BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Should I stay or should I go?

Wow. Thank you for all the advice. The court date came and went. All charges were dropped. When everything was over I said my piece to the woman in court stating, "I am very sorry if my actions scared you. I am still trying to understand and deal with the situation between you and my husband. This will NOT break me. Someday soon I will be able to forgive you as I can only hope you will forgive me." I then started to exit the courtroom and she stood up in front of me and we locked eyes. She then put her head down and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Then walked into that courtroom just a smiling and having a ball, but she left (at least to me) geniuely saddened by everything. She didn't have to apologize to me. But she did. I am done with her now. As for my husband, last night for Valentine's Day, he comes home, I have the living decorated with tons of flowers (I bought for myself), two cards for him and a gift. Didn't think I would do that. But AMC had the movie "Return to Me" on and it really softened my heart a bit. So I was getting ready for dinner in the bathroom and I went into the kitchen to see what he was doing and (he didn't notice me), he was balling his eyes out. When I walked in, he collapsed in my arms and cried even harder saying, "here I do all this horrible [censored] to you and you did all this and I stopped at Walmart just before I got home. I am such a horrible husband." He kept repeating that over and over. I felt bad, but also happy to see him hurt so bad. BUT WHEN DOES ALL THIS STOP? How are we ever going to heal (since this in both what he want) if we can't stop crying? Look people, I am not the easiest person to love here. I have taken a knife to him for his lying three times in our 7 year relationship. I am NOT perfect nor am I trying to excuse his or mine behavior. I honestly want to believe he will change. I went home the night before last. NOT for him, but to be in my home. I can't say that it is easy, at all. He went and got tested for AIDS and STD's last night. I don't know if I could ever have sex with him. Someone stated I should control the relationship now. I always have, and that is what landed me here. He was the doormat. He did whatever I asked or said (and lied) as to not upset me. THAT has to change. He needs a backbone. Which is one of the reasons he did what he did. I had it coming. Neither one of us were very respectful of the other. I am learning how. I have control over the things I need to have control over (for now at least), i.e., the phone bill (to see if he has called her, we changed his number). He and her were finished the week he broke it off with her. He REALLY did break it off with her and that is why we are in this big mess. She contacted me covertly through myself and ratted him out. But I know through sources, she doesn't want him. I deleted the fake myspace account that I had created to get info from her about what happened. I got all I needed and here I was being deceitful as well. I hope and pray I can get the image of the two of them having sex. I have bad dreams and serious nightmares now. My good friends keep telling me, "He is changing, making himself the husband you want, deserve and need. Are you going to just let him fix himself and let another woman come in and reap the benefits of this horrible situation if you leave him?" They also said, ALL things work together for good. So, with that, something horrible has happened and maybe it was just the wake up call for BOTH of us to learn from. I just WISH that he hadn't slept with her. That sucks. That image has not gone away.

You are saying that you had it coming for your husband to cheat on you? People can change certain things about themselves but I dont think that they can change their core values, including their morals. I believe that he is trying to manipulate you with this crying scene. Personally this man owes YOU and he should be kissing your ***. Why are you listening to your friends? They arent the ones who have the bad nightmares and images in their heads. When does it stop? I dont think it will for you..especially with this "controlling the relationship." Why should anyone have to control a marriage? Monitering his phone records to see if he is on the up and up shows a lack of trust..which he has already ruined for you. Is this really how you want to live?

HI,
It seems to me that you invest most of your time into what he is doing & not doing. You both seem to need help. You are very lucky that the charges were dropped. You can't go around threatening people. Every state is different & some are more harsh about stuff like that. You also mentioned that you took knifes to him a few times. That is messed up. If you have to control a marriage & do all of that crazy stuff it is not worth it.

You also seem to keep blaming the other woman for all of it. She was wrong to mess with him, but you have a 1 track mind about it. You said that you wished he did not have sex with her but he did. No one can change that. He might do it again with someone else. Do you have a bad temper? Because it will get you in jail if you can't control yourself. No man is worth that. Also, don't be surprised if he messes around with this woman again.

Also, I agree with the above post that it will not stop for you. There are alot of problems & constant drama going on in your life. Your temper will get you in trouble. i would be very angry too. But you are blaming this other woman & then you said you had it coming. When you get to such a point that you are leaving messages & threatening people, also taking knifes on anyone, it it time for you to get help. 1 day you might not really mean to or want to but you can hurt someone. Then you will really have some problems. No man is worth fighting with another woman after he cheated on you. Judy K. Chicago

Again, thanks for the advice. I must tell you I came home last Wednesday and it was needed. I have put my trust in God and actually He has helped me through this whole weekend. I am no longer trying to control the relationship. I am letting God do all the work. These "people" we have talked to are from our church and I couldn't be more grateful for them getting into the thick of things and helping us draw closer to God. THAT is the problem. I hope someone out there can relate. I want to control my anger, GOD will help me. Both my husband and I during this time apart have been getting ourselves more into the word and working on ourselves. That in turn will help our marriage. Nothing else, I can assure you of that. Once it is given up to God, you let Him control it. God has to be the center of our marriage to work. I truly believe this. Please wish us well as we take this journey. . . .

I do wish you well but God would not want for you to have to put up with what you have gone through nor have to re-live it over and over and over again through bad dreams and images.

God doesn't make me relive it over and over, it is satan that does that. I simply pray for God to take the pain and hurt away. It really works. I have put my faith and trust in him and am doing quite well. God hates divorce, that is NOT an option, however, we will work through this and since I cannot control what my husband does, should he mess up again and cheat, my Lord will sustain me enough to give me peace that I tried. After reading all these responses and what I have said, I have definetly been on a journey here! Last night, I was able to drive past the exit that "she" was at and could have easily done something to be destructive to her vehicle. Vengence is mine, say the Lord.

God does not agree with divorce, but he is also merciful and gracious. I did divorce my first husband, because the marrage was beyond all hope. My husband did not love me and hated my faith. But God allowed me to divorce.

In fact, the situation was so gracious that without anything to do with me my ex was served the divorce papers actually on our wedding anniversary! I felt God may have not liked the situation, but he did not condemn me, in fact he had not agreed with my choice!I do not say this lightly, belive me, I paid a lot of pain and betrayal because of my wrong choice, God knew that and he allowed me to be released from what I could not handle and could never mend. I now have a husband who does love me. We all make mistakes but God is good and though he is not mocked, he is so much more gracious than we ever give him credit for.

I still think that you are angry with the wrong person. Your husband broke a vow.

Verynicebecky,
I never said I wasn't angry. Of course I'm angry. Angry with my husband, angry with the woman. My husband did break a vow, but who am I to condem him? I could never cast the first stone. Who am I? Blameless? Hardly! I made a commitment to stand beside my husband. I now intend to do that. We have finally found an awesome church and he is making Godly friendships. I see the changes going on in him. If he is faking, he should receive an academy award. Is it really hard for people to believe someone can change? I suppose so, I used to be one of those people, then something almost beyond forgiveable happened to me.

To Nicola Jane,
There is a lot of hope in my marriage. The ball is in my court. My husband does love me and has really gotten to know Christ more than I could ever ask. That is what needed to happen in order for us to continue. Our marriage was built on sinking sand, not the rock of Christ Jesus like it needed to be. I testify that Jesus is performing a miracle and without sounding like a holy roller, I believe. In my heart I know that it is not for show, but if it were, God will have that revealed, but if I don't take the risk I will never know. I am not a quitter. Call me crazy, but I think I am brave. Wish me luck!

I brought up the issue of anger because you brought it up. Had it been your husband at the exit would the thought of damaging his car cross your mind? Why did you mention that anyway?

Btw, I was married to a minister. Worst 4 years of my life.