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Parakeet
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Blessings and all wishes for the best!
Take care of YOU!!


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
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car Offline OP
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Hi everyone. I have an additional question. I was watching Dr. Phil last night. I think it was the first time I ever watched this show. It was a show on step-parenting. One couple was married and they had an ex wife on the show. The two women and the father were making accusations at each other. The new wife stated that the ex wife was just using the child to try to get her ex husband to divorce his present wife. Dr. Phil then put up a list of mistakes divorced parents make including using the children. He then said that if you use children and keep them from the other parent, they will eventually resent you etc. My husband and I watched this knowing our situation. I continue to wonder why women (or men) would contine to use their children to harm a subsequent marriage or for revenge if Dr. Phil is correct that eventually the children will learn the truth, confront and resent the parent doing this. Is this just people in our society doing what feels good in the short term for them? Thanks for your responses

Best Wishes to all of you.

Csr

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Parakeet
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I have known people to do terrible things using their children to get "even" with an ex-spouse. They can't let go and they are very immature.

One horror conversation I overheard at the college where I teach was a woman screaming at her ex that "You won't see your daughter again; I brought her into this world and I'll take her out of it!"

A fellow prof called security because we feared she might harm her child. She later said she was only trying to scare her ex and his rotten new wife.

A friend of mine had her ex-husband threaten to take their children out of the country when she told him she was getting married.

Imagine how cruel this is to the children to be used this way!


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
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car Offline OP
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Thanks Kristen. The comment regarding the woman at the university is truly chilling, as is the other incident. It is clear to me that there are persons that act like this regarding of education, income etc.

I am truly encouraged though because of the media attention these issues have been attracting. It appears people are beginning to realize this type of behavior is wrong and should be treated accordingly.

In my opinion if a man or a woman uses children in this manner they are emotionally injuring their children and it is my hope that one day society will hold them accountable. I think we are making excuses for their behavior if we exhibit sympathy for them or try to rationalize it.

I remember when I was younger that it was "ok" if someone drove after drinking too much because they may have had a tough day at work or some other excuse. Today thank God they are held accountable as they should be. It is my hope that men and women who use their children and cause them emotional damage, as well as damage to others will at some point be held accountable for the damage they inflict.

Car

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Ok, I may be off the wall here, but did you say that you had an affair with him, when he was married to her?

There's a past here, and I don't think I've heard it. Did she think she was "happily" married, then came you? I don't know, there's more to this. And honestly, if he had an affair with you, she has lost her love, her trust, her security, and her family. She's one angry woman.

She needs to move from point A to point B. But she's having trouble doing that. I don't want to assume, so I will ask. Was the entire situation really ugly from the beginning?

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Hello i-wonder. The answer to your question is our relationship started after they separated. The thing I find very curious is that she actually was very pleasant to me in the beginning and it was her not me who initiated the interaction. I remember thinking she was probably not happy in the marriage either.

It was not until after we were married that she really got aggessive. I lived in my home before we were married so I do not know if things between the two of them were ugly, although I would certainly think they were. She works in sales and it is my understanding will be moving to a state out West in the near future. The oldest child will soon be 18 and we will see what happens.

I do not know what she pereived she lost, but she has children that needed both parents to set an example. She has several beautiful children that are her "family" If a relationship does not work, I believe a person (man or woman) should learn lessons from the mistakes made by both persons and make every effort to live a happier life and no matter what else put their chidren above everything. Just because a person does not love his or her spouse and wants to end the marriage does not mean he or she does not love the children.

This is a side issue but I think a very pertinent one. I have read the experts say communication is key for a successful marriage. You also need to listen to your spouse and accept their feelings and thoughts and not only your own. How can one person be so miserable they want to end a marriage and have the other person be in "love"? A friend told me a story that someone she knew was married to a woman for eight years. For five of them she was having an affair with someone. She divorced the first husband and married the other man. Ten years later the woman and the second husband have two children. He on the other hand supposedly was blind-sided and has never emotionally recovered. My friend said his therapist told him that the signs were there but because of his desire and fantasies for a "happpy marriage" he only saw what he wanted to see, even though he admitted she told him a year after they were married she was not happy and contiued to tell him that. He was encouraged to get involved in activities and to believe in himself. The therapist said once he believed in himself, he could let go of the past and would open to love.

I do not think marriage should be taken lightly because there are always rough spots but neither should someone stay in a marriage where they are unhappy. I also believe if someone is unhappy they should say so and then either work on the marriage or agree to end it.

I have always told my husband that if he does not want to continue to try or in that matter, I do not continue to want to try we should each move on. I could never wish him any ill will. We have good days and bad days and are just trying to see where the future leads us. One thing we have working for us is that we talk all the time, maybe sometimes too much. My hope is that his daughter was only given Valtrex for a cold sore, and she and the rest of his children will one day know their father has always loved them. I think speaking with so many of you wonderful women has helped me also. Perhaps you all are helping me let go of the past pain and move on. Additionally, perhaps if she finds happiness and inner peace the bitterness in her heart will lift and she will not be involved in future destructive behavior. Thanks.

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Dez Offline
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I have a friend who'se ex-wife is constantly taking him to court for more child-support, less visitation, you name it. He jumped through all the hoops and even when he lost his good paying job it made no difference in what he was expected to pay. So then they're in court again and this time she is saying that his daughters are scared of him and begging to never see him again and requesting he go to anger management. My friend had enough with this accusation and stood up, and told the judge, "I've had enough. I've done everything I can do and it's never enough. I'm not doing anymore." He pointed to the ex-s current husband and said "just adopt them and when they're 18 they can seek me out. You win." The exwife had to backpeddle then and retract a lot of statements. It's too bad when things get to that level.

It does sound like a vendetta in your husbands case, but I have to add that you can't know what happened in their marriage to make things how they are. Nobody gets married because they hate someone, and oftentimes the kind of behavior you describe is really caused by hurt rather than true anger.

I had to think awhile before responding because my first reaction to your question "How can one person be so miserable they want to end a marriage and have the other person be in "love"? " was to be hurt. I think the answer is this: one partner is truely in love and trying to make things work while the other is playing the part and ready to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. The other partner thinks they are in love, but you can't love someone that you can cheat on, is my opinion. That's abuse, and you don't love someone you abuse. And in these cases, what you see is the tip of the iceburg so to speak. The one left behind is the hardest hit because they may have known there were problems but thought they could be worked on and were willing to give it the effort required. They can't just turn love off like a light switch.

I took this rather personally because I am the one left behind, though my split was quite a bit more traumatic than that. I was hit, I was sent to jail for nothing (no charges were even filed, he lied about everything) and the next day he runs off with the ex-gf. Great. How do you recover? Sure obviously there were problems, but my perspecive is that when I said "I do" it wasnt a whim. Didn't mean so much for him.

Dez

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car Offline OP
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Dez

I am so sorry for your pain. No woman or man should ever stay in a relationship involving abuse, physical or mental. You deserve better. Your relationship was very different than my husband's. Clearly in your situation it was you who was the victim. I hope your life has improved. Best Wishes


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Parakeet
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I agree with "car." Abusive relationships are another thing all together.

There are some people who simply can't let go of a situation or marriage that isn't working. It is sad for them and dangerous and painful for the new spouse.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
Author and Relationship Writer
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