BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Life Coaching Is history relevant?

It's something that i have thought of trying to do more.

Let me give you an example of one time it occurred to me. A couple of years ago i was speaking to my brother on the phone. My brother is ten years older than me, and so in many ways, i'm like an only child. I was just a toddler when he was a teenager and i have almost no memory of living with him.

He has often claimed that he does not have even a single happy memory with our father. I know this is not true. He has said his childhood was a horror, and he knows mine must have been worse. Some circumstances had changed when i was born, so there is cause for this second statement... and yet i DO have some happy memories with my father, so i know he must have some too that he is denying.

In my conversation with my brother on the phone, he said again not one nice thing occurred with him and our father and i only ever hear him say how miserable his childhood was. He also said that he did not have a single happy day with his second wife. I also suspect strongly that this is rubbish. I told him i thought it was so, but he'd just argue and insist not one happy memory. He had to have reasons to marry her and stay married to her for ten years. He has created and insisted upon a negative myth.

I have at times tried to do something of the opposite. I have a memory of one Sunday morning waking to the smell of homemade bread and coming downstairs... i might have been 6 or 7 years old, being given freshly baked, still warm bread out of my mother's oven, and my going to eat it on the hearth by a roaring fire while it snowed outside. It is a lovely memory. And i rather expect i have expanded it. I have caught myself saying this happened on Sundays when i grew up. I desperately try to remember everything my mother baked or cooked. It may have happened only once that i woke to baked bread, i really don't know. I do know that part of the reality is, my mother was quite a severe alcoholic for over 20 years. That most people can't drink that hard without killing themselves from related complications in about 6 years... for her doctor said so. I'm sure she was drunk far more mornings than she baked bread and i remember her drinking to passing out many days. But in my mind the bread baking happened often, and in my life today, i make bread most Sundays, and on cold days i sometimes eat it by a fire in the fireplace... for the memory. It is pleasure and it is love.

So....

My brother expanded the negative memories and blotted out the good ones. I am trying to do somewhat the opposite... perhaps not to blot out the bad, but at least diminish their importance and extent. My brother has much resentment and many problems with anger and depression because of his memories, and he also would never have much to do with me because i remind him of his childhood, and probably he's also angry with me for being born, because that's when our mother began to drink and he lost her.

I would like to take my memories further, and sew together good memories like a quilt and reconstruct my past so that it is happier and keeps me warm. I have good memories of both my father and mother. I can think of many good qualities they have.

I haven't decided yet how far i can take it. There are some truly horrible events in my past that give me trouble today. They still have power over my behavior today. Sometimes i react today in a way i don't wish, because of a past memory. I've wondered if i play around with rewriting the memory and making a new legend, if it might help me be free of the reach the dark memories have on me.

What do you think? I would appreciate thoughts in detail.

A glass can be half empty or half full... it depends on how you look at it. I think we all have heard a "fish tale"... a story that gets retold and gets better and better with each retelling.
My brother and i have both done this... just in opposite directions. I feel i have fared better.

Holly, we were discussing about reinterpreting the past. What you are saying is different.

You are filtering all the bad and trying to remember only good while your brother is doing the reverse.

If we look at a particular incident, can we reinterpret it in light of new experiences?

Holly, your brother is playing the role of a victim. He will always complain.

I don't see how filtering and reinterpretting are different. Can you explain?

I feel what i am doing is more a matter of focus, but maybe this is just semantics and it's all the same.

I think my brother actually no longer remembers the good because he's pushed it so hard with his anger.

I can remember the bad. And it comes up sometimes when stimulated. Or i might bring it up when it can help someone else. I just try to keep the good closer to me.

Two people can experience the same event and have different memories of it because they focus on different aspects. But if they speak to each other and add to their knowlege, either one might reinterpret the experience.

I guess i have done this some. Things i learned about my father's grandfather allowed me to be more forgiving and compassionate towards my father.

I'm just thinking out loud here and sort of meandering... i don't know if i'm going anywhere in particular with my thoughts.

Two people can experience the same event and have different memories of it because they focus on different aspects. But if they speak to each other and add to their knowlege, either one might reinterpret the experience.

This is correct.

Holly,

You can look at any incident in your past and react differently. That is done by looking at facts differently and experiencing behavior differently.

Okay. Let's try it. Do you have a suggestion of a memory or reaction i might wish to change?

Holly,

Think of your mother. Because of her you suffered greatly and child should suffer like that. That was wrong.

Now look at her as an individual with all the pluses and minuses.
Why did she do all that? Try to think of the reasons and may be you will find a human being who was in no position to give but in need of things herself.

Sometimes we can look at the same situation in our life, over and over again, and depending on how we feel, we react differently each time. Just like you say, CDM, people have pluses and minuses, and situations always have good and bad. I have found that if I look at any situation in my life, I try to remember the good parts. Some people only see the negative side of things and feel bad, but we can just as easily look for the good and feel very happy. Certainly my life was not just good times, but my collective feelings and memories of my life are good, because I choose to ignore the bad or negative things. It may appear that I have "rose colored glasses on", but because I want to be happy, I have found that looking at the pluses, the positives or the good things make me much happier than looking at the negative stuff, the minuses or the bad things.

Trish

A good suggestion. I was actually able to do that much earlier than i was able to do it with my father. I feel at peace with both of them now, but i still hold resentment towards my brother. Perhaps i should try to do that with him.

I think all the best people do that, Trish. You remind me of my friends B and S, who have each had great trials in their lives but are also remarkably happy and loving people. They are my role models.