Interesting article...and it addresses a recent topic here, whether parents should bring their kids to adult parties. It sounds fairly balanced to me...tells people that both parties have to be sensitive and flexible, not just the childfree (though they use the term "childless" in the article).

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"I am envious of the complete contentment that parents seem to have when they are around their young children," Dhawan says. "Nothing else matters. All the frivolous things that seem to preoccupy us, like looks, money and power, seem to take their rightful place in the backseat."

Personally, I would say "understanding", not "envious". But that is me. It seems condescending to call what we want "frivolous", IMO.

Yes, that bit bothered me somewhat. I guess to the parent those things are in their rightful place in the backseat, but for us that's not necessarily the rightful place.

I myself am not envious of parents when I see kids having a meltdown in public and the parents are unable to deal with them!

Cindy

Which parents are they talking about? I don't know ANY parents that behave that way, but I know a LOT of parents who argue every night about not having enough money to pay the bills...

"Spouses can help by encouraging their partners to have some personal time with friends without the kids tagging along, which experts say is beneficial to the marriage as well."

I really wish I could figure out how to get one of my friends to do this. Every time she wants to do something with me, she always has to bring her daughter along. I don't understand why we can't go out by ourselves without the baby and have her husband watch her for a few hours.

Has anyone ran into this situation before? and how did you handle it? I'm afraid to say anything to her about it.

I love this CC, thanks for sharing. This is something I've been thinking about lately, and observing.

I think kids are definitely a friendship breaker, for the most part. I have two pretty good friends that have kids, and we've managed to keep the friendship going. But I'm much closer to my other CF friends. We just have more in common.

I noticed when we visiting BIL and SIL that they were talking about spending New Year's with a neighbor that has two kids, like them. I wonder what else they have in common with them? I don't think BIL or SIL have long term friends. I just think most people focus on their relationships with their kids. There's a limited amount of time, and they usually spend most of it with their kids. At least, this is what I have seen.

Why can't she leave it at home? Because some women are total control freaks, and don't trust their partner to look after the child, even for an hour.

1. It's half his child as well. Don't you think he'd like to spend some time with it without you hovering over him, telling him he's doing it wrong?

2. How is he ever going to learn to do it RIGHT if you don't even let him TRY?

3. What's going to happen if for some reason you aren't available to look after the child, through sickness or an emergency. What then? Someone else is going to HAVE to do it for you.

I know it's natural to be protective of your first born. But seriously, some mothers act as if nobody in the world has ever done the job before, and couldn't possibly do it better than them, even with years of experience.

"rolls eyes"

I had a friend like this, who could not go out without bringing her young son with her. It's the main reason our friendship waned, and we're basically just occasional e-mail buddies now. She divorced not long after she had her son (husband didn't want to be a dad, and her son became the center of her world). He didn't want the kid on his own for very long periods of time, and she felt guilty if she asked him to take care of the child, as she felt like it was bad to spend time away from her son, especially after she went back to work. (She was a SAHM after she had her son.) But, it was very rare for her to leave her son in her husband's or anyone else's care so she could have an afternoon to herself. There really wasn't anything I could do about it, so we stopped hanging out together, since the times we did get together she was fixated on the kid. It's more fun to e-mail with her, she will discuss different topics on e-mail.

Sorry, I'm not much help. I've focused on finding childfree friends, and that has helped a bunch!

Cindy

Cookiecody- that reminds me of another Dr. Phil show where a woman's only son that she doted on got married and now neither the son or his new wife with speak with the mother. Her DIL accuses the mother of having innapropriate feelings for the son because she dotes on him so heavily, so now she never sees him.

That's the problem with putting all your love into your kid - after a time you'll have to watch that child walk away, and if you don't let go, they'll hate you for it.

I've noticed that kids can be a friendship breaker whether or not you are CF. It's much easier to tolerate someone's idiosyncrasies when children aren't involved. When their idea of parenting rubs you the wrong way, then you tend to keep your distance.

Our best friends have 2 boys (12 & 7) who we love a bunch and do tons with. These folks have managed to have a life outside of their kids while being good parents, can still have an adult conversation, and know when to get a babysitter. We also have similar parenting styles (even though we are CF) so I know if they are out of line I can say something because their mom would say exactly the same thing.

Another good friend of mine also has 2 boys (6 & 8) but our parenting philosophy is so different that I'm uncomfortable around her kids. They are nice boys but the things she makes a big deal about are inconsequential to me and vice versa. Plus, she's pretty helicopter.

Friend #1 and Friend #2 and I were all really close at one point, but even Friend #1 feels uncomfortable around Friend #2 because of the parenting style difference, i.e. what's allowed and what's not.

Heck, I sometimes have problems with my best friend because our dog parenting styles are different! I'm more the disciplinarian (not mean, just don't allow as much as she does her dogs). She pretty much lets her dogs do whatever they want, without giving them many limits. Not saying my dogs are perfectly behaved, but I think mine have more structure in their lives than hers do. Now she wants to adopt a new puppy, and I feel she should continue training the one she got last year that's not quite a year old now, who has gotten pretty big and is pushing his limits. But that's MHO, of course!

Cindy

Friendships usually work best, Lindquist says, when the childless person takes an interest in the kids (or at least in hearing about them) and isn't too demanding of the new parent's time.

This comment bugged me. The whole thing kind of did. The implication of this quote and really, the entire article, that the CF friend will have to do most of the compromising to keep the friendship alive.

Um, no. Not for me, thanks. When my baby rabid friend finally gets her dream of being a SAHM, we will have much less in common. I understand and accept that. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I will not put significantly more effort into maintaining the relationship than she. If it's important to her, she will try just as hard.

I'll meet her halfway, not 80% of the way. That makes the difference between staying friends and changing the relationship to a mommy worship festival.

Just a side note, but I love the phrase "baby rabies". I keep mushing it into "brabies" in my head though. >;D

Cool, we can start a whole new CF lingo!

Pregnancy articles: pregnicles
Baby rabies: Brabies

Yes, I have. I would simply ask my friend, "So, ya wanna go grab a drink (or spa, or pedicure, or brunch, or whatever)?" If she mentioned anything about the baby or kid coming along, I would quickly say, "Oh, sorry, I hate to make you drag the munchkin along, let's shoot for another day."

Most of them get the hint real quick. If they don't, I move on.

The only exception I don't mind at all is my boyfriend's daughter-in-law...I know that when I invite her out somewhere, the baby's coming too. But she is a delightful person, the baby never utters anything but happy little peeps every now and then, she doesn't dote on the baby (well, any more than I do), and the whole experience is nice.