BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids How much time for making my decision?

Hi,

this forum is very important to me, because it feels so good to know, that there are people out there who think the same way and have the same problems...

There is one thing that really botheres me: How much time should I give myself for making my decision?
I don't wear out the pill so birth control isn't very comfortable for us ... my DH has already made his decision and he would like to do a vasectomy better early than to late ;-)
I'm the "fencesitter" in our relationship ...

My thoughts are going round in circles, because I don't want children of my own for so many reasons, BUT there is also a small voice in my head that is warning me not to hurry my decision!
A vasectomy is irreversible...

I already think about it since 2 years and a lot of other important things depend on this decision. This seems to be a problem for me and... I'm just nerved, because of my irresolution. :-(

Please dear blogees let me know your mind and tell me how long you thought about, before making your decision - if you have already made it.

Thanks a lot!
Juli

Welcome, Juli.

I don't know how old you are, but I think any 32-year-old owes it to herself, her husband and her possible future offspring to start thinking about getting off that fence pretty quickly. Get pregnant by age 34 or younger (since the pregnancy takes almost a year), or for the sake of the human you wanted to create, don't create him or her.

Volumes of research show that first-time mothers 35+ years old present much greater risks to the baby. Case in point is my friend who got pregnant at 36. There with issues already in pregnancy, and when the baby was born, it had to go into immediate heart surgery. It's been a week, and the baby's still not out of the woods, battling every complication you can think of. They won't know if the baby has any mental deficiencies until much later. Nice welcome to the world: "Welcome to life, kid, here's what open-heart surgery feels like. Oh, you don't have the immune system to fight off infection? Too bad, so sad...your cute little mommy over there just decided she didn't want to miss out, so deal with it." *grumble*

I felt the same way you did...when I was 31 and married, my husband had already had a vasectomy, but he was willing to either reverse it or do the in-vitro thing. As long as I wasn't having crazy maternal instincts, I thought it best to wait a little longer. It was both a heartache and a blessing that marriage didn't survive, because I'd HATE to be stuck with raising a would-be 4-year-old alone now.

Good luck, Juli!

Just a side note- Vasectomy's are reversable, the success rate of conceiving does go down, but it is reversable. On top of that (as said above) you can always do invitro-fertilization. There is also Vasovasostomy Vasoepididymostomy, which is a big fancy word meaning that instead of simply reconnecting the Vas Deferens, they go in and put in an artificial highway for sperm to travel through. A newer procedure also being done (ussually involved with invitro) is where they go in surgically and simply withdraw sperm by going behing the vasectomy, they can then use that with invitro to implant an egg.

I had my vasectomy done a few months ago, and spent a lot of time leading up to it doing and research and consulting with docs. I feel pretty confident that in the case of some life altering choice, I would still be able to conceive if I really wanted too. Not to mention there is always plenty of little tykes that need adoption.

Skeeter

Angela gave you really great advice. My aunt had a mentally retarded baby at 35, and apparently it had something to do with her age. It's just too scary to take a chance on having a child that has mental or physical disabilities.

There's something really awesome on this blog somewhere that encourages the fencesitter to think about all that is involved in all of the different stages of parenting. It's really good. I will see if I can dig it up. and I will post it here if I find it.

okay, here it is. There's a lot to read, and at the bottom, there are a bunch of questions potential parents should ask themselves.

BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

But think of how into it you'd have to be to do all that. These procedures start at several thousand dollars and go way up from there. Plus, count on months of testing and preliminary appointments beforehand. You have to really want it badly, and be ready to sink your life savings into it, or go into debt (unless you're rich).

I'm sorry to not be able to answer the original question, since I've never had to make that decision (it was made for me). I just thought it was worth pointing out if you have any inkling of changing your mind, that would make having a child all the more expensive and challenging if you did decide to try and then had to go through fertility procedures.

I'm speaking from personal experience, because I would have to go through fertility procedures to procreate, and always assumed I could "Just get IVF" and go on with having a baby whenever I finally decided. But once it got to really learning more about it, it was not affordable for us at all.

"Volumes of research show that first-time mothers 35+ years old present much greater risks to the baby."

Gee can I borrow this?
I am 34 now and I am STILL getting asked when me and my husband are having kids.
We don't want to.
And there are two Special Needs children in my class this year.
One of them I was told has an "older mother" but I sometimes find it hard to figure out how old people are! (E.g. was she in her 30s or 40s?) Ditto for the other mother.
They really are having to put their lives on hold for their kids and having a lot of problems as a result of their children being Special Needs.
One of
the people who asks me had her daughter at 36 but just cos her child turned out OK doesn't mean that's always the case.

Thanks happy for this link... there are so many true thoughts in it!

Angela, I think the same way...I owe it to mine and my husbands future to get off the fence, that's why I started this thread...
The opinion to get pregnant older than 35 is indiscussable for us, because my mother in law is 72, my husband is 31 years old now (I am 28!). And - he always suffered from this fact, because his parents raised him like in the 1950's!

I think about every important decision very hard, that's a good thing most of the time, but in some cases my thoughts just turn round the same things over and over again... ;-) and that really nerves!!

My husband would not be willing to reverse a vasectomy! He says that a vasectomy is no birth control - it's a final decision and I respect his opinion!

I also have to confess that these fertility procedures are really scaring me.

So I think I have to stop thinking about it and draw a line..!?

Hi Juli,

It sounds to me like your decision has been made already, if you are planning to stay with your current husband.

I was in similar shoes to yours, though in my late thirties, having vague longings to have a child. But when I really probed my husband about it (and cared to hear what he had to say) I realized that overall it would be very difficult for him, and not something he wants, though he was reluctant to say so, as he didn't want to discourage my dream. I realized that unless I was 100% baby-impassioned it wasn't worth making him unhappy and perhaps ruining our relationship. In other words, which are you more committed to: your current partner and his happiness, or the vision of yourself as a mother?

Julie

Juli, no rush...you're 28.

So much can happen in six months, so much can happen in 2 years. Enjoy the time to just coast. It's nice to have that time. Time is power, ability to decide is power.

If you feel an overwhelming desire to procreate right now, analyze the reasons why, and then try for a baby if you want to. If you don't feel the rush, the aching need to be a mother right now, then wait. You have time.

What we enjoy in the CF forum is not necessarily the fact that we simply don't have kids; rather, that we thought about it long and hard and recognize we have a choice rather than following a social crowd or giving into family/friend/coworker pressure. Of course, some people in this forum might have wanted kids but couldn't have them.

Take your time with it, Juli. The choice to be a mother is so personal.