BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Ease my mind and my heart.

Hi. I am a new user. I am a 37 year old woman in need of some advice from other women. I have several male friends online from other countries that I speak to almost every day. Most of them are just friends, but there is one that is sort of taking over my heart and I'm not sure it's a good thing. He is from the middle east. He is very sweet and all and says he wants to settle down, but he travels over 300 days a year. He gave me the websites for his six companies that he is involved in so that I would know more about what he does. My problem is that he wants us to be exclusive but I am having trouble even trusting myself to trust him. Right now, he is in New York City on business and supposed to fly home tonight or tomorrow morning. For the past week, he has called me alot but the last I heard from him was hursday night when he left me a message saying that he wanted to say "Hello, and I love you". I miss you baby. That's all well and good but we don't even know each other that well and he's been telling me how much he loves for for awhile now.
So many alarm bells are going off in my head. The problem is that I do like him, but after he called me on Thursday night, and I went to call him back, it said that his phone was out of service which I found really strange and it's been bothering me ever since. I don't know what to think right now. I'm so confused and trying really hard to keep my head on straight because I don't want to get hurt over this. It's just crazy.
I remember him telling me that his phone might not work over here and that he would have to rely on e-mail, but I know for a fact that he sometimes has a history of not checking his e-mails for a long while because of how busy he is and always flying somewhere else almost every day. Please tell me what you ladies think about this and what he could be up too with the phone and everything or am I just being overdramatic and letting my emotions get the best of me. He gets enormous amounts of calls even when I do get time with him on e-mail, chat or whatever, so I can't imagine him just having his number changed just like that. I just don't know. Will someone please ease my mind on this. I'm tired of checking my voice mail and e-mail and wondering.

P.s. for everyones information, there has been many times where we have gone for days without getting to talk to each other or hearing anything as far as even an e-mail. I am the one who keeps in better touch than he. I usually try to drop him one e-mail a day when he's gone like this. I have to admit though being in an online relationship with someone overseas is very hard to handle at times. the distance and all. And of course, the thoughts that run through your mind when you don't hear anything can be a real nightmare. I try to keep as busy with life as possible, but when it's evening and you have more time to think, I can't focus at all. I'm sure that some of you can relate to what I'm saying. It's tough. I do everything in my power to not be a clingy, needy, woman. And as far as calling him, I would never even call him but once every other day and leave a message, so that I would know that at least he knew I was thinking of him. But he also understands that I understand how busy he can be, but we haven't known each other long enough for me to really feel secure in any way despite the things he has said and told me in e-mails or phone calls. It helps at the moment it's said but after that,, No. Is there anyone else that's been in a situation like this and how do you handle it?

You've already answered your own question.

You don't trust him or your feelings for him. I say forget about him and try to forge a face-to-face relationship with someone in your own area.

Get involved in activities that you enjoy in the evening. Join a book club, a bowling league, a darts club. Anything that gets you out and interacting with people in an activity you enjoy. That way you will have at least one thing in commom with the people you meet. Have fun and people will gravitate to you.

Good luck.

Yes, I believe you are probably right. I left him an e-mail yesterday and also left him a phone message just telling him that I had left him some e-mails. I basically told him in the e-mail that no relationship can survive without communication and that I wasn't asking for the world, I was only asking for a little bit of his time. I also told him I understand his work is important but if you tell someone that they are more important to you everyday and then let them go for a week or more at a time without a word from them, what are they supposed to think. After today, I have had a total change of attitude about it all and am just at the point of not caring whether I hear from him or not. I am not going to put my life on hold for a one-sided relationship. Why are men such idiots. Is it a inborn thing or what. It seems like the only men I ever attract are the good looking, cocky, egotistical ones. Man, isn't there a normal man out there?

Hi,
Not all men are idiots. There are good men & bad men. Also good women & bad women. Listen to the warning bells you hear. Don't ignore them. Well, if you attract men who are jerks, then only you can change that. Also with anyone who you talk to on-line or on a phone, that you never met who tells you they love you, is weird. I would say the same thing if you went on a date with a man in person he told you that. It is a warning sign.

But you can't judge all men just because you have come across some bad rotten apples. If you attract the "bad boy" type, ask yourself what you can do to change that. Sometimes people are focused on certain things & ignore the good men or women who are interested in them. Sure it is nice to want to be with a good looking person, but there is more to life than looks.

I would stop contacting him & get on with your own life. It is always better to do things with people in your area, in person. Many people lie on the computer. It is better to get out & do things than to put too much time into computer relationships. Good luck to you. Happy Holidays to everyone! Judy K.Chicago.

You might need to expand your horizons and go out with men who are not your usual type. Become friends with them first and then you can build a lasting relationship. If you're always attracted to the "bad boy" types, you're looking at flash over substance.

Sizzle fades really fast. It's not sustainable in the long run.

Make him earn being in your life. If you believe you're a catch, other people will too. No-one should take you for granted even before the relationship has really started. He's using you to stroke his ego but not giving anything to you in return.

I'm glad you're ready to move on. Find someone who deserves your love. There are good men out there, I know because I have a great one.

Well the good news is that I did meet someone about two months ago and we have only ever been friends and just friends. we can sit for hours talking about anything and everything under the sun and just yesterday, he told me that he wants more, but wants to take it a day at a time. He's been divorced twice and his third relationship didn't work out either, so we're taking it only one day at a time and see what happens is what he says.
Which I think is a good thing.
I guess my problem always was the pleasing principle of always wanting to go out of my way for them and not stepping back and saying "hey, I'm worth the effort". Why don't you take the reins for once. That's a hard habit to break. But I am really learning the hard way, aren't I?

Hi Bahrain, I also, wanted to warn you about internet romance.
One of our secretaries was involved with a man online - he wanted her to meet him interstate at a conference...wanted to settle down etc. We have a number of private investigators on staff (ex police in the main) - he was traced to the UK and to his pregnant wife and kids....he was clearly looking for a long distance, no hassles affair.
Also, even if he's genuine - How would the relationship progress? Would you travel to the Middle East? Often, long distance romance means a lot of sitting and waiting...as time passes by - you really need to know the person's worth the wait to accept that sort of deal for years on end. I know it can work in the long term for a small number of people.
I think sadly, as time goes by - lots of people end up damaged, bitter and/or entangled making the dating scene look as friendly as a dash across a mine field.
Put yourself first and be careful - take things slowly.
And, I agree - you determine how other's treat you?
At university a date called to collect me at college - he stayed in the car and blew the horn - I was expected to race out and jump into the car.
I stayed seated in the foyer - when he parked and came into the foyer, he asked me whether I'd heard him honking.
I said, "Yes, but surely you weren't honking at me - you couldn't be THAT rude" - he never did it again...

That's awesome Deborah! I've had that happen to me when I was young. I just pretended I didn't hear him until he came to the door. He didn't ask if I had heard him and I didn't volunteer the information. Needless to say that was our last date. I didn't have quite the cache as I have now and there was no way I would've had the presence of mind to do what you did!

I did learn very early that any time you accept a questionable behaviour it will increase ten-fold. The problem is that if you accept a behaviour and then decide you don't want to put up with it any longer, the fallout will be huge. You need to set up relationships at the beginning as to how you expect to be treated and you will accept nothing less. Changing course mid-stream and still maintaining the relationship is very difficult.

Thanks for your advice on internet dating and how to be careful. Fortunately for me, the friends that I have met online have been genuine and I have been on web cam with many of them at many times. Most of the guys I know as friends are real people with real lives. I've been lucky in that respect and most of them have turned out to be terrific. It's great to have friends like that that are there when you need someone to talk to etc. And it's nice to get messages from them when I haven't heard from them for awhile like my one friend who left me this message "sorry I've been so quiet, I'm on my holiday with the kids".
And the other part is that for alot of them, they have given me their home phone numbers as well as cell numbers and addresses. So I've been lucky in that respect. You are also right about the questionable behavior thing. That if you accept the way a man treats you right off the bat, you've just created a monster unless you start it off just right Because as I have found out, if you wait to far into the relationship to change it, you are pretty much done for.