BellaOnline Forums Family 12 Step Recovery Please Help!!!!

Hi Casey,

Although it may sound selfish but you have to think of yourself first. Unfortunetly, people tend to think that just because they found someone and decided to enter a relationship with the person that they must endure any type of abuse in order to stay in the selected relationship. This is just not true. He has a problem but it really is not your personal problem. What I mean is that his drinking problem can only be addressed by him and nothing you will do or say can alter his actions.

I know it is really difficult to hear it when someone recommends that you end a relationship. I know it is hard to think about ending something when you feel you have invested so many years into it. But the truth of the matter is that you are not happy so you have to take steps in your life to encounter happiness. This does not mean another man, although I truly believe that in time you will find someone who you admire and love and who loves you and makes you feel special every single day of your life. In order to achieve this you must take some drastic steps now and I think you know what those steps are.

I wish you all the best.
Giselle

I agree. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I am a recovering alcoholic. I wish I could give you some great advice of what you should or should not do, but I am nieve to the perspective of the spouse who has to endure the pain. All I can say is that I would of never agreed to get help if I had personally not hit rock bottom. My rock bottom wasn't becoming homeless or losing everything. It was simply seeing my kids being afraid to play with me. That was it! That was my rock bottom. I believe this is true for most alcoholics. That is that unless they hit a 'rock bottom' of some sort, they may never change. Even if they recognized their rock bottom, that is still not a promise they will change. I am very very sorry for this pain you are enduring. I don't know why my wife put up with me, I certainly wouldn't have blamed her if she left with the kids. I don't know what else to say except that it's not selfish to love yourself and pursue happiness for yourself. I think it is important for you to love yourself more than you hate his alcoholism. Either way, his choices are his own and shouldn't be beared by you.

Casey,

You have had a great response to your original post and a lot of good advice. Most of it was just to take care of you! So, let us know how you are doing because there are a lot of concerned folks out there!

Blessings,

Kathy L.

Hi Casey,

I'm just going to write what comes to mind... I just joined this group and consider it was Godidenced... I began seeking to find a 12-step line about being doomed to perpetual ignorance... didn't want to misquote it. Realize I'm not stuck in perpetual ignorance but the very fact that I've been 'stuck' and now realize most of my being 'stuck' is my 'automatic thoughts'. How much of my automatic thoughts would line up under 'Stink'n Think'n' and how much aligns with rational beliefs? The thoughts that would make me feel shame or guilt when another person I love has not sought help and I tend to try to help them and wind up hurting myself. My Higher Power is God and I believe I needed to be jerked up short about how alcoholism is still working and that I do suffer from the effects of alcoholism. I can get help for myself and I can avoid misery. Instead of saying pain is necessary misery is optional, I now say increase pleasure, decrease pain. How? Getting support that identifies the problem focuses on solutions, and fosters serenity, peace, and an opportunity to increase pleasure and decrease pain.

Reading your share gave me reminded me of the time many years ago when I called and asked, "How can I help my daughter without becoming part of a trauma drama?" My daughter had finally gone to DIVIS for help. I didn't just want to try to 'fix' something, I wanted to know how to really help ... The answer I got wasn't a shock. I was asked 2 questions: 1) what are you doing to take care of yourself? 2) Do you know about Al Anon? I�d been to Codependence Anonymous meetings and knew I had some basic guidelines to guide me� I needed Al Anon. The people in Al Anon helped me and added to my perspective about how far reaching alcoholism is and how harmful to everyone in a family for years to come unless they find appropriate help.

Long ago I wrote a piece about alcoholism being a multigenerational disease. Even this right now moment I am most grateful for the reminder. I had forgotten how insidious alcoholism is. It's also been called a baffling and cunning disease. I tend to think I can think rationally about the ongoing effects and realize the only rational thing I can do always comes back to What am I doing to take care of myself and begin helping myself by looking to the principles of the 12 Step programs.

Today I arrived at this site and believe my H P whom I choose to call God leads me toward things that bring help and health...

Thank you 12 steppers for letting me share, I needed to. I�m feeling a sense of joy and some freedom. I don�t have to feel guilty for not helping or responding to the same old stuff. I do have a choice. I can live with unsolved problems. I can take care of myself and I can write a share to fellow 12 steppers who know there are solutions. I am laughing as two words with the melody come as automatic thoughts. �Welcome back.� It was Good 4 me to write� Thank you again.

Casey, I wish you happiness, joy, and freedom�

Sincerely,
ibeme

ibme,

Thanks so much for your share. No matter where we are in recovery it is always good to hear someone's story. I was rather "struck" by the word "stuck". It just so happens that will be the subject of my article to be posted this Friday. It actually reminded me that we all feel the same things, maybe just at different times. Blessings and thanks again for posting.

Kathy L.

Please Help - You are not crazy. Alcoholism is a family disease. I lived with it for many years and am myself an alcoholic. I'm a raging codependent for sure, and if anything will put me back in my disease, it my codependent traits. I can't control anyone else - actually, I can't control hardly anything. No one can make the tough decisions you must make for you, but you sound like you're losing yourself. So, you need some help for you. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon. That might help you a lot. Your hubby probably won't be very happy about your going. But it's not about him - it's about you getting better whether he chooses to or not. I hope this helps. I know how much you are hurting. Margaret a