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hahhaa.

What's the problem with being both Irish and Scottish?

You love to drink, but you hate to pay for it!

A lawyer and a snake were run over by cars. How can you tell them apart?

There were skid marks in front of the snake.

This guy walks into a bar, sits down on a stool and puts a small bag on the bar. He pulls a necklace from the bag and a small man playing the piano.

The bartender asked him what all of this was and the man explained that it was a magic neklace. You hold onto it, make a wish and it comes true.

The bartender asked if he could try it and the man said yes.

He grabbed the necklace and said, "I wish I had a million bucks."
Suddenly a million ducks flew into the bar.

"What is this? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks" the bartender said.

"I know. The necklace is hard of hearing." He then pointed to the small man playing the piano and said, "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

HAHAHHA!

You reminded me of one.

A married woman was walking on the beach and she found a stoppered bottle. She opened it and out pops a Genie!

The Genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but first i must tell you about the fine print. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more."

The woman thought. She said, "I would like to be the richest woman in the world!" The Genie asked, "Are you certain? You do realize this means your husband will have ten times as much money?"

"Yes," she said, "It will be fine because what's mine is his and what's his is mine!"

POOF! She was the wealthiest woman. "What is your second wish?" asked the Genie.

"I would like to be the most beautiful woman of the world!" she said. The Genie furrowed his brow, "Are you quite certain? This would mean i would have to give to your husband ten beautiful women."

"Ah yes," she said, "but I would be the most beautiful woman. That is what i wish."

POOF! She becomes absolutely the most beautiful woman ever to be seen.

"What is your third and final wish, my lady?" asks the Genie.

"I would like a mild heart attack."

I am posting few graphics on the great Confucius. I do not think he said all this. But he would have surely laughed. If any of them is found unfit for those age above ?, let me know. I will delete it. Because I do not want to leave this forum. Enjoy!

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Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

A little boy asked his mother why wedding dresses are white and she replied, "It is a symbol of purity and cleanliness."

He then went to ask his father the same question because the boy knows that his dad gives a different answer than his mother.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white."
"Why Son, all household appliances come in white."

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower? Hand her a shovel and send her outside.

Here's one for you Vance -

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.