Okay, quit being so serious! Sure, it's tough to resist making resolutions for the New Year, but let's be realistic here.

What are your Real Resolutions?

Seriously, kids!

1. So many men, so little time. Make more time.

2. I will learn cusswords in different languages.

3. I will remember that life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

- I will remember it isn't worthwhile wrestling with pigs - you get all muddy and don't the pigs just love it?!

- If I see a UFO I won't tell anybody about it.

-When my brain feels like it's confetti, I will throw a party.

1. I will remember the Universe is infinite...so when I lose my keys...NOT a surprise!!

2. When I come to a fork in the road, I'll take it.

3. I will not stand between a dog and his hydrant.

4. When a urologist offers me a beer, I will say "No."

1. Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. (Thanks,David Geary!)

2. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL!"

3. I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

4. I will buy lottery tickets at a luckier store.

-I will spend more time with those who are arrogant, audacious, boastful, brazen, cavalier, cheeky, complacent, crusty, disdainful, egotistical, elitist, hard-boiled, hard line, imperious, impudent, insolent, meretricious, patronizing, pompous, pretentious, proud, rowdy, rude, sassy, saucy, scornful, self-admiring, self-obsessed, selfish, smug, snobbish, supercilious, tawdry, ungracious, and vain...

...and not one of them will bother me.

Life is a matter of perspective. Before chastising yourself for all your vices, look at why we're here. Don't cheat yourself of ANY of life's experiences.

-If you drink 8 glasses of water per day, are you a water addict, addicted to the chemical substances of hydrogen and oxygen? A woman died from water intoxication on Jan 11, 2007 in a "Hold your Wee for a Wii" contest. Does this mean water is bad for you?

-If you diet constantly, what fun are you to the host & hostess of the party? They bought all that food and drink for you. Don't be a schmuck!

-Running? Bad for the knees! Run for office, instead.

-Intimacy was meant to be enjoyed. Why do you think it feels so good? Get under the quilt and away from the guilt.

-Help somebody. Start with yourself. Love you for you, then spread the love around.

-Maybe smoking isn't so bad. You stimulate the economy and make it possible for the head honchos of tobacco corporations to entertain in executive suites at the ballpark. Those of us who have reaped the benefits of one of these parties are grateful for your addiction.

-Get your spending under control? Tsk-tsk! How would we have all that corporate greed in ballpark packaging? Chase Field, PNC Park, Citizen Bank Park, Safeco Field, Citi Field...You BUILT all this greatness, Kid! Be proud!

It's pretty weird that people start the New Year by spanking themselves with "resolutions." How did that guilt-riddled tradition ever get started anyway?

Make a list of your accomplishments from the past year - then join your friends, have a few drinks, and celebrate life! You did good, in the best possible way you could, at that point in your life. Yaay, You!

- I will commit random acts of sassiness.

- When driving in stop-and-go traffic, I will contemplate the actual meaning of "Kids make nutritious snacks," or "Include your children when baking cookies." Yummy...

These are good! Thanks. Wish I could contribute some...