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Joined: Jul 2007
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The short of it is, my hubby wants kids. He is postitively baby crazy. He has pestered me for years.

We talk about all the time as you can guess. I always said I did want kids but not now. I'd say....Let's get into a real house and settled into our careers (He runs his own business). I suppose I half heartily believe my own words. We have had an up and down relationship I guess like most couples. He always said he would love me if we couldn't have kids.

I began to believe we couldn't after 10 yrs of unprotected, but smart sex. I got pregnant once and miscarried after 2-3 weeks a few years ago.

Since his sister got pregnant 5 months ago, he has been eager to impregnate me. At first I thought, ok, let's try it. Partly I think to indulge him and partly because I guess I believed that I either couldn't get pregnant and/or that the possibility was very low given our record and the fact that I'm not so young anymore. I also thought that if it did happen it would change my mind and he would be estatic of course. I really don't have much time left to have kids if I wanted them. Everyone in our families have been pressuring me to have a kid. Besides our siblings, our few friends that have kids we don't see anymore... Or only few times a years and never without "bathtime" "bedtime" "playtime" "breastfeeding" "crafttime" "birthday party" "screaming" "crying" "plastic cups and mini spoons" "pacificers tossed into my pasta" "4 years old Batman shooting at me" or neon pink, purple and sparkly things being stuck in my hair. They all seem so coddled, indulged and manic. First, they like you then hate you or vice versa.

Every person says to themselves "my kids will be different" But really most of them.. well... act like spoiled children because they are spoiled children. Mine most likely will not be different.

Now, I think I might pregnant. It is sending me into a real panic. I really don't want kids! The core of me doesn't.

If it is so (I'll give it a few more days before I call my gyn) I know it is though my own stupidity. I supppose the real reason I did not protest was I was afraid to lose my husband.

He is overseas and will not return for 10 days. Of course, at this kind of moment very idea comes through one's head. You think about all the options and what the future will be. Abortion entered my mind. It's seems to me the greatest betrayal of my husband. I don't think I could live with myself and he would not stay with me if I did it.

On the otherhand, I do not believe I should have a child I do not want. The potential reality of it has solidified my feelings.

I really don't like kids. I hate the smell diapers, not just used ones but the way they small out of the package. I hate plastic. Everything baby is plastic and neon. I don't like noise or interruptions. I detest baby carriages in my way and the arrogant attitudes of parents who feels they have special rights because they are parents. I hate that people who have kids pass their germs on to me. My office had two co-workers who had kids (They are now gone) and I was sick all the time.

I like my freedom. I like to smoke. Hell, I like to drink. All in moderation of course. I scuba dive and want to learn kite surfing. I want complete school if even just for the fun of it. I thought of changing careers which would mean working for less and longer hours to get the experience and facetime. Pregnant women don't usually get the demanding job. Certaining not a new hire.

I like to take off in the middle of the afternoon, do yoga and then shop downtown, and get home really late. I like to take my dog for really long walks in the woods. The few pleasures I have in my life would disappear if I had a kid. I would become frazzled, depressed from lack of stimulation, and fat. Few moms don't. I would be confined to my house, the park and school sanctioned activities. My conversations with everyone including my husband would be about the kid, the kid's activities, the kid's future.

I will never more take off for a month travelling and diving: The greatest love in my life and what I work for. I will have to abandon dinners out 4 nights a weeks. Instead of saving for a boat and retirement. I will be working to pay for health insurance, day care and schooling.

I really do not have anyone I am comfortable talking to about any this. I know the reactions I'd get. "You're being selfish." My husband's family would be over the top from such news.

I think I am a realist. Full honesty would be best I'm sure. But I am inclined not even to tell my husband until I figure out what I will do.

Advice, please. I'm going mad here.


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Gecko
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Hi GGD, I'm sorry you're in such a stressful place. I'm a big believer in "first things first" and right now, you've first got to find out if you "are" or "aren't". Since your DH is out of town, you've got a few days to get your answer before you have to face him. I'm not saying don't tell him - just that I'd avoid the "I think I'm..." and wait until I knew for sure one way or the other. Once you have a solid answer, then you can figure out with how to approach him. If you've dodged the bullet, tell him so and all the things you say above about really not wanting parenthood. And get thee some birth control! Of course if you are preg., that will be a whole other conversation. But the first step is finding out. Otherwise you're working yourself into a frenzy that might not even be necessary.

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Parakeet
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Originally Posted By: GirlGoingDutch
The short of it is, my hubby wants kids. He is postitively baby crazy. He has pestered me for years.
...
Now, I think I might pregnant. It is sending me into a real panic. I really don't want kids! The core of me doesn't.
I really do not have anyone I am comfortable talking to about any this. I know the reactions I'd get. "You're being selfish." My husband's family would be over the top from such news.
...
I think I am a realist. Full honesty would be best I'm sure. But I am inclined not even to tell my husband until I figure out what I will do. Advice, please. I'm going mad here.


Firstly, THE UNKNOWN is the strongest force to foster fear and doubt. You have to find out if you actually are, or are not, pregnant. You need to be on solid ground here, before you start panicing.

If you are pregnant, that is a different situation -- one wrought with worry and stress, as you so stated so eloquently above.

If you are NOT pregnant, then consider this a (rather shocking) wake-up call. Just because something is *unlikely* does not mean that it is *impossible*.

In which case we have some recent topics which might be able to give you some ideas on how to bring this up with hubby so that your desires, your wishes, heck, your entire life realizations, are fully understood by him.

If you desire, you may want to start reading this recent topic on this forum for general ideas, once you get calmed down a bit. We all need to be level-headed around here when discussing such serious life-affecting issues.

Confused about having kids

Everyone here will do her/his best to help you out.

Duane (one of the 'his' in here) smile

Last edited by Duane_Va; 07/26/07 12:59 PM.
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Chipmunk
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Girl Going Dutch: I think you should be able to find out right away with one of those pregnancy tests you can get off the shelf. I would go there immediately so that you don't have to sit in limbo and misery. I'm holding out hope for you! It sounds like you really don't want kids, and I hope you can work with this realization outside of the realm of pregnancy. But, we are here to provide support regardless.

"I would become frazzled, depressed from lack of stimulation, and fat. Few moms don't." I agree with this statement, but you really have to talk to your husband about all of this. Please let us know what you find out, and we will help you from there.

You can probably go and talk to a counselor at Planned Parenthood anonymously about your concerns, etc. That might help - it's confidential and I think it's free, too.

I'm sorry that you don't feel like you have anyone you can talk to about this. It is tough to admit you don't want kids, but better to deal with that discomfort than the alternative. Good luck!


Save your own life - don't have kids!
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Hello GGD, It sounds like the thought of possibly being pregnant makes you miserable, and the thought of having kids would wreck your entire life. That is why I do not want to have kids, I don't want my life to change, luckly my DH feels the same way. We love our freedom, and we don't want a child to change that!
You have got to come to a resolution with your DH, even if that means that you will have to part ways, Why on earth would you want to bring a child into this world if you have the feelings that you have? Don't second guess your feelings either, your gut tells you that you DO NOT want kids.....you need to go with your gut, don't think that you will change after you have a kid, the only changing that you will do is being really depressed, and the child will know it. The decision whether or not to have children in a marriage is a DEAL BREAKER, there is no compromising, both of you need to be on the same page. If you are pregnant, and you do NOT want to carry on with the pregnancy, abortion IS something to think about, it is not a bad thing, it is a womans right, Do not beat yourself up about the thought of having an abortion. If that is the only way to make yourself feel better than do it. I would want to be able to make that decision for myself, I would never have my DH tell me what to do with my body, whether to carry a baby or not. I understand that it would be his baby too, and he would want some kind of say, but in the end you have to be ESTATIC about bringing a baby into the world, not just him.

The root of your problem is for both of you to agree to either have kids or not, until then you will have this struggle forever.

It is no one elses business if you have kids or not, screw anyone else , family or otherwise that pressure you!!!!!!! You have to raide the kid not them and if your not happy then you'll have a miserable life!!!

This is blunt, but sometimes that's what people need!!!

Good luck and I'm curious to find out what the end result will be.

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Thank you all everyone's input. It is comforting to hear all your thoughts. I dread the confrontation with DH, but all are right: A decision must be made for myself and us as a couple.

I will post more when I have new developments.

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I agree with everyone else here. I will add that the most important thing here is you. Remember, YOU will be doing most of the work. Is making yourself miserable worth keeping your husband? And is that fair to a child?

I definitely agree that you should find out ASAP if you ARE pregnant or not ... and if you are, whether you should keep the baby or get an abortion.

Whether or not you are pregnant, you do need to sit down with your husband and have a long talk with him, trying to keep emotions out of the conversation (I know, it's hard, I haven't achieved that goal yet.)

Good luck, and we are all rooting for you.

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UPDATE

I feel very funny posting this update, but it feels like purging my demons, too.

Yes, I was pregnant. I had a D&C. The hardest decision of my life. I still sweating from it.

(I wrote a long post and decided not to post it, it feels too personal right now.) I will write more when I have confronted Hubby on the kids issue as a whole.




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Actually, I will post. (Not what I had written prior and not posted but something else)

I was thinking heavily on the subject and really about nothing else.

I'm I afriad to change? Maybe change is good? I don't have a maternal instinct. I hated dolls and girly stuff all my life. Maybe, I am afraid of my womanhood. Maybe, I don't embrace it. I never much liked being a girl or a kid.

Why don't I?

I'm not gay. I feel sort of genderless most of the time. I was thinking it might be a good idea to work with kids and see if stirs something in me.

It's all every confusing. I want a happy life with my husband. I want to be the joy of his life and he mine. Isn't family what carries us through life?

I really believe he needs kids. I'm struggling.

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Parakeet
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GGD, we are here for you. Everyone here are good listeners and will support you.

I know what you mean about not embracing womanhood. I'm not gay either, but I don't define myself as being a woman. I wear feminine things on occasion, but I'm most comfortable in genderless, comfortable clothing.

Maybe going to counseling, with your husband if he'll go, or without him if he won't will help sort things out.

Bottom line, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. Your husband will have to decide if the nebulous idea of a family with kids is worth leaving his stable life with you to go and maybe/possibly find for himself. I personally don't understand leaving a situation I'm otherwise happy with to go and maybe/maybe not get the undefined situation I think I want/need to be completely happy. Maybe ask him WHY he wants kids? Is it to carry on the family name, etc.? Or is it because he wants to make a positive impact in a young person's life and guide that person into a responsible adulthood?

Anyway, post away, we'll listen and advise if you want. We're here for you.

Cindy

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