Ive got an issue that I don�t know... what to do with..or even how to think about it -
I don�t have many fiends.. I have a husband who has friends.. and children - they all have friends. But I don�t have friends. I don�t know anyone ... and when I do meet people, I don�t even know what to do with them. Im so use to interacting through a window on a screen - and friends have been such an issue in my marriage that i�ve not even tried in years. Not even online - I live life like a voyeur on the internet - I know who people are and what they do.... their hobbies and interests.. I see their little inside jokes.. and in my own mind im part of it - but I dont know them.
But, I�ve found someone I would like to be friends with, online at least,... just friends... and it has me in such a turmoil its ruining me. But why should I feel so elated and amazed that I find someone I want to be my friend... and I act like an 8 year old with a crush.. it would be cute if I wasn�t so damn old... I say too much... i seem needy... I guess I am. but I don�t want to be. Its not even like I could hang out with this person offline, in fact, I probably wouldn�t want to if it came right down to it. because im sure who they are is partly my own fabrication.
Im tired of being so alone.
And yes, I know I sound like a complete whackjob.
I don�t know hat to do with my thoughts or my feelings.. I live a completely separate life from what goes on in my head and in a way it terrifies me. I cant live that life openly. Its not like I want to dress like a man and call myself earl, its that It would change everything around me.... I don�t know how to deal with change that I create. I can handle change when it happens, but not when I initiate it, since im the one that is in control and is supposed to know what�s going on. Im good at dealing with things that are out of control, but not start from there on my own terms. I lack self sufficiency, though I'm trying to change that. but I feel like its a fruitless effort - I don�t know what I'm doing anymore other than going through the motions of life all in order to make things work out. And things are working out - out here... everything is going as it should be.
And finding someone I could be friends with shouldn�t throw me into such turmoil.... really its that im crying out because there is no one to cry out too but I'm scared to say anything because someone might hear.
I just don�t know what to do now. or really..how to deal with feeling like [censored] and so giddy all at the same time. It makes me want to cry because I know it wont last... and I�ll be all alone again.. but if I'm too open I would even scare myself away...
