He said, "you realize that those people aren't a random selection of the population, right? I guess most people who don't want kids are like your friends, you guys all just have had the bad experiences. Generally, people don't seek out support groups unless they have a problem."
I don't think of it as a support group, more a group of like-minded individuals. Similarly, I used to post on a student forum, not because I needed support with being a student, but because I had something in common with others in a similar position. I don't see how seeking out others to share your views and concerns is a sign of a problem...
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Wait, so the fact that I go out drinking wine with my friends who drink wine means we've had "bad experiences" with wine?? His statement makes no sense at all.
People gather together to discuss a common interest because THEY HAVE A COMMON INTEREST. I belong to birding groups to talk about birding. I belong to literature groups to talk about literature. We share an interest and enjoy talking about it and gaining ideas!!
I have a low carb forum. It's not that we've had "bad experiences"!! We *like* eating low carb food and want to share ideas and recipes. So yes it's a 'support group' because we are all sharing our interest. He is making it sound like that is bizarre or unusual!!
Doesn't he have a dart team where they go and talk about darts, or a softball league where they go and talk about softball or *any* interest like that?
I will have to disagree with your husband Ingilbert.
I haven't had only bad experiences, I have both good and bad, and weighed them equally. Choices depend on your background, upbringing, education and circumstances. I love children. My nephews and nieces are by far my favourite people in the world. Don't ask me to change a dirty diaper though. I like kids, I just don't like babies.
You might want to tell your DH that the section of the population that chooses not to procreate consciously tend to have a much higher rate of intelligence than the general population. They tend to put a lot of thought into life-changing decisions.
Some are early articulators that know that children are not for them. There is also the segment that stalled child-bearing for pursuits such as education and career advancement. Once you've become accustomed to an independent and joyful lifestyle, who wants to f*ck with that?
And he needs to rethink his idea of support. A "support" group can just be a safe venue where like-minded individual can freely express their views with fear of being judged. He might need to investigate a support group for himself since he feel s that the only way one's life can be fulfilling is by spawning. Oh, I'm sorry, that's pretty much all the sheeple! Hence our need for a support group!
I'm sorry to hear this Ingilbert. That does sound condescending. He's looking at CF as something that's a negative, that's why he's assuming we've all had bad experiences. But choosing NOT to have kids is NOT a bad thing. If you don't choose one thing (to have kids) you choose to do something else with your time that is meaningful. What could possibly be wrong with that? And what could be wrong with following your passions? Having kids isn't your passion, and you would have to give up most of what you love to have kids. How is that a good thing? I would argue that HAVING kids is much more of a negative. But it's all perception.
I have seen good and bad kids, and love my nephew, as you all know, but I don't want a kid of my own. Even if someone told me my child would be an angel, I don't want one! I want my life, and the things that speak to me.
Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this Ingilbert. Sometimes we do need 'support' not because being child-free is negative (it is my choice and it is the right one for me) but because it can be a hard choice to explain to others...like what you are going through right now. I've been there (not married, but long-term relationships).
The therapy sounds like a good idea. If he is willing to go than that is a really good sign...at least he wants to try and work it out. Is he clearly saying he wants children, or is he just arguing with you for the sake of arguing? Does he want it/them now or would he wait? Is adoption an option for either of you?
There could be alot to discuss...more productive than his making fun of your 'support group.'
lngilbert, that sucks that he said that to you. Maybe point him in the direction of truemomconfessions, then he can see that we're not this weird group of people, but we've actually thought through a life changing decision much more than the people who just go ahead and randomly breed.
I have to say though, you are a lot nicer than I would be in that situation. If my husband ever said something like that he would know, in very certain terms, that it was not acceptable to dismiss me out of hand in that way nor to say something about people that he's never met.
I'm sorry too. It sounds like some counseling is definitely in order. He needs to accept that this is how you feel, and if he doesn't like it, he'll need to figure out what to do about it. Waiting around for you to change your mind, and being dismissive of your wants, is not cool!
I also wanted to suggest showing him that long thread in the Mom's section of Bellaonline: "I hate being a mom."
On that though, could you arrange something with your sister, so that your husband has to take care of her two children all by himself for a day or two? As in, you two plan a weekend away where nobody but him is available to look after the children? That way he could see for himself that his life would change and it would give him some concrete child-rearing experience.
I tried this with my husband on a much smaller scale, think 40 minutes with a 4 year old and he was pulling what's left of his hair out. He couldn't believe how much longer things took and how difficult simple things were to do. With men I sometimes think that they really just don't have a clue because they've never been exposed to it.