BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Emotionally Abusive Mothers

I clicked on this forum since it's titled "daughters". Anyway I will write my story but I would like to clarify upfront that I welcome only rational and fair opinions of especially daughters. All mothers who cannot be unbiased towards this topic, I urge you not to comment because I need constructive feedbacks.

I grew up with an emotional abusive mother. As a child, I was confused and had a miserable childhood. But one day, I discovered a book about emotional blackmail and abuse. I found myself having 95% of the symptoms and my mother meeting 99% of the criteria as an abuser.

Now I am entering my 30s, moved away from my country but I still suffer emotionally from communication with my mother.

Today, I had reached a new tolerance limit and is now trying to decide if I should stop communication with her. I have tried to explain to her, write to her, called her, showed her by example...nothing worked. Today I realized that nothing worked because she will never admit or see that she has a problem.
As she loses friends, siblings, my sister's love and other relationships, as she performs worse at work...the hole in her life is getting big. And from when I was born, my sister and I were expected to fill this hole. Since the hole is so big now...and I am a working adult with my own challenges, I no longer wish to try to fill up that hole. I am tired because my mother folds her arms and hope my sister and I will solve all her life's problems.

Another factor which brought me closer to my decision to cut ties is that my mother's influence and behaviour is causing hurt to my relationships and friendships. I have worked hard to build a normal life despite the abuses and I don't want to lose the relationships with others who have been supportive to me.
Anyone else in this situation? What should I do?

I can totally relate to this. I can't tell you what to do but the time I had no contact with my mother and her family (brothers and sisters) was the best. Some people won't change no matter how much you want them to or how much you beg or how much you try to explain to them how they are hurting you. They have their own agendas and cannot think outside themselves.

I say go for it. Give it a try. You said you live in another country? Just stop calling and taking messages. Change your phone number if you want. Give yourself a break. It sounds like you obviously need one. The break might do her some good too. It could be only a few months or a few years. I didn't talk or see my mother for 6 years. We have started writing letters a few times a year and when I'm in town I'll stop by for lunch. That's about all I can tolerate.

If you're thinking this is what you need then do it. Don't fill guilty for it. Don't overthink it.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you how I have dealt with my situation, which in some ways is very similar. I am in my 30's now, and in counseling, learning how to cope with what I have fought with for years. I am an only child, the daughter of a single schizophrenic parent. While I was growing up, I had lots of things projected on me, that she felt were inadequate in herself, and plenty of emotional abuse that left me at the time very confused. Over time I turned my confusion into a misconception that everyone felt the same way about me, very critical, and only able to accept me if I were "perfect". I joined the Army to get away from her, and I'll never move back to my home state, but to this day, almost 20 years later, she refuses to believe or admit that she is the root of the problem. I avoid contact with her because I will not allow her to manipulate or hurt my children in any way similar to the things she has done to me. Her thinking is so confused, she can hurt me with her offhanded comments, and never even notice how offensive she is being. It is really hard to decide how to deal with these type of things, personally, it's a struggle because all I have ever wanted is for her to just be my mom, but I have to learn that it will probably never be possible. These are all reasons why I go to counselling, it's really hard to let go of your mother.

Well, this is just my experience, I don't want to influence you in any way other than to offer some other point of view. I hope this helps.

Thanks everyone for your input. I am trying to read more on this and perhaps start counselling.

The 2 biggest reasons for my hesitation to stop contact are:-
1.That I am very close to my mum's side of the family i.e. my grandpa (her dad) and my aunties (her sisters).

Although I do not believe in some stupid traditional chinese values, they do. And if I cut ties with my mum, she'll make it hell for me when I visit my home country and the rest of the family. Moreover, if I cut ties, my sister will bear the rest of the suffering. And when I say suffering, believe me...it is suffering. My mother once drag me out of bed while I was sleeping by my hair. And I was way into my 20s at that time! The reason was just because I slept late on a Sunday...as good chinese girls do not sleep late!

The 2nd factor is that my mum will threaten to kill herself. She uses this every time I do not do what she wants. The only time I didn't give in to this threat was when I moved overseas. I am still thinking if I can live with the consequences of her killing herself. On one hand, I am thinking that she uses this threat because it works! On the other hand, I am thinking...I am not responsible for her life. She is.

So...I am still pondering...thinking...

Don't let the stigma of counseling turn you off. No one else has to know. I was scared to death when I started, but just the fact that you wrote to us shows that you want to talk about it. Counselors are nothing more than a person trained in listening. They have good ideas on occasion but more than that, they know how to deal with these problems that we don't. Not because we can't deal with these problems but because they are extaordinary problems, and we feel like no one else could understand. She is still manipulating you, learn how to cope with this, there is nothing wrong with that.

I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother in childhood and emotionally abused by her until I cut ties with her in 2005. It is so difficult at times dealing with this. I could no longer allow her to treat me like I was still 6, I could not allow her to do to my children what she used to do to me, I am an adult and I am responsible for myself and my children. My mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She will not admit she has a problem. She nearly died in 2004 if it weren't for me and my husband. But last time we talked she said I was a bad mother because my son's school couldn't get ahold of me or my husband when my son wet his pants in kindergarten. The school called her and asked her if she could bring him a change of clothes. She lives 10 minutes from my son's school. She wouldn't do it. she called me later that day, told me I was a bad mom and she was going to get custody of my kids. She also started promising my kids she was going to take them here and there and do this and that for them of couse she never followed through. Then she started showing favorites. She treated my son better then my daughter...she must have a problem with females. ANyways, If she is causing you to suffer, it is difficult but for your sanity, you made need to cut ties and explain to the other members of your family why. They may not like it but you have to do what is right for you.

I am wondering ... why does this happen with so many children. My mother still treats me like a 10 yr old. I am a married guy now. It becomes very difficult some times!!!!

I'm so sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mother.

I don't have any first-hand experience, however I have a book to recommend. It is one that I have heard mentioned many times, especially by women in situations just like yours. It's called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. If you look it up on Amazon.com, you'll see it's received many favorable reviews.

Good luck & ((hugs)) as you figure out what's best for you and your family.

~Jen

I'VE CATERED TO MY MOTHER ALMOST MY ENTIRE, excuse me, life. i've spent all my life blaming myself was unable to set boundaries, was most of the time unable to stand up for myself, protect myself, or be assertive. for the first time last christmas, i refused to go to my parents because i was realzing my bother and mother have ganged up on me since i was a teenager. both parents were verbally, emotionally abusive. my father was physically abusive. covert incest has been going on with both parents, i'm pretty sure, nearly my entire life. i've been used, abused, dictated to, steamrolled adnauseum by a lot of people. i worked from 12/1987 until 3/2000 with mainly white
raging, mysogonistic males. my father was like that growing up.
he was always angry at me. nothing i ever did growing up was right. at the v.a. that i worked at i experienced the same, nothing i ever said or did was right. people were only nice to me when they wanted something. otherwise they didn't give damn.
i've been seeing a therapist for about four years. one of the rights states, i'm not responsible for peoples problems financially or otherwise. many people just take, take, take, never say no, and keep on taking. i met a woman about 8 years ago and all she's done is string me along, be self absorbed, make a hell of a lot of empty promises, none she ever did, and she sucked over $7,000 dollars of stuff out of me, denies she took advantage of me and kept on taking and kept on asking and never ever daid no. i finally after 8 years and reading about my rights given to me by my therapist read the one to her that i'm not responsible for her and her grandson, she's responsible for her and her grandson, noone else is.
i've had years of misguided loyalty to my mother and stuff i've been reading i'm finally aT MIDLIFE MAKIiNG THE CONNECTION, excuse me, about manipulative, self centered, abusive, exploitive mothers and women. i'm sick to death of being used by single mothers. other single women i've met have been financially exploited by single mothers and single grandmothers. christ, they had the children, not me. i'm tired of being blamed by other people for what they do and being guilt tripped by people who want to use me. that neighbor tried to force herself on me and last fall tried to guilt trip me into continueing to be financially responsible for her. about the time my neighbor was forcing herself on me , my mother was pushing herself on me and both ripped me apart. i can't take people like either of them, or mysogonstic men anymore. none of these people own me, they are out of line. what is their problem, why the heck aren't they getting a clue?

do any of them have a conscience, common human decency or any kind of ethics at all? what my family of origin has done to me, i've never done to them. what i've been through with other people, for the most part i did not do to others. yes, i made mistakes, but i changed.

i know men or males, many have gone through a lot of [censored] with fathers and often mothers. there are two books out by beverly engel, published in 1990. i just read both recently. she's also published others, about 14-16. steven farmer hasd written a book about adults that were eemotionally, physically, or sexually abused by perents. victoria secunda wrote two books about daughters and abusive fathers and the second is about daughters and abusive mothers no they don't teach hate of mothers. they talk about adult daughters coping with abusive, controlling, overbearing, dictatorial, exploitive parents.
in one of beverly engel's books, she said she cut of from a selfsh abusive mother three years before the book was published. she did it and she writes about adult males and adult women cutting off from parents, who continue to abuse, be selfish, exploitive, controlling, etc.

since i've gone on line i've been reading about a large number of adult babyboomers, and people, older and younger are either cutting off entirely all contact with abusive parents and siblings or keeping a great deal of distance between them and the siblings and parents.