|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966
Koala
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966 |
This week's article is on active and passive voice, particularly stative sentences ("He/She/It was..."). Let's play a game In the article I converted "It was a dark and stormy night" from passive (was) to this more active sentence: "Lightning interrupted the dark night." (Subject, active verb, and object) What options can you come up with for converting "It was a dark and stormy night" into active voice?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 589
Gecko
|
Gecko
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 589 |
Great article, Elle. How about, "Rain streamed and soaked through the velvety darkness."I could get even more "purple" but I'd better stop there. At least it's active!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,616
Koala
|
Koala
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,616 |
Lightning exploded in rockets of flaring energy across the sky, as rain poured from the buckets of the gods.
How's that for wordy?-lol
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582
BellaOnline Editor Wolf
|
BellaOnline Editor Wolf
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582 |
Lightning lit up the dark sky as the thunder rumbled and the cool rain began to fall?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
Newbie
|
Newbie
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 5 |
As the wind howled and screeched through the rain-soaked trees, darkness fell.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966
Koala
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966 |
Some nice answers there Let's try one based on the discussion of participle sentences in this week's article on rhythm. How would you rewrite this paragraph, so that it actually makes sense, and allows the reader to create a flowing "movie" in her mind. While attempting to administer the vaccination, the dog bit the vet. Grabbing for a cloth, the vet's assistant suddenly fainted.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582
BellaOnline Editor Wolf
|
BellaOnline Editor Wolf
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582 |
The dog bit the vet as he tried to give it a vaccination. The vet's assistant reached for a cloth to help the doctor control the bleeding and suddenly fainted before she could complete the task.
Is this a right way to fix it?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966
Koala
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966 |
That's great Vance.
The main thing to keep in mind is that some of your readers may be trying to picture the action as they are reading. When you place the subject first and keep the action described in the same order as it should be imagined, the reader has somewhere definite to begin picturing. Using participle sentences and passive voice mean that your sentences begin backwards. The reader has to wait before he can complete the picture... or he might get the picture wrong at first, both of which pull his attention out of the story.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1
Newbie
|
Newbie
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1 |
How about this? (I'm new here as of today - great forum!)
The experienced veterinarian sensed that the dog was terrified and gently stroked its hair before slowly moving the vaccination needle into place. Suddenly, and with a burst of energy such that the vet had never seen before, the dog lashed out, teeth bared, a deep growl cut short by the cushion of the vet's arm in its jaws. Blood began to spurt across the table as the vet tried in vain to release the dog's locked grip. "Help!" he gasped to his assistant, who, because she was relatively inexperienced in the field, took one look at the ruby-red mess and fainted into a crumpled heap on the floor.
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966
Koala
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,966 |
Well, you've done a good job moving it from passive to active... but now you need to work on the adjectives and adverbs
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|