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Joined: Jan 2008
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So here is my story. Will be turning 29, he's 30, no kids, got the mortgage, career, the whole nine yards. I think I put my husband on a pedestal and he fell. Been together for 6 years, married for 3. I am a professional singer, hoping to make a career out of this with my band. This summer I toured alot and was very much distant from my husband when I cam home. I kept telling him the tour would end at the end of summer and I would be home. That is what happened.

Well, things weren't perfect between us and come to find out he met a woman on November 11. It snowballed from there. The affair ended on December 14. She contacted me via myspace posing as someone else to tell me about it. I about died! Not MY Brandon! My phone bill had been riddled with her number and her text messages. Sickening. To make a long story short, I went to her house to confront her only after she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and leaving a voicemail threatening to beat her up (bad idea). She pressed charges and now I have an impending court date coming up. I have created a false myspace account (two can play that game, right?) and what first started as a way to mess with her, has grown into learning about the things my husband said and did to her and figuring out how to digest it all.

It takes two to tango, however, she could have backed away when she found out he was still married, (whether or not he lied to her about going through a divorce or not. He says he never said that she is telling my fake person he did). He kissed her twice and that is all he says happened (should I believe him?) It had only been a months time and my husband is not a wholehearted jerk. I keep reading in her emails to my fake myspace person that all he did was lie to her. That is my husband. I already knew that and have been trying to help him trust me for whatever reason he can't. He says he doesn't know why he lies so much, and is asking God to help him. I have started to use specific prayer for him.

Well needless to say what is really messed up is the week before Thanksgiving, he says he wants a divorce. THAT HAS NEVER COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH BEFORE. I was shocked! I begged him to stay. And seriously ya'all, the very next day I got my act together and reconnected with God and started praying again. The day before this woman emailed me through her fake myspace account, my husband tried to break it off. I have proof of this. He had been trying to break it off for at least a week or so. He claims that he actually realized what he wanted, me. I just wish he could have been honest (again with the lying) with me instead of hiding this. He really had no intention of telling me what had happened. After trying to get him busted with me, she then went as so far as to also contact my job and my boss to tell them that I had been arrested and was charged with threatening her and went as so far as to go to her house and try to carry out my threat. The "person" wanted to know "if that is who they wanted working with children". (I'm a teacher). Can you believe her?

So right now, my husband has found God even more and has been praying, loving me, and things feel like they should have been in the first place and what I have been wanting out of him is happening (slowly) for so long. I am having a hard time dealing with this though. I am so resentful. My best friend said that if I don't figure out a way to deal, maybe 3 months down the road when maybe I am ready to be okay, he may just be like "You treated me like [censored] after all this. You showed no forgiveness. I am out! Yesterday, my husband deleted an email she sent to the fake account (I didn't care if he knew the password or not, cuz I have nothing to hide) because it revealed alot and he went so far as to call me and say he felt convicted and concerned about the things she was telling me. (That's because she was ratting him out in the email). All it said was how bad of a picture he painted of me, how all he did was lie to her, and that she really wish she could apologize to me. I so badly want that. But, I can't do anything in regard to contacting her because of the court date (under advisement from my lawyer). But she could do whatever she wants. I am using this fake myspace to build confidence that she could trust me that I wouldn't hurt he if she tried to talk to me. (We all go to the same church and I told our pastor about everything, really shamed her. He has agreed to set up a meeting maybe at a later date.) My husband has no problem with a meeting, but isn't he scared? I dunno. I just don't wanna look stupid for staying. I have already been married before and my first husband cheated on me and was a whole lot more hateful. Brandon has not been hateful. It is just so hard to look at him and know that he willing lied to yet another person, got her to fall in love with him, bailed on her for me, and he wonders why she stalked him a few times when he told her to go away. I'd be really hurt to. I just don't know how to get over the pain. And what if he does this again? Please help. I apologize for my rambling on and on.

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Joined: Jan 2008
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Parakeet
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My view is that there are about three real reasons to divorce, they are abuse, adultery and addiction.

I cannot tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you this, work through everything you need to whether you stay or go, work on YOU and everything else will work out.

Go to marital counseling, go to individual counseling. There is more to an affair than just him cheating. Not to say it's your fault, but there is definitely something in you that is choosing to be with cheaters, figure that out.

If you need anything post here, people are here to help. Even though right now everyone is acting shy, and just viewing and not posting...... (come on ya'll she needs support!)


Stephanie Watson
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Amoeba
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I was married to a man who was a police officer. I placed him upon a pedestal also. When I discovered that he was having an affair I begged him to stay in the marriage (we have 3 kids) but he was relieved that I had found out and wanted a divorce. We lived in a small town and I was the town newspaper reporter. Everyone knew our busines and because we lived in a small community ppl I didnt even associate with would come and tell me things that they knew, including names of other women that my ex had been with.

I dont know what size of town u live in, but if u are all attending the same church then that is much too close for comfort. Communicationg with this woman is wrong in my opinion. It has already caused you problems. The problem lies with your husband. Based upon things you have mentioned and what you have said about wondering if you can trust your husband I doubt that you will. If he is willing to go to counseling then maybe there is a chance. Stop communicating with her.You are only adding to the drama. This will eat u alive. I didnt know the woman my husband was cheating with (they are married now). I have moved far away from there and I dont have anything to do with him, unless he contacts me for an issue with the kids.


Freedom isn't free.
Joined: Jan 2008
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what of the woman wants to apologize as well. this church doesn't want either of us to harbor ill will. i think this will allow closure to my ordeal. we are both christians, and she has claimed to be repentive, and wants to say she is sorry, as in the bible we are supposed to do. i need to forgive her, and i just want my day with her and let her say her peace as well as me say mine. what do you think?

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any suggestion as to why i pick cheaters? he really is a great and warm guy, but after this i am beginning to think he may not be for me. ????

Joined: Jan 2008
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Parakeet
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Sometimes we pick cheaters (I did that too in the past) because we settle for whomever comes along and we don't pay attention to the signs that are there before marriage.

One of my exes little made a waitress blush he was flirting with her so hard the DAY of our court house wedding. I should have realized it then, but I put it aside. I thought I was lucky to get him and should put jealousy aside.

Now I realize that HE was lucky to have me, and I needed to work on me, figure out what I wanted out of life outside of a man, before I committed to anyone. It took six years! I went back to college, graduated (in 2005), and in 2006 I started dating him. We met in church and he is exactly the man I should have always been with.

But I could never have been open to dating him had I not worked on my own issues first.

For what it is worth, I definitely believe in forgiveness. I get along with all my exes and their wives. We have children together so we must. I don't think you have to socialize with them or go to the same church though, but you have to figure out what you're comfortable with and go with it.

Nothing out there says we have to live in bitterness and hate forever. In fact, it is so much healthier if we don't.

smile


Stephanie Watson
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i wouldn't consider brandon a 'cheater'. he really isn;t. he doesn't do any of those things you mentioned your ex did in your response. we met with people from the church again and we know it is a sin problem in our marriage. he lies. that is where the trust is gone. i don't have the problem with the cheating (he kissed her and lead her on and when he tried to get her to go away she freaked, ratted him out) he just DIDN'T tell me about it. Go figure. . .he needs to work on that before I can figure out what i am going to do. he is so repentive and sincere. i just don't want to be lied to anymore, ya know? if he could trust me, then maybe we will have a chance.

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Parakeet
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There is nothing wrong with forgiving him for what he did. Truth be known in a long term marriage, things are going to happen. We are all, after all, human.


Stephanie Watson
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i just don't know how to truly get over it. i keep praying, but when i look at him, i see his lips touching hers. it sucks. but i still love him. if he were being a jerk and totally opposite of how is currently acting, maybe it would be easier to leave and let go. i dunno. i cry everyday.

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Amoeba
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Personally, I think that you need some time away from these ppl to think about what you want. You mentioned a music career. Perhaps you should focus upon that.


Freedom isn't free.
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