call him names. The yelling is bad enough, but the name calling is so unexceptable. I keep telling dh to stop because I know how it felt when he used to call me a b--- all the time. So the other day, I ended up having to yell at ds to get him to take the dogs out because he was in the other room ignoring me and dh just had to point out that I yelled at him too. I know that when I get upset, I always make a point to apologize and give him a hug and no name calling.

This weekend had actually been peaceful and he was in major butt kissing mode. He even went to church with me and bought me some Easter lilies. He knows he's crossed that line with me once again! Yesterday though, he was a bad mood because someone cut him off at the gas station and he proceded to take it out on us. I also got lectured about pulling for the Pres. candidate that's on the opposite side than him and about not showing him any respect. Whatever!

I do know that it's a cycle because I've been living it, but the good times are getting further apart. I look back and it seems that I was ripe for the picking. When dh and I got together, I had just ended a bad relationship that I was in off a rebound of another relationship, I'm living out of state and had few friends and I was still upset because of my parents divorce. This has just snowballed over time.

I did confide in my aunt Friday night and she's also just fresh out of an abusive relationship, but her's was physical and it was dealing with her that gave me the strength to start fighting back in mine. She said that she could tell this kind of stuff was happening and also thought he was lazy (true) and self-centered (true).

I can't go to counseling because he'd find out and through a fit and since he controls the money, there you go! I'm going to start putting a few dollars back here and there and let him pay down some of those credit cards of mine that he racked up when he wasn't working.

That's the thing that really sucks. We had to rely on mainly my cc cards and I'm going to have to pay off that debt because he's been out of work so much. I'd say in the past 14 years, he's been out of work at least 1/3 of it. It's always there fault too! He's made me lie to his family about it and act like everything's ok when it wasn't.

I'm just so ready to go.