BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids sick of MIL

I'm new and have been lurking here for awhile. I'm so glad I found this site! The guilt I've been feeling since I turned 35 and still have no desire to have a baby has been eating me up!

I started to reach my boiling point when my husband told my MIL that we were looking for breeders for a puppy(we have been wanting a Siberian Husky for 10 years). Her response was first, silence. Then she said,"So that's what you're future holds..a dog?" Then, when he tried to say that we were going to meet a puppy, she said she didn't want to hear about anything unless we were going to tell her we were pregnant! A few weeks later, he showed video of the puppy, she said she wouldn't hate it, it was just that she really wanted a baby! Then today she was blathering about cashing in my husband's insurance policy they have paid on since he was a kid and she said how she was planning on us having a kid and giving the policy to it, but we weren't going to have one so he might as well cash it in. She then later accused me of thinking only of myself regarding another topic. She also fawns over babies whenever we are out with them and stops our friends, fawns over their kids and proceeds to say how she wishes we would have one. Just shut up already! She is [censored] because I don't want to get pregnant(my husband would like a baby, but he feels it's me that would be suffering having to be pregnant and all and going through childbirth, so he can't impose it on me)and my brother-in-law is gay. She tells him how his ex-girlfriend's children could have been her grandchildren and stuff. Yet she sure likes the big fat checks he gives her because he is free to travel the country for his job and makes good money!

I have had it with her and am starting to get into arguments with her which I've never done before. She made me sick to my stomach today. I just get so aggravated knowing that she passes judgement on my decisions.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I would tell her in a calm, straightforward manner that you two do not owe her a grandchild. She raised her kids to make their own decisions and now she's got to respect that your husband and you have made one and to back off. I personally feel like he should handle this as an intermediary, but I get the impression you see her more.

Her son did not marry you just so his mother would have a fresh baby factory in the family! She needs to be reminded that it's your life, not hers. If a reminder doesn't work, I'd avoid her for a bit. Maybe she'll realize that having you and her son around is worth something more than a grandchild dream.

This may be too extreme for you, it's just what I'd do. I'm kind of extreme in some of my responses to family. I hope you can get through to her in whatever way suits you and your husband best. Good luck and welcome!

I agree with everything MB has said, except...it really is your hubby's job to deal with his mother in this way, and his job to draw the line.

Good luck.

My MIL already has 5 grandkids, and even if she didn't I get the impression she would respect our decision not to have kids.

My step-mom on the other hand will not listen to me when I say we are not having kids. The more I say, we're not having kids, the more she tries to pressure me into having one (or three). Giving stern talks about responsibility and what not. The 2 wild things are, she has no bio kids of her own. So she never had any kids. And I'm not even married yet (though my boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years).

One time we had a conversation that went something like this:

Her: When you have kids...
Me: *interupting* WHAT kids?
Her: The one's you'll have... They can come stay with us on the farm, and you can visit them on the weekends"
Me: That would be an awefully long drive from Florida (they live in Texas)
Her: Oh, you probably won't still be living in Florida by then

I was floored, because I'm not having kids, if I did I would NOT send them to my crazy parent's house for extended periods of time, and we will NEVER live close enough to drive to West Texas on the weekends.

I have found no way to deal with her other than let her have her "fantasies". The more I try to stand up, the more she tries to bully me about it, and so I figure it's best to just ignore her everytime she talks about her future grandkids.

Worked for me. DH's crazy family (they put the "fun" in dysFUNctional) used to go on and on about us having kids. His dad/step-mom had this whole crazy plan worked out where we'd all move to FL in one big happy commune (them + their 6 kids and spouses + all the babies we would all have). It did no good to argue, so it was much easier to let them live in their fantasy world. It eventually crashed around them - and THEY ended up getting a divorce (in part) over friction between step-mom and dad's kids!! Oh the irony.

HI indysmom,
I emphatize with your situation. Last weekend, my boyfriend and I had a discussion about his mum's visit next week. She's very keen on having grandkids and have repeatedly asked him. She is a doctor, had the typical model looking scandinavian body and had her youngest kid at 40.

So in the end, we agreed that it is best for him to handle her and communicate our decision not to have kids to her. I agree with Bonsai that your husband should be the one handling his mum.

We decided that we will handle our respective mums on this topic. we agreed that we will state our decisions and ask them to respect it. We agreed that we will not try to justify. Instead we accept that our mums will not understand but they have to respect our choices. Once we get into justification, we give in to the idea that they're part of that decision-making.
They are not.

thanks everyone for your insight. i guess i just have to grin and bear it like i have been. i think my husband has been deflecting things for a few years and has privately told her to back-off, but she still has to get her little quips in. I wish i had one of my own, but i'm not that quick on my feet and she ambushes me before i even knew she attacked.

since she stomped on our decision to get a puppy, i have been trying to avoid them as much as possible. we live close to them unfortunately, and my hubby has to be in contact with them every day. I refuse to pick up the phone now when they call. i'm the kind of person who once someone steps on me, i'm done with them.

i,ve also had to pretty much write off my own mother because of this issue also. I called her for support during a HUGE panic attack(I'm on meds for anxiety/depression issues-what a candidate for a mom right?)and she told me to go and have a baby so i would worry about someone besides myself. This coming from a woman who spent many of my younger years in a depression and spent my teenage years sleeping around on my dad!Now, she can't even bother to call me and if i catch her at home, she can't even give me 5 minutes of her time. What a mother figure! I know she feels guilty that it's because of her that i don't want to have kids because she always asks me. i brush it off to not hurt her feelings, but it is a part of it. If motherhood is so miraculous, why does she treat me like this? I have seen too many of my students be abused in some way or another for me to buy the reasons people tell me to have kids. I don't think all of the terrible things done by humanity through history were all childless. So where's the miracle if it's so life altering and fufilling?

why do we get accused of being selfish, by people who want us to have children for their needs and wants? It's this kind of hypocrisy in the world that makes me NOT want a child, because it would then have to deal with all this garbage.

again thanks for the input and the support. it helps me keep my sanity to know i'm not alone.

WTF?!? what an insensitive remark. I'm appalled!

I'm not sure I have much to add, other than that I'm glad to hear your DH is trying to help. I agree with the pps that he should be the point person for that. Sorry you're still dealing with it!

You poor thing - just think though when you have the new puppy, you'll have less time and therefore won't be able to visit them as much. In our case, my partner stood up to his parents on the issue then they gave him the ultimatum to choose between them and me. It backfired for them and he chose me (apparently though it's all my fault for not wanting/being able to breed). At times it is just easier to completely get out of the situation. We're thinking of advertising for new parents!

By the way - you'll love having a Husky. We have two Malamutes and they are fantastic. All of the spitz breeds seem to have great personalities and are just fun to be around.

Focus on the great things that you have to look forward to and, if you need to, screen calls so that you don't have to deal with her being a negative influence on your life.

Indy,

Even if you wanted kids, I'd hesitate bringing them into a world with a grandma like that! I feel for you! Hopefully your new puppy will bring new joy (and challenges of course!) into your life and you'll be so busy with him (as Malamutes said above) that you won't have time to worry about your MIL.

Cindy, lovingly owned by three dogs (not Huskies though)