BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think my husband is mentally ill

He swears that the "my time" thing would change. I don't believe him for a second.

We had a talk last night and he again reassured me that he prefers me over some currently non-existent child.

He then reiterated that you shouldn't talk in absolutes, because things can always change.

I said, "so when you say that you'll ALWAYS love and you'll NEVER divorce me, that's an exception to the 'no absolutes' rule?"

He didn't have a response to that.

He changed the subject by saying that he thinks I should go back to therapy, not because of the whole CF thing, but because I haven't been happy for a while, which I agree with.

No, that's not true. I'm very happy when I'm at work. I'm not happy with myself, and I'm not happy with how I perceive certain things he says to me. I've always felt like he is a know-it-all, and it's bothering me more and more lately. I think it bothers me because I say to him, "hey, talking like that bothers me," he says he'll stop, and then the next day he does it.

Like ... I'll be telling him a story I heard on the news, and he'll interrupt and say that he ALREADY heard that and will proceed to finish my story for me. It's like I never know anything.

He's always been this way, his whole family is this way, and lately it's really getting under my skin. THAT is why I get [censored] off so easily with him these days. Not that I'm depressed, but that I am so agitated by him lately.

But I love him more than anything, I am very happy with him (most of the time) and couldn't imagine life without him. So it's not like I don't love him, he's just irritating the hell out of me!!!

Oh, he also suggested couples counseling, which I think would be MUCH more constructive than me going in for whatever alone!

Couples counseling might be a great help. I don't know if it's always been there, or it's something that has developed over time, but it seems to me you two are suffering from a major communications barrier. I may be biased (in fact, I probably am), but it sounds like it's mostly on his end. he's hearing what he wants to hear, and not really listening. I think his upbringing plays a large part in this, too. What you say about his words and action implies a "King of the Castle" mentality. That makes for a very poor listener to any voice not his own. Like he's gradually developing into the man he saw his father being when he was young. I suggest taking him up on the offer and doing so quickly. A communications problem can erode a marriage with amazing speed.

I hope I'm not being too presumptive with these comments, and I don't want you to think I think ill of him, but what you've told us about his early home life combined with this recent information worries me. He may not intend to act like the "King of the Castle whose voice is the only one worth hearing." He may even abhor the idea. That doesn't mean it isn't happening. Nip it in the bud. Get a counselor that will help you prevent this little annoyance from becoming a major problem.

Myra - I agree with you. I know I'm not perfect, I know I tend to overreact, but I know there are times when HE is in the wrong! I know he doesn't listen to me.

And you know else he said last night? He said, "going into marriage I didn't know what I wanted regarding children, and I didn't know what you wanted, either." HELLO?!?

Yes, maybe I was only 98% crystal clear with him on the kids issue, but HOW many times has he told me that he KNEW going into marriage that I did NOT want kids? Um, how about EVERY time we have this discussion?

I think he's now just remembering whatever the heck he wants to remember.

Hence the mental illness theory.

Ick, I detest "selective memory" people. :P Or at least that aspect of them, it's maddening to KNOW you've done something (or didn't!) and for them to say the exact opposite or claim something way off base because they were never really paying attention in the first place.

Couples therapy sounds good. I sure do wish you guys the best.

I definitely agree with the couples therapy idea. Sometimes it really helps to have a third person looking at things and offer ideas "objectively". Even if you said the same thing, people listen more when it comes from someone else.

Ingilbert- I think it's a big positive that your husband actually suggested couples therapy, instead of just blaming you entirely. I would be annoyed as all hell at him for some of the things he said (I think possibly my head would explode), but since he suggested therapy, that's a pretty good thing.

I just hope you can find a therapist that understands your CF decision.

Great idea! It will be so productive to be able to really express yourselves in a neutral situation and work through everything. Let us know how it goes if you decide to do it!

Also, I think my husband dissed us all last night.

I mentioned this forum and the support I get here, and he said, "you have a lot of friends on that forum, don't you?"

I said yes.

He said, "you realize that those people aren't a random selection of the population, right? I guess most people who don't want kids are like your friends, you guys all just have had the bad experiences. Generally, people don't seek out support groups unless they have a problem."

First, I was a bit offended at that. But then I replied, "um, that's why it's a support group. Because we need support from other people who feel the same way."

I realize I'm kind of setting DH up as an [censored] here, but he's generally not an [censored]. He's just clueless. He honestly has no idea that what he says can be hurtful, egotistical, etc. He doesn't say it to BE an [censored], maybe that's how I should clarify it.

And I'm certainly not an innocent, blameless angel. I just don't pretend that I am.

Oh, grr.

I did call my doctor for a referral, and her office gave me a number I had to call, and I had to leave a message for this person to call me back (I guess I have to get the referral from HER.) Whatever. HMOs suck.

I'm not a violent person. Really, I'm not.

If I were in the room with him, he would be flat on the floor with a boot up his @$$.

Plus I'd stomp on his face a few times for good measure.

Being insulting to your wife and her network of friends/support ... is not permissible. Not at all.

Clueless or not, he is an @$$hole.