BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage married to a narcissist

I am pretty much at the end of my rope. My husband is not the man I thought he was when I married him. To sum things up, he is an angry, controlling, narcissist. Being a doormat, of course I was drawn to this man. There is so much that has happened in our marriage, I just don't know where to begin. No normal woman would have put up with him for as long as I have. I am not an equal partner in this marriage; it's his way or else he sits and pouts or gets angry. I've trained him to use me like a servant and there I am running around getting him food or drinks or pretty much whatever he wants. Why do I do this? Because I'm afraid he'll be angry at me if I don't. If I do voice my opinion about something, he'll call me the name of my mother and laugh at me. She is a person who is very much set me her ways (among other things) and he know that I find this offensive. But he does it anyway. I know that I caused a lot of this because I pretty much go with the flow not just in this marriage, but all aspects of my life. I treat others as I want to be treated but I feel so beaten down by this marriage. I could give you examples of what's been happening if you want. Sometimes I don't know if it's just me being too sensitive or if this is how normal marriages are. It just doesn't seem right to me somehow. Thanks for listening.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It really is no way to live. My advise to you would be to get out of the relationship. I know it is way easier said then done and being married can make things complicatied, but this is your life and your happiness we are talking about here. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life like that.

This definitely is not you being too sensitive and this is absolutely not what normal healthy marriages are supposed to be like. Your husband needs to get some help to sort out whatever problems he has and it sounds like he needs to do it alone.

Again I am very sorry and I wish you strength and courage. You deserve to have your own life and make your own decisions and most important to be happy.

Best of luck to you, Tara.

No normal marriage is the way you describe your marriage. Marriage partners should respect and care about the other person. Your husband sounds like he is a controlling, cruel person. Get out of the marriage for your own sanity.

Get some counseling for yourself. Many clinics work on a sliding scale if there is financial difficulty. You need help getting self-esteem.

Your husband is an abuser. Calling you a name he knows upsets you is emotional abuse, feeling afraid of angering him is also a sign emotional abuse; he instilled that fear in you.

Go to an abused women's group; you can find one through the yellow pages or a local doctor's office.

Do not take this any more.

Thank you for your reply Tara. I appreciate it. You are so right that it is hard to just leave. I hope I find the strength to do something for myself and make the move. I can't live like this forever. Thanks again.

I can't believe that I have endured this emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 7 years now. When I was younger, I thought women like me were crazy for staying with their husband if he was mean to them. I thought the solution was so simple; just leave, walk out and never look back. Why is that so hard to do now that I am in this situation. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

Please get counseling for yourself. You need self-esteem. There are slidingscale rates if finances are a problem.

Your husband is cruel and is emotionally abusing you.

There are women's groups who can help.

Bless you

Why are you continuing with such a relationship?

Dear 'Mat,

As someone who has spent the past year coming to terms with the fact that my elderly is a narcissist (she's just maintained that her problems are worse, more frequent, and more unfair than anyone else's for my entire life...now I see that she's just a myopic narcisssist)...I can tell you that they do NOT get better with age. They get worse.

Do some research on "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". There's actually a ton more info out there re: narcissistic partners than on narcissistic parents, so you could avail yourself of some of these resources.

If you have questions or just want to chat, contact me!

it's

elise

DOT

emmtwo (the letter and number, not as written here)

AT

gmail

DOT

com


Best to you,

Elise

Dear Doormatnomore,
I was sorry to read about your unhappy marriage and therefore, your unhappy life.
I think men that verbally abuse are controlling bullies - they are masters at mind games and know how to hurt everyone they wish to control. Often these men have been raised in a home where the father was verbally abusive and disrespectful of the mother - so, that was the example that was set...
I'm not making excuses for this behaviour - these men know what they're doing...
You determine how other people treat you - if you don't accept it - it will stop. If you accept the abuse - you are destined to be treated this way time and time again.
This man sounds so similar to a man who married one of my close friends years ago - after 5 years with this man and continually forgiving him for the emotional outbursts, verbal abuse and name calling - she was totally defeated. She didn't feel she could leave him as her confidence was zero - she had started to believe she was worthless - she eventually sought help at the urging of her few remaining friends and was told she had, "battered woman's syndrome" - she left her husband and they had marriage counselling for 2 years - her husband was so shocked when she stood up to him, he agreed to take an anger management course. This sort of behaviour is apparently, difficult to turn around - they did try to make their marriage work but when he was under stress, the old behaviour continued.
You deserve better...do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an abusive relationship?
Speak to your GP and get a referral - maybe, you could stay with your Mother or sister while you're receiving counselling.
This will send a clear message that you can no longer be pushed around, abused and controlled.
Marriage is about many things but certainly, not about the behaviour you outline in your email.

Congratulations for sitting down and putting whats going on in your life it into words. You should continue to read what you wrote over and over again to give yourself the strength that you need to get help. Keep talking (writing) and try to listen to yourself. You are the only one who really knows what you have to do, so listen to your voice.