I really need to just put this whole story out there, if you don't want to read, I understand. I have been on some form of birth control for the last 3 years, nuvaring for over a year. A few months ago, I even considered stopping, because I was considering ttc #4. I decided against it for the time being because of several things going on in my life. About a month ago, I broke my ankle. On Thursday of this week, I went to a surgery center to have it surgically repaired. Imagine my shock when my urine pregnancy test came back positive. Not once, but twice. That had to be a mistake. Not only had I had a period just 2 weeks ago, it was a heavy one. And I had been having dark brown/black spotting for over a week, that had changed to bright red just Wednesday night (after sex). I've had multiple problems with abnormal pap smears and bleeding between periods, so I assumed that was the cause of the spotting, but no way could I be pregnant. Surgery was cancelled, and I headed to the lab to have a serum hcg drawn. I started to get a little excited. If this baby had made it past birth control, it was meant to be. The baby dreams I had had, my wish to ttc, must have been God trying to tell me it was time, and now He had just decided for me, birth control or not. The lab called later with results. 288. That worked out to about 2 weeks after conception. That was even less likely, considering that was the time I was on my period. I asked the nurse at the OB office what I should do. She told me to go ahead and take the nuvaring out, come back in 48 hours for another blood draw, and see which way the numbers went. If the bleeding was a miscarriage, there was nothing to do to stop it, anyway. She was not sympathetic at all. That night, the spotting continued, more bright red, with horrible abdominal and back pain. Suddenly, the broken ankle didn't hurt so badly, and I was using the Vicodin I had been given for it to medicate my belly & back (after calling the OB on call to make sure it couldn't hurt the baby, if there still was one). I spent yesterday in bed, still in pain. Nausea, dry heaves, generally just felt awful. I chalked that up to stress, and on the plus side, the bleeding had stopped. There was a slight pink staining once or twice, but that was all. Maybe I had thought my way into the cramping & back pain. Maybe my baby was still there. The confusion and not knowing was the worst, I thought. I went back this morning for my second blood draw. 182. The few people I had told don't understand my sadness. I was on birth control anyway, right? I didn't really want to be pregnant, so this is for the best, right? No one seems to understand. I know there are people here who have lost so much more, and I'm not sure I even belong here, but I don't know where else to post this. I wrote a letter tonight to my little one. I hope I haven't offended anyone here. If you have any suggestions about what may have happened, please let me know.
The sadness is overwhelming. A life that never was, never will be. I dreamt you into being, despite insurmountable obstacles. Almost before I knew of your existence, you were gone. I could have never known. I would have never suspected. I am glad that I know you were. Somewhere in the universe, a piece of the greatest love I have ever known is rocked by angels, pillowed on a velvet cloud, innocent forever. My heart aches for you. My arms to hold you, my eyes to gaze just one time upon your face. What beauty could such a love have created? what joy? All you will ever be is a soul, but what a pure and beautiful soul you must be. Forever I will carry you with me, in my heart and in my soul. You were my impossible wish, brought to being by a miracle, taken away before I could know you--by my ignorance? by the wish of another? by timing? by fate? I will never know the reason, but I will be forever changed.
