hey guys:

I am new to the forum and I was hoping I could have some help trying to figure out what to do with my life. I know many of you think that pornography is something that is harmless and very common among men because they are all "visually wired". Even though I do understand the physical attraction men feel to women regardless of how much they love their spouses, there is a point where this constant chase for pornography becomes an addiction.

I have been married for a little more than 2 years. I am pretty young, 22, and I am about to finish college. He is older, 35. When I married him I did not know he was into that kind of stuff. I abandoned my life and my family in another country to follow this love and it's been 3 years he can't seem to control his needs for pornography.

He started with web porn, then videos, call lines...The main problem is that he denies all that no matter how much you throw in his face. He says he wants to change, but he can't seem to convince himself of the damage pronography is causing in his life. It is hard to find help for him because most people don't see pornography as an addiction, so there aren't any "rehab" for people that are addicted to sex.

I am young, intelligent and I have a very succesful career in front of me. However, I feel that the more I get hurt by finding out the things he does behind my back, the more I lose my self-confidence. I went from being in the best student in my country's best college to someone that is totally unhappy and cheated on. I need to move on, but I still love him.

I have been forgiving him for the past 3 years, but I kinda feel that I have had enough. I can't stend being cheated on anymore. I am just looking for someone to tell me whether I am right or wrong. Is love really worth it all the pain and lies? Does anybody see or have a special story to share with me aboout husbands/wives and pornography?

Just please do not try to justify pornography because I really can't buy it. I have experience the damage it cause in one's life.

Thank you all.

thatha

When porn is a sometime thing for most couples to watch together, it adds a bit of spice to a relationship. Your husband's problem is that he is addicted and very much so.

It is true that men are more visual than women, but watching porn alone all the time means someone has developed a relationship with the images instead of a flesh and blood person.

There are mental health clinics which deal with this problem. You are mistaken when you say most people don;t see porn as an addiction. The mental health associations see excessive porn, (your husband's case), very much as an addiction.

Also, may I add that if what one partner is doing adversely affects the other partner, there is a serious problem. He is hurting you. Tell him to seek help...now

I think the main issue is the hiding and lying. My hubby and I both enjoy porn, and not always together. But we never hide it and we never lie about it. But if your hubby's attitude and actions are making you miserable, it's obviously a big issue. If you can't both come to some compromise, then it sounds like you won't be happy in the relationship again. You should both make an effort, and if it doesn't take...move on. My opinion, obviously.

Thatha--I agree with you that porn is a problem. People claim it is ok to use in the context of promoting their own sex lives; but, at the very least, that does not address the degradation the porn industry encompasses. When a person purchases/rents porn, they support that industry. The disconnect between right and wrong amazes me. It reminds me of people who buy "recreational" drugs from murderous thugs. Who do they think is spending their money?

Anyway, in your case, my opinion is that your husband is completely disregarding your feelings. To me, that's a form of infidelity. He has crossed the line by continually disregarding your feelings. You owe it to yourself to distance yourself from anyone willing to ignore you that way. It doesn't matter how much you think you love him. He's not demonstrating love for you. You are probably in a one-sided relationship. That being the case, you would be perfectly sane to take steps to protect your own ego. If that includes divorce, you should not feel guilty.

Don't feel obligated to spend your whole life overlooking his self-centered, insensitive behavior.

Good points, Cela!

Thatha, don't waste anymore of your time trying to rehabilitate him. Obviously, you are less important than his hobby. You said he is 13 ( maybe a clue) years older and you have abandoned your family and country to follow his love. Maybe it is time to reclaim YOUR life and roots.

You said it yourself that you are "young, intelligent and have a very succesful career in front of me". I certainly am never one to advocate a person give up on a marriage, but you have given up your family, your country and now your love to a man who can't help himself. I say that once you finish college, you move back to your country and back by your family. Next time, take plenty of time to get to know a person BEFORE you get married.

Good Luck!

Trish

Thank you guys for the responses. I will definitely take all that in. My husband, for the first time, started with counseling and other stuff, but I think I have a clear picture of what I want for myself and for my life!

I do wish him the best.

Wow.
This forum should not be considered a Marriage Help forum. It should be called "I want to divorce my husband, and want someone to agree with me" forum.
This is the second such topic I've replied to, with the same people regurgitating the same responses. "Its all HIS fault", "Divorce him" and now, my personal favorite "Use him until you finish college, then divorce him".
Now, it seems like you had your mind made up LONG before you posted here. But on the very slim chance that you DIDNT, here's my take (for what its worth).
Pornography CAN be an addiction. Whether or not your husband is an addict is not for me to decide. However, on the scale of addictions, pornography lies wayyy down at the bottom of MY list of problem addictions. Slightly higher than Ice Cream, WAY lower than Heroin.
You cant understand why he would hide the fact that he likes porn. Thats very simple to answer. By your own statement, "Just please do not try to justify pornography because I really can't buy it." You dont LIKE porn. NO BIG DEAL! But your HUSBAND does. And since you DONT like it, he has decided to spare countless arguments by hiding it from you. This is a typical male response. Trust me on this one, I have the required genitalia.
If you would have ever shown a bit of interest (or at the very least, a grudging acceptance) of pornography, then perhaps he would not have to hide this, and it may have been an interesting tool to add to your sex life.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle:
Always, on a forum about relationships (especially dealing with marriage), what is written is only an approximation of the truth. I think the truth is that you got married young to someone who could take you places. You got married for convenience, not love. Now, you have nearly finished college, and you are 22 years old, you have used up the convenience in the relationship and are ready to move on. I truly doubt that pornography had ANYthing to do with it one way or the other. In that case, you have already attained what you wanted, and the only course of action is divorce.
If I am wrong (I dont think I am), then pornography is HARDLY a reason for divorce. Help the guy out if he needs help. Seek counseling for him as well as yourself. Dont let others who have wrecked their relationships persuade you to do the same to YOURS.
Anyway, thats my $.02.
PEACE
GuitarLord

The theme of this forum is "We listen and we don't judge."
Please adhere to our policy.

Posters come here from all areas and some have no where else to vent. While you can certainly express your opinions and counsel, courtesy and compassion are expected.

Kristen,
I couldnt agree with you more, actually. When I post, I have the best of intentions in mind, even though my opinions usually fly in the face of what is apparently normal around here.
However, having folks cut and paste the word DIVORCE from topic to topic is infuriating! People have to understand that these types of forums influence people! Trust me, I have a LOT of experience in this area. So, when someone casually tosses "divorce" around like its yesterday news, you have to forgive my temper rising.
You mention compassion, but I havent seen very much TRUE compassion on this site. True compassion would take into account MORE than the posters feelings. Remember, a marriage takes TWO people and HARD WORK to remain a happy one.
You also mentioned courtesy. I have seen lots of that on this site. It seems nice, I guess, and I've NEVER been accused of having much of it. So in this respect, I would have to cry your pardon. However, my biggest concern would not be being courteous, it would be having these folks that have problems to seek an amicable solution. Now, I DO understand that divorce is a solution, but in a marriage, it should be the FINAL solution. When all other avenues have failed.
I will continue to give my opinions in the way that I feel best brings home my point. If it is not appreciated, by all means, kick me off of the site. I am far too old to care more about site membership than to try to really help someone. Until then, I will not 'tone down' my responses because they don't suit your definitions of courtesy or compassion.

GL, have you checked out any other answers on this forum, other than this one concerning porn? I really think you should check some of the other people's concerns and how the regulars have answered their questions or pleas for help and understanding.

I think it is difficult to make a generalization about how the people here respond when you have only responded to this one topic. You said, "Help the guy out if he needs help. Seek counseling for him as well as yourself. Dont let others who have wrecked their relationships persuade you to do the same to YOURS."

She said that she has tried, "it's been 3 years he can't seem to control his needs for pornography." and "It is hard to find help for him because most people don't see pornography as an addiction, so there aren't any "rehab" for people that are addicted to sex"

As far as people on Bella giving advice on Bella, many, MANY of us have been married for over 20 years. I have been married for almost 30 years and I am always the first to give advice on working things out, but not this time. She is too young and has too many things going against the marriage for it to work. It seems like he doesn't want it to and she doesn't either. In your own words, you "think the truth is that you got married young to someone who could take you places. You got married for convenience, not love. Now, you have nearly finished college, and you are 22 years old, you have used up the convenience in the relationship and are ready to move on." I don't know about the fact that she is "ready to move on" or your next statement that you doubt that porn has anything to do with it.

You can give your opinion, just like us, without being sarcastic or rude to any of us about "copying and pasting", tossing divorce around, regurgitating the same responses about it being "his" fault, and you having the correct "genitalia", whatever THAT was to prove or validate. We try to offer help, with truth and humor, and we TRY to that without being loud or obnoxious to anybody. We invite you to add your 2cents and to back it up with any experience that you might have had, so that you might sway the reader or any one of us toward your way of thinking.

Peace and harmony,

Trish