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I came across this quote by Rose Kennedy - the mother of JFK.

It rings bells for me, but I wondered what others think of it?

Here is the quote:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
Rose Kennedy
US wife of Joseph Patrick Kennedy Sr. (1890 - 1995)



AF.

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very true, i don't think time heals all wounds, i think our ability to deal with the wound changes. It's all about gaining a perspective taking what you can from the pain & moving on!

GREAT QUOTE!!



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I agree with this. Time never heals.

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Excellent quote and from someone who should know! Time eases pain and can allows us to deal with its causes if we choose to, but it can also fester and turn our pain into an infected wound.

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Yes. A wound that never heals.

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I don't think this is helpful.

Most people presently have some wounds that are not at present, healed, so of course we could easily assume this. But that doesn't mean these wounds can't be healed in the future and surely a large factor in whether they will ever heal well or not is whether or not you believe it possible!!! If you believe the quote above, you are closing off that possibility.

If you think it impossible to heal your wounds, then consider people like Oprah Winfrey... who is not only hugely successful but is also happy. Some people, like her, refuse to to set limitations like the quote above, and refuse to say how far they can go because of their wounds. Consider these words by Oprah:

"Whatever you focus on, increases!"

That includes wounds and victimization. If you focus on your wound it will be there to the degree you dwell on that pain. She chose instead to find value in what her wound could allow her to do [for Oprah, it was sexual molestation and rape, and the death of an unborn child caused by that rape at age 13]. What did she use it for? She used it to teach her compassion for others and drive her to help them, but particularly young women.

It isn't necessarily easy to heal deep wounds but it is definitely possible, for i have seen examples of people who have done it. Sometimes we know people who have such wounds but we don't know they have healed them because there are no outward signs any more of the wounds.

I urge you, even though the quote above is tempting, to not give it weight, because it is not helpful to you. I would not wish for any of you to keep your wounds on the belief they will not heal.

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Well said Holly. Even scar tissue disappears after time - speaking physiologically.

Kerryanne.

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Originally Posted By: hollyelise
I don't think this is helpful.

Most people presently have some wounds that are not at present, healed, so of course we could easily assume this. But that doesn't mean these wounds can't be healed in the future and surely a large factor in whether they will ever heal well or not is whether or not you believe it possible!!! If you believe the quote above, you are closing off that possibility.

If you think it impossible to heal your wounds, then consider people like Oprah Winfrey... who is not only hugely successful but is also happy. Some people, like her, refuse to to set limitations like the quote above, and refuse to say how far they can go because of their wounds. Consider these words by Oprah:

"Whatever you focus on, increases!"

That includes wounds and victimization. If you focus on your wound it will be there to the degree you dwell on that pain. She chose instead to find value in what her wound could allow her to do [for Oprah, it was sexual molestation and rape, and the death of an unborn child caused by that rape at age 13]. What did she use it for? She used it to teach her compassion for others and drive her to help them, but particularly young women.

It isn't necessarily easy to heal deep wounds but it is definitely possible, for i have seen examples of people who have done it. Sometimes we know people who have such wounds but we don't know they have healed them because there are no outward signs any more of the wounds.

I urge you, even though the quote above is tempting, to not give it weight, because it is not helpful to you. I would not wish for any of you to keep your wounds on the belief they will not heal.


Holly, you have put a new light on the subject. Thanks.

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Originally Posted By: anndidetal
Well said Holly. Even scar tissue disappears after time - speaking physiologically.


I'm not so sure about that. I'd have to disagree on the 'scar' bit! My grand-dad had a scar from a war wound, and you could still clearly see it when he died at 90. Also, he never really got over the horrors he saw and experienced. I still have scars from boils that are faded, but not gone after 30 years!

I think it is true that 'time' doesn't heal. It is the treatment we receive which heals. If it is emotional damage, then the healing surely depends on how soon we get help, and the quality of that help as well as our own attitude.

Some things you never really 'get over'. I don't know that this means you haven't healed though. It depends on what our definition is of healing. You don't get over the loss of a child. That hurt remains for life in those I know who have experienced it. Also, you never really get over a murder/suicide in your family. (My cousin shot his girlfriend, then shot himself) You do learn to cope, and to accept, and to get on with life though. Is that the same as being healed?

I suppose it depends on what has happened in your life. I have a family member who will never heal from being shaken as a child, because she has brain damage. That's never going to change.

I think it's great to be optimistic, but I think we have to be realistic too, and not all cases are the same and won't necessarily respond the same.

Perhaps it is more a case of changing what we can?

AF.




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Robbins speaks about channels in brain. If they are not used to recollect something, it disappears over time.

Both sides are right. Wounds do not heal.
But we can surely reduce the pain.
All easier said then done. Takes lot of determination.

But yes, it becomes easy if we get something else to work upon passionately. Then the past may suddenly begin looking very insignificant.

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Just my opinion...

Wounds, whether physical, emotional or psychological, always leave a mark on us. It's something you can't erase anymore even as time goes by. But you have a choice whether to look at it as a badge of courage or something to be humiliated about. If you choose the former, then this wound can give a positive effect on your life. You learn from these wounds and rebuild yourself from this pain. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

On the other hand, if you see this wound as something hideous and humiliating, then this will have the opposite effect: you live in eternal depression. You thrive in pain. You lose yourself in the process. That's the downside.

Bottomline, scars form as time passes by, that is inevitable, but how you deal with the pain and the healing process is what really matters.

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What if the wounds were humiliating to begin with?

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That doesn't mean they have to be humiliating in the end! You may not have been in control when they happened, but you can be now! You can determine the end result!

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I am sorry AF, I did not mean to imply that scars do not remain. I was trying to say that we can learn to accept what has been, and that if we see these things as challenges to overcome, and become stronger, we can move on in our lives.

I have experienced things which left me with legacies which will be with me all my life. I just didn't want to speak of these because I did not want anyone to feel discouraged. Also, had I received help early in my life, the outcome may have been very different.

We are discussing the present, - how things are now, and not 60 years ago! It is a very different situation nowdays, and there is hope for those who have suffered serious trauma.

I hope I have corrected any misconceptions I may have created by that post.

Kerryanne.


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Originally Posted By: Manjari
What if the wounds were humiliating to begin with?


One thing i thank my mother for, is that she showed me how she respected all human beings, no matter what their condition... if they were poor, ignorant, ill, alcoholic, old, dirty, infirmed, silly, ...anything. She would give them as much respect as anyone else. I have tears in my eyes thinking of it. She knew how to see the real value of human beings... in all human beings... that we are all worthy of respect no matter what our state. I hope some day i am that good to people.

Humilation is a hard emotion...

but usually when we find ourselves in such conditions, it isn't something we chose to happen, is it?

Your circumstances or past circumstances do not reflect your value or dignity as a person, or the respect to which you are entitled.

I just looked up the words humiliation, humility and humble in my dictionary and it is very interesting... i will highlight the part i found most interesting:

humiliate - to hurt the pride or dignity of by causing to be or seem foolish or contemptible; mortify. SYN. see degrade.

humility - the state or quality of being humble; absence of pride or self-assertion.

humble: in a favorable sense, suggests an unassuming character in which there is an absence of pride and assertiveness (a humble genius) and, unfavorably, connotes an almost abject lack of self-respect.

...so what i am seeing in this is when we feel humilated, in spite of not being given due respect by others and perhaps more because of it, we should seek to give respect to ourselves and feel respect for ourselves and our inherent dignity that is beyond our circumstances.

Easier said than done, i know.


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Right Holly. I was humiliated some times and memories surge in . But I quickly assess my worth again and try to forget it.

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Manjari, have you ever read Victor Frankyl's, Man's Search for Meaning...? He was quite a remarkable man. He was a survivor of the Auschwitz camp... and a very thoughtful psychologist. He studied what it was that made a difference between those who survived the horrors of the camp, and the many who didn't, and observed that though the inmates did not have liberty... some were more free than the camp guards. He has many profound insights in the book, and it is often listed as one of the top 100 most significant books ever written. I thought of this book particularly, because Auschwitz was certainly an intensely humiliating experience for the prisoners, and yet Frankyl speaks in the book of the great dignity of some of the prisoners. It is a very moving and insightful book.

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Personally I don't think its a negative quote, I don't take it that way, even though I agree with it.
I don't see myself as a victim, and I am happy but I take the quote in the sense that its the scars of life that give us character and motivation to do better.

I look at it in the sense that the scars can be seen as a reminder. Notice I said reminder not focus on your scars and wound & use that as an excuse as to why you can't do better & why you can't move forward but to use them as a way of pushing yourself to do well.

That's the sense I've taken it in. It's all about perspective and the way each individual perceives the quote. Hopefully in a postive way!



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Originally Posted By: Anastasia-Beauty B's
Personally I don't think its a negative quote, I don't take it that way, even though I agree with it.
I don't see myself as a victim, and I am happy but I take the quote in the sense that its the scars of life that give us character and motivation to do better.

I look at it in the sense that the scars can be seen as a reminder. Notice I said reminder not focus on your scars and wound & use that as an excuse as to why you can't do better & why you can't move forward but to use them as a way of pushing yourself to do well.

That's the sense I've taken it in. It's all about perspective and the way each individual perceives the quote. Hopefully in a postive way!


True. It will also depend upon the kind of scars we have.

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I think its a great quote myself, Take the death of my son in 1985, i will aways have the pain of losing him but over the years i handle it differently


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PERCEPTION. In life, it is always a matter of perception. The differences come from who's eyes you are looking. Another person's perception does not make it so. Look from within. Your perception is the one that matters!

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That's interesting. Where did you find that quote?

laugh I wish i could trust seeing through my own eyes made it so. hahahaha. But i fear that does not make it so, either.

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I guess it's my own. It's the way I look at things. From my eyes, it's one way, but from someone else's it may be totally different. Maybe it comes from the glass half empty, half full thing. My difficulty comes from determining whose eyes matter at the time!

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I think it's very good.

So often we get caught up by someone else's criticism of us or something like that before we even stop to think if it's true.

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I think if we find a way to always use our own eyes first, assuming we keep the rose-colored glasses off, we would find our pot of gold. My selfesteem is always highest when I trust my own eyes.

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Good point. It's generally about trusting yourself, isn't it? Trusting your own judgment and desires.

What are you doing today Sue?

We've both been in sort of not-a-good-place this week, haven't we? I'm trying to get some writing done and work in the room today, and to get my mood happy and playful again.

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Not great, huh? I double kick myself because I've known this day was coming for the past 18 years. It shouldn't be this difficult. Regardless, today the sun shines. One day at a time. I'll get back to you on the art stuff. Hey, thanks, Holly!

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Don't worry about that. Just don't let yourself get frozen up right now.

Try to have fun taking action. Look at it this way... what have you got to lose, eh? ---let that free you up. Any direction is better than getting to scared to take action.

Did you see the post i made where i suggested you might look into jobs that offer room and board? What did you think of that idea?

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I'm pretty independent when it comes to living arrangements. I could live in a cardboard box as long as it was mine. I think I'll be able to manage a 2bdrm apartment. All I have to do is decide where and do it. I just can't deal with deciding. My stomach starts churning and panic sets in. I've had panic attacks before, but not over something like this. I should be able to do this. I've done it umpteen times before!

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pretty good


Live life to the fullest...and look good doing it
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Hi glamgurl!! It's nice to see a new face around here... glad you joined us.

Sue (nadaurz), i really enjoy living with a house mate. It takes the pressure off of finances, but even without that, i just like the company! A housemate keeps me sane (and makes me a better housekeeper, LOL!) When i have a housemate, i have about $350 extra dollars a month. That makes a huge difference.

Did you see the thing i posted in the stress management section about panic attacks? It's in the "quick fixes" thread.

Do you know what it is about deciding that is making you feel afraid? It really isn't forever, you know. Most likely you'll love any place you choose, but if you don't, you're allowed to change your mind! It's not the end of the world! You'd just relocate. You can do this, Sue. smile

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It is imp. that we have confidence that we can attempt new things if what we do goes wrong.

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So true, CD! I've been feeling fear of making the wrong choice when I should be feeling excitement of a new day. If I make a "wrong" choice, it doesn't mean I'm stuck with it, right? So...the only truly wrong choice is to not make one. It's time to start the new day! Today I am optimistic, tomorrow we'll see.

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Holly, I'm afraid of making a bad situation worse when I'm already at my limit. Silly, huh? My life would have been a breeze had it not been for me! I seem to make even the simpilist of things difficult for myself.

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How do you propose to correct that?

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That's where I am at a loss. I am afraid of my choices and that causes the panic and anxiety. Too many times, I've jumped in head first, only to remember I don't know how to swim.

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That is difficult to solve Sue.
If you are not sure of anything and also worried that you will fail with every new choice you make, pl. surrender to almighty and ask for guidance. No amount of discussion will help.

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Sue, look at what you HAVE BEEN DOING that has been positive. Don't forget that you are already on your way. You are packing some of your stuff. That is a BIG STEP!! You may not know what your next step will be, but at least you are moving forward. That is good. It doesn't seem like you are just jumping into something new, either. You are very calmly, collectively and quietly gathering information and weighing your options. THAT IS VEY GOOD!

With your boyfriend away for a month at a time, you have plenty of time to organize your thoughts, your belongings and plan your next step. Before you can move, you need to decide where you would LOVE to be, if you could go anywhere. (I read that you would like to be in SD) I know that right now that is a dream, because you want to stay where you are until your daughter finishes this year of college. But it is okay to DREAM! Because, while you are dreaming, you can also be making some long range plans with your finances. You actually have time to save some money while you are taking your time packing up (or de-cluttering as we all need to do). wink When the time comes, you will be much happier if you have saved a little bit of money to get some extra things that you need or want AND to help you move.

So, don't sweat anything that you are doing because it looks to me like you are on a pretty good time line for yourself. You really aren't jumping into anything or OUT OF ANYTHING. I know that you love your boyfriend but you want more out of life for yourself and more committment and recognition from him. All that you are doing right now is tring to keep your senses, and maybe it WILL BE enough to make him realize that you should be number one. Hey, if he doesn't realize that, then you are ahead of the game and you will be ready to make some kind of move. The good thing is that you don't need to do anything in a hurry. You have time. Take a deep breath and do something that you enjoy. Then get back to thinking. There real is plenty of time.!! smile

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That's a matter of perception, CD, and I respect your opinion, but I believe discussion, when done with an open mind, can always hold the potential to help. For me, a closed mind and blind faith leads to a brick wall. Discussion helps uncertainty. I wasn't looking for "THE ANSWER", just options.

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Thanks, Trish, for reminding me that nothing has to be set in stone.. I think my anxiety comes from being unsettled, but I need to remember that unsettled is better than being stuck in something worse just because I settled. You have a good heart. Thanks for sharing it with me today!

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That's right, Sue. You have plenty of time. So just take all the time that you need and when you need reassurance, we'll be here for you!! So if you could live anywhere, where do you think it would be? I have a couple of places that I would love to try, if money were no object. Arizona would be one place because the weather is supposed to be so good. The dry air would be good for our lungs, too! wink There is a whole town our age that bikes and hikes and enjoys the weather. That would be pretty cool. I have no idea what kind of jobs and money there might be though.

Trish

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Sue,
If you believe that you will be able to take steps I would advise that you take action and be prepared for the results. that is the only way to remove anxiety.

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CD has used the above method to take you out of your state. He has done that with many people and found success. When somebody says that he/she is totally helpless and can do nothing, he says this. That opens other doors.

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Originally Posted By: nadaurz
Thanks, Trish, for reminding me that nothing has to be set in stone.. I think my anxiety comes from being unsettled, but I need to remember that unsettled is better than being stuck in something worse just because I settled. You have a good heart. Thanks for sharing it with me today!


Sue, I appreciate your efforts. But I have found that by surrendering and asking for help it comes. I got out of my biggest disaster that way only. I prayed fervently and was shown the way.
I continue that even now and get guidance at every step.

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CDM, I TOTALLY agree with you on the first part, but not the last part.

~~~~~~~~~~~ quote:"If you are not sure of anything and also worried that you will fail with every new choice you make, pl. surrender to almighty and ask for guidance. No amount of discussion will help." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is ALWAYS the first thing I do, to ask the Almighty for guidance. I think Sue was having a problem with you saying that "no amount of discussion will help". Sue NEEDS US to listen to her, let her talk through her dilemma, add our thoughts, so SHE can discuss DIFFERENT possibilities with us. I think it MUST BE hard when your children are grown and you want and need to make improvements in your life but you have nobody around to talk to. Remember her boyfriend travels with his job? I think that is what Sue was implying. (Sorry Sue for speaking for you, but I wanted to let CD know that I agree with part of what he told you.) wink

Manjari, I know that CDMs method WILL bring success. You are right!

Trish

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hi Trish,

You are cute!

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Discussion may at least give us some clue.

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Sue, correct me if i'm wrong, but what i think i'm hearing from you is that you're getting anxiety when you try to make some decisions... and that is because you don't trust yourself to make the right decisions?

Sometimes i have felt this way about myself. It's a difficult "space" to be in, because it just makes a person want to freeze up.

I think what cd was trying to say, is when you find you can't trust yourself, then trust a higher force. I know this works for many people. It re-routes around the self-doubt.

But i would also say, Sue, that you've got to learn to trust yourself again. Trust isn't about having guarantees you'll always make the right decisions. None of us has guarantees, Sue. It's more about love and belief in yourself, and you need that more than anything.


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None of our decisions can always be right. Law of porobabilty always works. Have some faith in your thinking and leave rest to chances. Sometimes that works wonderfully.

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And that probability would go more in our favor when we are comfortable with changing things that aren't working well, correct? ...as opposed to sticking with a plan that clearly is not wonderful.

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Keep changing plan as it evolves.

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I agree with it!

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