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So here is my story. Will be turning 29, he's 30, no kids, got the mortgage, career, the whole nine yards. I think I put my husband on a pedestal and he fell. Been together for 6 years, married for 3. I am a professional singer, hoping to make a career out of this with my band. This summer I toured alot and was very much distant from my husband when I cam home. I kept telling him the tour would end at the end of summer and I would be home. That is what happened.

Well, things weren't perfect between us and come to find out he met a woman on November 11. It snowballed from there. The affair ended on December 14. She contacted me via myspace posing as someone else to tell me about it. I about died! Not MY Brandon! My phone bill had been riddled with her number and her text messages. Sickening. To make a long story short, I went to her house to confront her only after she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and leaving a voicemail threatening to beat her up (bad idea). She pressed charges and now I have an impending court date coming up. I have created a false myspace account (two can play that game, right?) and what first started as a way to mess with her, has grown into learning about the things my husband said and did to her and figuring out how to digest it all.

It takes two to tango, however, she could have backed away when she found out he was still married, (whether or not he lied to her about going through a divorce or not. He says he never said that she is telling my fake person he did). He kissed her twice and that is all he says happened (should I believe him?) It had only been a months time and my husband is not a wholehearted jerk. I keep reading in her emails to my fake myspace person that all he did was lie to her. That is my husband. I already knew that and have been trying to help him trust me for whatever reason he can't. He says he doesn't know why he lies so much, and is asking God to help him. I have started to use specific prayer for him.

Well needless to say what is really messed up is the week before Thanksgiving, he says he wants a divorce. THAT HAS NEVER COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH BEFORE. I was shocked! I begged him to stay. And seriously ya'all, the very next day I got my act together and reconnected with God and started praying again. The day before this woman emailed me through her fake myspace account, my husband tried to break it off. I have proof of this. He had been trying to break it off for at least a week or so. He claims that he actually realized what he wanted, me. I just wish he could have been honest (again with the lying) with me instead of hiding this. He really had no intention of telling me what had happened. After trying to get him busted with me, she then went as so far as to also contact my job and my boss to tell them that I had been arrested and was charged with threatening her and went as so far as to go to her house and try to carry out my threat. The "person" wanted to know "if that is who they wanted working with children". (I'm a teacher). Can you believe her?

So right now, my husband has found God even more and has been praying, loving me, and things feel like they should have been in the first place and what I have been wanting out of him is happening (slowly) for so long. I am having a hard time dealing with this though. I am so resentful. My best friend said that if I don't figure out a way to deal, maybe 3 months down the road when maybe I am ready to be okay, he may just be like "You treated me like [censored] after all this. You showed no forgiveness. I am out! Yesterday, my husband deleted an email she sent to the fake account (I didn't care if he knew the password or not, cuz I have nothing to hide) because it revealed alot and he went so far as to call me and say he felt convicted and concerned about the things she was telling me. (That's because she was ratting him out in the email). All it said was how bad of a picture he painted of me, how all he did was lie to her, and that she really wish she could apologize to me. I so badly want that. But, I can't do anything in regard to contacting her because of the court date (under advisement from my lawyer). But she could do whatever she wants. I am using this fake myspace to build confidence that she could trust me that I wouldn't hurt he if she tried to talk to me. (We all go to the same church and I told our pastor about everything, really shamed her. He has agreed to set up a meeting maybe at a later date.) My husband has no problem with a meeting, but isn't he scared? I dunno. I just don't wanna look stupid for staying. I have already been married before and my first husband cheated on me and was a whole lot more hateful. Brandon has not been hateful. It is just so hard to look at him and know that he willing lied to yet another person, got her to fall in love with him, bailed on her for me, and he wonders why she stalked him a few times when he told her to go away. I'd be really hurt to. I just don't know how to get over the pain. And what if he does this again? Please help. I apologize for my rambling on and on.

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My view is that there are about three real reasons to divorce, they are abuse, adultery and addiction.

I cannot tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you this, work through everything you need to whether you stay or go, work on YOU and everything else will work out.

Go to marital counseling, go to individual counseling. There is more to an affair than just him cheating. Not to say it's your fault, but there is definitely something in you that is choosing to be with cheaters, figure that out.

If you need anything post here, people are here to help. Even though right now everyone is acting shy, and just viewing and not posting...... (come on ya'll she needs support!)


Stephanie Watson
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I was married to a man who was a police officer. I placed him upon a pedestal also. When I discovered that he was having an affair I begged him to stay in the marriage (we have 3 kids) but he was relieved that I had found out and wanted a divorce. We lived in a small town and I was the town newspaper reporter. Everyone knew our busines and because we lived in a small community ppl I didnt even associate with would come and tell me things that they knew, including names of other women that my ex had been with.

I dont know what size of town u live in, but if u are all attending the same church then that is much too close for comfort. Communicationg with this woman is wrong in my opinion. It has already caused you problems. The problem lies with your husband. Based upon things you have mentioned and what you have said about wondering if you can trust your husband I doubt that you will. If he is willing to go to counseling then maybe there is a chance. Stop communicating with her.You are only adding to the drama. This will eat u alive. I didnt know the woman my husband was cheating with (they are married now). I have moved far away from there and I dont have anything to do with him, unless he contacts me for an issue with the kids.


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what of the woman wants to apologize as well. this church doesn't want either of us to harbor ill will. i think this will allow closure to my ordeal. we are both christians, and she has claimed to be repentive, and wants to say she is sorry, as in the bible we are supposed to do. i need to forgive her, and i just want my day with her and let her say her peace as well as me say mine. what do you think?

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any suggestion as to why i pick cheaters? he really is a great and warm guy, but after this i am beginning to think he may not be for me. ????

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Sometimes we pick cheaters (I did that too in the past) because we settle for whomever comes along and we don't pay attention to the signs that are there before marriage.

One of my exes little made a waitress blush he was flirting with her so hard the DAY of our court house wedding. I should have realized it then, but I put it aside. I thought I was lucky to get him and should put jealousy aside.

Now I realize that HE was lucky to have me, and I needed to work on me, figure out what I wanted out of life outside of a man, before I committed to anyone. It took six years! I went back to college, graduated (in 2005), and in 2006 I started dating him. We met in church and he is exactly the man I should have always been with.

But I could never have been open to dating him had I not worked on my own issues first.

For what it is worth, I definitely believe in forgiveness. I get along with all my exes and their wives. We have children together so we must. I don't think you have to socialize with them or go to the same church though, but you have to figure out what you're comfortable with and go with it.

Nothing out there says we have to live in bitterness and hate forever. In fact, it is so much healthier if we don't.

smile


Stephanie Watson
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i wouldn't consider brandon a 'cheater'. he really isn;t. he doesn't do any of those things you mentioned your ex did in your response. we met with people from the church again and we know it is a sin problem in our marriage. he lies. that is where the trust is gone. i don't have the problem with the cheating (he kissed her and lead her on and when he tried to get her to go away she freaked, ratted him out) he just DIDN'T tell me about it. Go figure. . .he needs to work on that before I can figure out what i am going to do. he is so repentive and sincere. i just don't want to be lied to anymore, ya know? if he could trust me, then maybe we will have a chance.

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There is nothing wrong with forgiving him for what he did. Truth be known in a long term marriage, things are going to happen. We are all, after all, human.


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i just don't know how to truly get over it. i keep praying, but when i look at him, i see his lips touching hers. it sucks. but i still love him. if he were being a jerk and totally opposite of how is currently acting, maybe it would be easier to leave and let go. i dunno. i cry everyday.

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Personally, I think that you need some time away from these ppl to think about what you want. You mentioned a music career. Perhaps you should focus upon that.


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I hate to tell you this but many cheaters, and I know you don't want to say he is a cheater, but in my eyes kissing someone else is cheating... many cheaters seem and act sorry and many ARE sorry, doesn't mean they won't do it again, and again, and again.

I'm sorry you cry every day. You definitely probably need to go to some couples counseling, you can get past this if both of you are serious about getting past it. It will take a lot of work and time. More than a few months, maybe years.

My best to you.


Stephanie Watson
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Well here is an update. He slept with her. Four times, but its over. She is gone, and I still love him. Hopefully we can work through this and this can be a testament for down the road. And as for meeting her now? NO WAY. I don't associate with whores.

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Do you blame your husband at all for what he did? I think it's great to work out your marriage, but I'm curious about how much blame you place on your husband. with cheating, you have to realize if it wasn't that girl, it would be another. There are plenty of women out there with low self esteem, who can be used as toys by men willing to use them. And ultimately each adult is responsible for his or her own actions. No one can make a person cheat, or do anything they don't want to do.

There is a good book called Divorce Busting that might help you, look it up on amazon.com or google search. I do believe everyone should work on their marriage, trying to save it, until the very last possible moment of survival because then you know you did all that you can.

I wish you the very best.


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Okay...he slept with her for four times. How many times has he lied to you? Why are you putting up with this person's behavior?


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He has lied his whole life. He admits it. He is getting help (I suppose). I am not living with him at the moment but want nothing more than to come home and try to fix this. I keep seeing his and her face together and it hurts so bad. Next Monday I will be forced to be in a courtroom answering to a judge as to why I called and left her a voicemail saying I would beat her up. Can you believe that? She has sex with my husband and I have to go to court? She wants to make my life hell because he didn't want her. We are working with our church (never done that before) and he promises that it won't happen again. I can't help that I love him. I am usually a strong enough person that I would run from this. I quit running. I want to keep trying.

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You cant fix another person. You said that he has lied his whole life. You suppose that he is getting help? I would ask him how, when and where. He has major problems. You are angry with the wrong person. You should be mad as hell at your husband for bringing this other woman into your lives. You should be running away. And definatly find another church. I hope that your pastor will be in court with you.


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also...in some states Adultery is still on the books. Get yourself an attorney.


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yes, the truth is that you can't fix another person. You can't make them change. They have to fix their behavior or want to fix it themselves. And yes, don't be as angry with her, it is him who brought her into the mix and caused the rift.

I should know. Ten years ago, I got involved with a married man (BIG MISTAKE). Not only did he cheat on his wife with me, but he also cheated on me with other women. I left him and never told him I knew about the others.
His wife found out about me and the others and still stayed with him. My best girl friend is his cousin and she informed me that to this day, he is still having affairs and his wife is still with him. Don't make that mistake.
Please for your own sanity. Words are nothing, actions speak.
He can say whatever he wants to you, but it means nothing unless he backs it up with real genuine actions to change but don't do it for him.

Make him earn your love if that's what you desire. You deserve no less in this life.

Signed. A woman who learned about this situation the hard way....

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Oh and P.S. I never felt badly toward his wife. In the end, I felt real pity and concern for her because I knew how much of an [censored] I was for getting involved with him, but I felt bad knowing that he was treating her the same way and the fact that she still deals with that. No way. I couldn't have done it.

I still wish to this day she would wisen up and kick him to the curb where he deserves to be at.

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She is a whore.. your husband is a whore.

Is she married? if not I would say that more blame should lie with your husband, as at least she isn't cheating one someone.

Feel more than free to ignore my comments.. however I have seen women take their partners back and be doormats for years as they are so worried about being on their own.

Now, I'm not calling you a doormat - I don't know you, nor do I wish to cause offence.. however if you want to keep your partner and keep him faithful I would suggest you making damn sure you are in control of the relationship.

You need to make sure he is sorry, actions speak louder than words so if he is getting help that is a good thing - however, you need to make sure he isn't calling any of the shots. He has a lot of hurt to make up and he needs to appreciate that trust can take a lot of time to rebuild...

If your husband says he wants a divorce again... tell him to go ahead, you'll see him in court - don't let him manipulate you into being the one in the wrong... HE needs to work at the marriage as well as you...

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Wow. Thank you for all the advice. The court date came and went. All charges were dropped. When everything was over I said my piece to the woman in court stating, "I am very sorry if my actions scared you. I am still trying to understand and deal with the situation between you and my husband. This will NOT break me. Someday soon I will be able to forgive you as I can only hope you will forgive me." I then started to exit the courtroom and she stood up in front of me and we locked eyes. She then put her head down and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Then walked into that courtroom just a smiling and having a ball, but she left (at least to me) geniuely saddened by everything. She didn't have to apologize to me. But she did. I am done with her now. As for my husband, last night for Valentine's Day, he comes home, I have the living decorated with tons of flowers (I bought for myself), two cards for him and a gift. Didn't think I would do that. But AMC had the movie "Return to Me" on and it really softened my heart a bit. So I was getting ready for dinner in the bathroom and I went into the kitchen to see what he was doing and (he didn't notice me), he was balling his eyes out. When I walked in, he collapsed in my arms and cried even harder saying, "here I do all this horrible [censored] to you and you did all this and I stopped at Walmart just before I got home. I am such a horrible husband." He kept repeating that over and over. I felt bad, but also happy to see him hurt so bad. BUT WHEN DOES ALL THIS STOP? How are we ever going to heal (since this in both what he want) if we can't stop crying? Look people, I am not the easiest person to love here. I have taken a knife to him for his lying three times in our 7 year relationship. I am NOT perfect nor am I trying to excuse his or mine behavior. I honestly want to believe he will change. I went home the night before last. NOT for him, but to be in my home. I can't say that it is easy, at all. He went and got tested for AIDS and STD's last night. I don't know if I could ever have sex with him. Someone stated I should control the relationship now. I always have, and that is what landed me here. He was the doormat. He did whatever I asked or said (and lied) as to not upset me. THAT has to change. He needs a backbone. Which is one of the reasons he did what he did. I had it coming. Neither one of us were very respectful of the other. I am learning how. I have control over the things I need to have control over (for now at least), i.e., the phone bill (to see if he has called her, we changed his number). He and her were finished the week he broke it off with her. He REALLY did break it off with her and that is why we are in this big mess. She contacted me covertly through myself and ratted him out. But I know through sources, she doesn't want him. I deleted the fake myspace account that I had created to get info from her about what happened. I got all I needed and here I was being deceitful as well. I hope and pray I can get the image of the two of them having sex. I have bad dreams and serious nightmares now. My good friends keep telling me, "He is changing, making himself the husband you want, deserve and need. Are you going to just let him fix himself and let another woman come in and reap the benefits of this horrible situation if you leave him?" They also said, ALL things work together for good. So, with that, something horrible has happened and maybe it was just the wake up call for BOTH of us to learn from. I just WISH that he hadn't slept with her. That sucks. That image has not gone away.

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You are saying that you had it coming for your husband to cheat on you? People can change certain things about themselves but I dont think that they can change their core values, including their morals. I believe that he is trying to manipulate you with this crying scene. Personally this man owes YOU and he should be kissing your ***. Why are you listening to your friends? They arent the ones who have the bad nightmares and images in their heads. When does it stop? I dont think it will for you..especially with this "controlling the relationship." Why should anyone have to control a marriage? Monitering his phone records to see if he is on the up and up shows a lack of trust..which he has already ruined for you. Is this really how you want to live?


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HI,
It seems to me that you invest most of your time into what he is doing & not doing. You both seem to need help. You are very lucky that the charges were dropped. You can't go around threatening people. Every state is different & some are more harsh about stuff like that. You also mentioned that you took knifes to him a few times. That is messed up. If you have to control a marriage & do all of that crazy stuff it is not worth it.

You also seem to keep blaming the other woman for all of it. She was wrong to mess with him, but you have a 1 track mind about it. You said that you wished he did not have sex with her but he did. No one can change that. He might do it again with someone else. Do you have a bad temper? Because it will get you in jail if you can't control yourself. No man is worth that. Also, don't be surprised if he messes around with this woman again.

Also, I agree with the above post that it will not stop for you. There are alot of problems & constant drama going on in your life. Your temper will get you in trouble. i would be very angry too. But you are blaming this other woman & then you said you had it coming. When you get to such a point that you are leaving messages & threatening people, also taking knifes on anyone, it it time for you to get help. 1 day you might not really mean to or want to but you can hurt someone. Then you will really have some problems. No man is worth fighting with another woman after he cheated on you. Judy K. Chicago

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Again, thanks for the advice. I must tell you I came home last Wednesday and it was needed. I have put my trust in God and actually He has helped me through this whole weekend. I am no longer trying to control the relationship. I am letting God do all the work. These "people" we have talked to are from our church and I couldn't be more grateful for them getting into the thick of things and helping us draw closer to God. THAT is the problem. I hope someone out there can relate. I want to control my anger, GOD will help me. Both my husband and I during this time apart have been getting ourselves more into the word and working on ourselves. That in turn will help our marriage. Nothing else, I can assure you of that. Once it is given up to God, you let Him control it. God has to be the center of our marriage to work. I truly believe this. Please wish us well as we take this journey. . . .

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I do wish you well but God would not want for you to have to put up with what you have gone through nor have to re-live it over and over and over again through bad dreams and images.


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God doesn't make me relive it over and over, it is satan that does that. I simply pray for God to take the pain and hurt away. It really works. I have put my faith and trust in him and am doing quite well. God hates divorce, that is NOT an option, however, we will work through this and since I cannot control what my husband does, should he mess up again and cheat, my Lord will sustain me enough to give me peace that I tried. After reading all these responses and what I have said, I have definetly been on a journey here! Last night, I was able to drive past the exit that "she" was at and could have easily done something to be destructive to her vehicle. Vengence is mine, say the Lord.

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God does not agree with divorce, but he is also merciful and gracious. I did divorce my first husband, because the marrage was beyond all hope. My husband did not love me and hated my faith. But God allowed me to divorce.

In fact, the situation was so gracious that without anything to do with me my ex was served the divorce papers actually on our wedding anniversary! I felt God may have not liked the situation, but he did not condemn me, in fact he had not agreed with my choice!I do not say this lightly, belive me, I paid a lot of pain and betrayal because of my wrong choice, God knew that and he allowed me to be released from what I could not handle and could never mend. I now have a husband who does love me. We all make mistakes but God is good and though he is not mocked, he is so much more gracious than we ever give him credit for.


Nicola Jane Soen

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I still think that you are angry with the wrong person. Your husband broke a vow.


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Verynicebecky,
I never said I wasn't angry. Of course I'm angry. Angry with my husband, angry with the woman. My husband did break a vow, but who am I to condem him? I could never cast the first stone. Who am I? Blameless? Hardly! I made a commitment to stand beside my husband. I now intend to do that. We have finally found an awesome church and he is making Godly friendships. I see the changes going on in him. If he is faking, he should receive an academy award. Is it really hard for people to believe someone can change? I suppose so, I used to be one of those people, then something almost beyond forgiveable happened to me.

To Nicola Jane,
There is a lot of hope in my marriage. The ball is in my court. My husband does love me and has really gotten to know Christ more than I could ever ask. That is what needed to happen in order for us to continue. Our marriage was built on sinking sand, not the rock of Christ Jesus like it needed to be. I testify that Jesus is performing a miracle and without sounding like a holy roller, I believe. In my heart I know that it is not for show, but if it were, God will have that revealed, but if I don't take the risk I will never know. I am not a quitter. Call me crazy, but I think I am brave. Wish me luck!

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I brought up the issue of anger because you brought it up. Had it been your husband at the exit would the thought of damaging his car cross your mind? Why did you mention that anyway?

Btw, I was married to a minister. Worst 4 years of my life.


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I do wish you blessing with all my heart, you also have my prayers. I am so glad you have hope. And I hope too, that God will show you that your forgiveness and faithfulness are well rewarded. And I do understand about taking the risk, may God bless you for doing just that. smile


Nicola Jane Soen

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I'm sorry! The "other" woman was at a public place where I knew she would be and I was driving on the interstate and kept going past the exit. I would never intentionally hurt my husband. I only mentioned it because I am still angry with both her and him and because I don't love her or have any stock in her, it would be easy to do something to hurt her, but I can't and I won't. I need to be the better person. It is not my place to be the punisher even though I may think she deserves it.

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