BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Good comebacks that are not TOO nasty?!

These are the other Matrix quotes I didn't bring into my last message (that I really wanted to, but overlooked). Just substitute a word or two, and the experience is the same.

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I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

You could say that.

I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate?

No.

Why not?

Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Parenthood.

Do you want to know what it is?

Yes.

Parenthood is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

What truth?

That you are a slave. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.

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I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without adults required to be a parent. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

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Ok, now that that is out of my system, I can go about my day.

How about "Thanks for the compliment. Fact is, though, that those attributes would make me better at almost anything I choose to do in life. Why should parenthood go to the top of the list?"

It's not even that straightforward, anymore. A 42-year old college prof pal of mine is single, gay, and HIV-positive (but healthy). He has been going around saying things like "I'm in my early 40s now <sigh>". I eventually called him on it: "You sound like a 42-year old woman who thinks her eggs are about to go stale". He answered that a lot of gay men, particularly in and around Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal, want the whole "breeder" (a term gays have used for ALL heteros for years) picket-fence marriage PACKAGE. As he's not even in a couple at the moment, he's finding it all a bit daunting. No helping matters is the fact that his mom, with whom he's very close, has pancreatic cancer and he's been tending to her as much as possible (he lives about 90 minutes away).

Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote him in July:

I hope you will continue to primarily focus on the things which you know bring you joy and energy and which are helping the world (you have all of that in your work, which is more than many people could ever dream of claiming about their lives). You�re the best friend anyone could hope for. You�re a loyal, loving son. I hope you will have the wherewithal to stay away from The Script, though. You must take care of those you love and extra care of yourself, not spend even one second worrying about How You Measure Up in the brave new world that is Gay Parenthood(�). Seems like there�s an awful lot of script-reading going on in that world, too. It�s made all the worse by the fact that gays never got to put their hands on all of the ingredients of The Script until recently (they had the picket fence down pretty well, but the marriage and kid thing were missing). So now they can simultaneously be Script-Followers while also perceiving themselves as dynamic pioneers. I bet it makes them pretty tiresome at parties --- but of course, they�d be the last ones to notice.

No matter�just because it�s all conveniently written in The Script doesn�t even begin to make it right for everybody. Gay or straight, I�m of the firm belief that we�d all be a lot better off if marriage were a lot more rare and if parenthood became a sort of unusual yet respected �calling�, not the ubiquitous choice that people go to because it�s just �what ya do� in order to complete the final phase of becoming a card-carrying Grownup (see The Script[�]). What about the legions of children who are already here and don�t have a caring adult in their lives? Everyone seems so hell-bent on replicating their own DNA rather than thinking about adoption, mentoring, or tutoring. Meanwhile, the planet is fairly groaning under the weight of our thoughtless excesses. Society, children, and the environment would all be a hell of a lot better off if we burned the Script�led by someone smart, creative, and heretofore bravely resistant to stupid peer pressure (that would be you).

I've been Bingoed by more men than women, thanks to working in male-dominated fields. When they ask "Why," I tell them I don't want to be stuck home doing all the cr@p work while my husband is out having fun, which is what I almost always see happening when a couple becomes parents. They get quiet and introspective at this point, probably thinking about all the times they've done this very thing.

I like this very much and am going to use it. We have a male friend who matched my DH and I up with each other, for which we are eternally grateful. We love our friend. However, whenever I am on my own with him, he starts trying to persuade me to have children and tells me how much it has enriched his life. This is because he, at 50, has recently become father to a toddler and a baby and his wife is over 40 (therefore there should be no barrier to DH and me). But the thing is, his wife loves staying at home with the kids and actually refuses to go out to work. She's never been in the least bit a career woman and insisted on being supported the minute he married her. So he gets to go to his cool internet job every day.

I wonder what he thinks when he hassles me about kids. He knows I am passionate about my work and a leader in the arts field. Does he think I'm just going to give all that up and stay at home like his wife does?

I find his wife unbearable by the way, in her suffocating baby-obsession.... I also happen to know from his confidences in me that their marriage is dreadful. It is the children that are currently providing the common thread and distraction.

hi everyone! it's been a while since anyone has asked me about having kids so i was really taken aback when it happened over the weekend. my hubby and i were hanging out with my friend and her family and i was holding my friend's little girl. i'm her godmother and i honestly really like kids(i really like dogs as well) but i just don't want one myself. anyway, apparently if show even a little bit of a liking to children right away people assume you should have one. my friend's brother turned to me and asked me when my hubby and i were going to have one. i was really floored b/c like i said i haven't been asked in a while and i assumed since i told my friend that i dont' want kids that he already knew.i told him that we like being called aunt and uncle(that is my new response.)i thought it was pretty self-explanatory without being nasty and would cut off any further discussion. no... he then asked me what i meant by that and i said just what i said and then i turned away. i don't know why it agrivated me so much but it did.i felt a little bad after b/c he's a nice guy and i've known him as long as my friend (over 21 yrs.) it just irriated me b/c i hate feeling like i can't be "too friendly" around kids or else people just assume things. it's ridiculous. my hubby really took to one of our friends dogs this weekend but i know that he really doesnt' want one. i mean just b/c you like kids or in my hubby's case dogs doesn't mean you want or should have one! ugh!

just my pet peeve i guess.

thanks for letting me vent.

indigo

I had a few comments this weekend myself. I was at my sister's, and my nephew decided I was his designated diaper changer and yelled if anyone else suggested they change his diaper. He said "NO! She changes my diaper!" (He is almost 3 - he knows how to use the toilet but won't. Apparently the doctor said that's normal?)

And then my 1-month-old nephew spit up on my sister's friend. She was covered, baby was covered, so I took the baby and cleaned him up and got him changed.

After that my BIL started commenting on how I was SOOOO good with kids and I should really have them because I'm SOOOO good with kids! And because my nephew loves me SOOOO much!

I just said I don't want kids, I prefer to be an aunt, and left it at that. He's cool, so he just said OK.

I do love being an aunt because, for the most part, you DO get the Kodak moments!

And is it bad of me to like that my nephew screams and cries when we leave because he doesn't want us to go, but just says goodbye to his other aunt?

Nah, it just makes you feel loved!

I just saw a good one on a blog: "Good heavens, no! I learned how to prevent that a long time ago".

I know what you mean. My husband has a group of friends who would like us (newly married, each on our second marriages aged 41,me, and 49,him) to have children. Whenever we see them (every month or so) I notice a couple of the women glance down to see if I have a 'baby bump'. Anyway, one of these women has two children - both lovely - and one is a baby. I just love holding that baby on my knee and nuzzling her soft hair with my nose and just marvelling at her perfect little hands etc. That doesn't mean I need to HAVE a baby. But then of course they all look at me with 'that look' - ooooh she really should be a Mum. I feel like saying "look, guys, it's more complex than that! Don't read into things!"