BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Any Advice?

So, I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and listening to some relaxing piano music hoping to find some advice. And before it goes into wine is not the answer, please note I have a 2 glass limit, as I have a very active 10 month old who likes to get up very early in the morning.
Okay, so here it is . . . I love my husband very much. When I met him I knew we would be together and it is hard to imagine being without him. We have been married for almost 4 years now, have a son, and we are having the same battle over and over again about his drinking and the money he spends while he is away from home. Both are not such an issue when he is home, but away . . . it's a different story altogether. He has been gone now for 3 months and he has been going through the money like there is no tomorrow spending a majority of it on going out with "the boys".
I have tried talking to him about this, also tried screaming, yelling, crying, begging, as this is not our first go round with these issues. It seems no matter what I say to him, I get the same "I'll do better, babe. Sorry. I'm just bored and I miss you guys." The answer sounds great but little comes of it. Nothing I say to him seems to matter. It goes in one ear, words to appease me from his mouth, then right back out the other side, as if I had never said anything to begin with. It makes me so angry. We have dealt with this before as I have said and nothing changes. Nothing.
Before he left this time, he promised me he was going to prove himself to me. Prove that he can be financially responsible and to watch his drinking especially as we have a son. I was happy to hear that but deep down I knew that this would most likely not end up the way I had wanted. That's hard to admit . . . knowing that a promise made by my husband would most likely not be kept. I tried being positive for him. I kept encouraging him, telling hime he was doing a good job and all that good wifely encouragement. I tried putting myself in his place, but for what? You know, I would have been happy if I would have seen that he tried,no matter how little, to keep his promise. That would have meant the world to me. But he didn't. Not even when I very calmly reminded him to watch his spending after I received the first month's statement. In fact, he spent more in the month that followed.
I confronted him the other day about the spending and although he was shocked by how much money he has racked up in the past few months, it was still "oh babe, I didn't know" (but he knew enough to put bar tabs on his credit card which he apparently doesn't think I look at????) or "I just miss you guys" "the problem will be solved in a bit, hon, I'll be home soon." Great, that solves the spending part, but what happens when he leaves again? Needless to say, we got in a huge fight, and after he told me not to worry about the money, we have enough to get by, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more. That was Wedneday. He has been calling up until tonight, but I do not know what to say to him that hasn't already been said. I mean let's face it, babies aren't exactly cheap and the way my husband has been spending, after bills and all, there isn't a while lot left over. You know I have no problem giving up things for my son, that's the way it should be. Why can't my husband see that? These past few months of balancing our son, work, bills, and everything else have been hard. I have a whole new respect for single moms out there. I do not know how you do it!
So tell me, am I just being a bitter wife because he is out living virtually without responsibilities, or is there some merit to my claim? Does any of this make any sense or it just the ramblings of someone who hasn't had a lot in the way of adult conversation lately?
Thanks for listening! I needed that!

Hi there,

I can't say that i have any solution to your problem. I do want to say that i empathise with you though. It sounds like you are running a home and taking care of a baby, and dealing with this money issue alone. It's hard when husbands/partners have to work away. But it's hard to be the one who stays at home too, and keeps the home fires burning. You also could say that you need to 'blow off steam' and i'm sure you miss your husband just as much as he misses you guys. But you're not going out every night and getting blotto trying to forget your problems. You see, as you already know, it's a choice! You could choose to just ignore the financial problems; but you know in your heart that there's nobody else to keep an eye on the finances. Your husband isn't going to do it; he's busy spending money as a quick fix to avoid dealing with whatever he's feeling.
My husband is inclined to spend money whenever he's feeling bad and wants to feel better. It's only a quick fix of course, but i'm tired of telling him that. In our case, we used to have joint finances but now we keep them separate and split mortgage/bills etc. It sounds callous, but at least i know that i have control over my own money, and i'm not going to discover the account is empty tomorrow.
In your case, i'm not sure what the best solution would be. You definitely need to secure a portion of his income for you, your baby, and your home. Is there any way you can do that?
Again, i really do feel for you. It's so difficult to be the responsible one all the time.

Although I am sorry to hear that you are going through similar things, I am glad that I am not the only one in this position. You could not have expressed my feelings better and I thank you for that. it's nice to hear that someone can relate to what I am talking about. I have thought about doing separate accounts, but with him being in the navy and gone often I do not know how that would work. It seems a good choice though. I guess at this point I just wish he would stand up and say something about us being the most important people in the world to him and that he would walk through fire to prove so. You know, the basic grovel at my feet routine, then actually producing what he says he will?? Keeping promises and the such. Although really, I don't know what I would say to him if he did do that. Terrible isn't it?

HI,
You are not bitter, just frustrated which is understandable. It does not sound like much of a marriage. It seems like you are a single parent too. Personally I would not want to live like this. It sounds to me that your husband does have a drinking problem & you can't rely on him. It is sad & bad enough to deal with alone. But when you have children it is worse. You can't go by what people say most of the time. You have to go by actions. He is making promises & things never change. So, you have to be the 1 to change them. That is hard to do but it can happen. If you are the only 1 paying for almost everything & he is never around then what do you need him for?

You can always try therapy but if he is never around he may not go. You can go by yourself. Or you can go to Al-Anon meetings since it seems like he is into drinking alot. Or you can stay with him & it will probably get worse. I sympathize with you. In the past I put up with alot of bad stuff & it is very hard to deal with when you have a small child. But I did take action when things did not change & became worse. I had to throw my husband out. Later on he changed for the better. But not everyone does. He will not be responsible if you keep paying for almost everything & covering up for him. I would be very angry about it. Anyone would not want to put up with this. He is in the navy so that is his job right now. But he should not spend most of the $ & since he is away so much it is not good for him to go out with the boys, when he should be with you & your child. It is good to love someone but you have to love yourself too. Nothing will change unless you do something to change it. I wish you the very best & good luck too. Judy K. Chicago (hot over here today!)

Don't give this person sex for some time. But, use this weapon carefully. This works here in India. I hope it works for you there too.. But, you too will need to control your self. My aunt successfully got my uncles chain smoking with this idea successfully. But, give him sex after a long resistance so he understands the pain and gets what he wants only after a long plea.

But don't misuse this weapon. Or things can have adverse reaction. Again trying to quit drinking is a big problem. You will need to be with him all the while when he tries to quit one.

Again, use this will all precautions as I know only one case workiing successfully..