BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Skydiving

We went away for the weekend (well, Fri-Sat.) As we were driving down the road, we saw a sign for skydiving.

It made me realize that the way I feel about skydiving is a perfect metaphor for how I feel about having children.

My husband has only been skydiving once, but he LOVED it, I would never try it (I'm afraid of heights.)

To me, I always feel a slight impulse just to try it once whenever I see that sign. But then I come back to reality. I realize that sure, it might sound like a good idea at the time, but once you jump, you JUMP and there is no going back.

And you'll either land safely or go splat. But the choice is not really yours. Of course, you WANT to land safely. But, you really have no control over whether that parachute is going to open or not. So, unless it's something you just HAVE to do, maybe you should play it safe and not try it at all.

I shared my theory with my husband, and he said, "But it's the MOST FUN you can ever have!" Well, fun for him, not for me. I've told him if he wants a kid, he can go find some woman who wants a kid too. Same with skydiving. I say if you want to go skydiving, go ahead, I'm not going, nothing you ever say will make me change my mind.

But I WANT to want to skydive.

I guess I don't understand why anyone would WANT to want to skydive (metaphor for having kids, here). Maybe there's a group of people who think skydiving is the best thing ever, and try to talk everyone into doing it, but they're hiding the fact that some of them went SPLAT. Maybe that group of people is kinda cool, because there's so many of them and they all have that in common. But as for me, I've never fit in with the "cool" crowd, so I've stopped wanting to want to do what they like, and found other people who like to do what *I* like. And if I can't find anyone who likes to do what I like, I do what I like alone, but I don't have to worry about whether the parachute will open or not. (Trying to follow along with the metaphor here, LOL) I find life much more enjoyable that way, and I don't worry about if I'm going to SPLAT.

Maybe it would be more fun to WANT to want to drive racecars. After all, if the racecar gets going faster than you want it to, you can always hit the brakes. You can even pull over, get out of the car, and go do something else if you don't like driving racecars anymore. The racecar won't care. :-)

Cindy

wow, ln, great analogy. I feel very much the same way myself at times. Kinda wanting to jump in (from a plane, or into parenthood), because I hear it's such a unique and good experience, but put off by the irrevocability of the action. But I'd love to want to do it...

Anyway, I'm going to have to remember this one. Thanks for posting it!

The one thing I can definitely agree with is the connection between uncertainty in skydiving and raising kids. Most parents WANT for their kids to be safe and grow up to be good, respectful people. But, just like uncertainty involved with the parachute opening or not, you can never be sure with kids either...

Oh boy ain't that the truth!
I married in 1982 and we had our eldest daughter in '83. Our second daughter came along in '91. Big gap, but it was a little Hormone-imbalance driven.
Anyway, we three gals were as close as close could be. My two daughters were as unalike as chalk and cheese, but both sparkling funny clever articulate intellignet pretty individuals in their own right.
I had a wonderful relationship with them both, and I would certainly say we were always very close, and could discuss anything (age and conditions being taken into consideration.... ) On more than one occasion, their firends said they wished they had a mum like me, because i was more than just a mum, I was a buddy and confidante.... It was idyllic, really.
Then, in 2004, after a long marriage where we both acknowledged that no matter how good the friendship, the spark was no longer there (it was, to all intents and purposes, a companionship rather than a relationship) the catalyst came along, and my ex- and I decided to separate, after 21 years or so.

My daughters have not spoken to me since then. I hardly ever hear from them other than at christmas/birthdays, and when I talk to them, it's like talking to strangers. I am totally blamed for the break-up in their eyes, and because their father and I never, but never fought or quarrelled infornt of them ( in fact, we hardly ever did this privately either) the logic of our going our separate ways was illogical tot hem.
I have a new partner, and so does my ex-. We have moved on, but the girls blame my partner as the cause of the break-up, whereas we adults all know it was far more complex than that.

Happy families? Maybe so. I'm sure they do exist. But don't for one moment ever think everything is either a given, or permanent. Trust me. If anyone had ever told me 5 years ago that this would have happened, i would have laughed in their face and called them mad.
it doesn't seem so mad now.
Just very sad.

But listen - I don't want anyone thinking I'm wallowing here.
S**T happens, even in the best ordered families. And whilst I accept my role in events, and understand that there are consequences, I'm sorry, but I refuse to beat myself up and keep whanging myself over the head with a metaphorical skillet.
if they wish to continue with this attitude - inspite of much effort from me, during these years, to move things along - then that's their choice, and their problem. Not mine.
I have done my best to try to come to an accord with them. My door is always open, and I will always be their mother.
The rest is up to them now.

On with my life!!

Alexandra,

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is sad. I hope for you and your daughters that they will come around someday.

I believe you when you say that you have moved on, and I think that's great.

It's amazing that children can be so loving and wonderful and just change. That's what scares me so deeply about parenting - you can end up with anyone living in your house. And I'm not willing to take that chance.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope things work out somehow.

Alexanda - Very sad. Family dynamics can be difficult and powerful. Your daughters are still young. I bet as they mature and live life they'll learn that life doesn't usually work out as we expect or plan, and maybe then they won't feel the need to judge you so harshly.

I think this is a great analogy, and would probably help the people on here who just can't make people understand their choice to be CF.

So sorry to hear about your situation Alexandra.

My parents divorced when I was very young, so I know how it feels to be on the kid-side. I may have private assumptions or beliefs about who caused their divorce, but I can't imagine cutting off contact or not having a relationship with either of them over that issue. Other issues, maybe, but that issue? I don't see the point of harboring anger at them over it. I think everyone deserves a chance at a loving relationship. (In their case neither of them did anything unethical and they handled it very well).

The hardest part of their divorce for me has been that my mom has never been confident that she can take care of and support herself since the divorce, and is incredibly needy of me. For that I admit, I harbor resentment, because I do not like being thrust into the role of subsitute husband. I don't want to hear her whining about not being able to "cope" with her life all the time, and there's constant financial concerns. It's a huge burden in my life that wouldn't have been there if they hadn't gotten divorced. She really counted on finding someone else, but nothing ever lasted (the longest one died).

It's okay if she wanted to get divorced, but I can't accept that in addition to dealing with a broken home as a child, I now have to have her clinging at me for the rest of her life because she doesn't have a man. She is very into guilt-trips and manipulation. Because of all this, I'm very insistent on being an independent, capable, self-supporting person.

This was a very wordy way of getting to my point, which is that I think your daughters should be grateful that you've moved on in a healthy way, and that both of their parents have what they need in life to be fulfilled. I would be!

I hope they eventually come around, and I'm betting they will. Thanks for sharing your background, and best of luck.

People often talk about having kids so they can "give back" to society. It's a roll of the dice. You might have an Einstein or a Mozart, but you're just as likely to have a Jeffrey Dahmer or a Son of Sam. Far more likely, you'll have a B-flat average kid who doesn't make much of a huge net contribution.

If you want to make a difference, go out and do it yourself. That's not a roll of the dice...it's a sure bet.