BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Self pity

I sometimes feel like crying thinking of the abuse I underwent. That time, I pamper myself and tell myself that I deserve the tears for all the pain I underwent and the memories still bring. That gives me some peace and makes me feel loved. Is this self pity?

Yes.
But providing you can discipline your mind and limit your time to the practise, the better it would be.
Self-Pity is all well and good, if it helps us to evolve, to move on, to change for the better.

If it keeps us stuck where we are (clues are that you go over the same points of pain the last time you felt like this) then it is not constructive, it is destructive. If it is cyclical, repetitive and always along the same lines - then you are in danger of staying where you are, and you effectively block your own progress to healing and letting go.

If ever I feel depressed or upset about something, I mentally give myself twenty minutes to permit myself to wallow, and be upset. But when those 20 minutes are finished - that's it! That's enough!! Now I do something constructive, like go shopping, and I vow to say something nice and complimentary to anyone I interact with. It lifts the spirits wonderfully.

I gradually lessen the time I permit myself to wallow in self-pity. First, 20 minutes. Then, another time, maybe 15.... stay on this for a while, then move down to 10 minutes....and so on, until one day you say, "Oh goodness, I'm not staying here again! I'm not even going to bother! I'm going out, and I'm being cheerful about it!"

Like an unwanted, tedious, boring depleting relative, the negative visitor gets the message and does not stay long.....!

Dear Das, with all due respect to Alexandra, I would offer a different answer.

I know what that pain is like, and though it is not healthy to 'dwell' on what happened - what was lost and cannot be regained and what the legacies are that you still have to live with, and probably will for the rest of your life, it is something which those who counsel survivors of abuse would say is normal, and it is good to pamper yourself at these times.

Pampering yourself and treating yourself to something special that gives you pleasure is a positive response to these feelings of regret and anger. So many obtain relief by hurting themselves. That is the negative way. To pamper yourself is to love yourself, and that is GOOD.

I think what you describe is more like remembering and regretting and being ANGRY. It is like a mother remembering the child who was taken from her by a murderer. It is GRIEVING - and healing only comes by allowing ourselves to FEEL the pain (which so many of us have buried for eons)and acknowledging that WE were not to blame. We were 100% innocent.

On the D.I.D forum that I once contributed to, people felt this way very often, and we encouraged them to talk about it, to 'feel' the pain and 'own' it, and we encouraged them to be kind to themselves and pamper themselves. It is SO VERY IMPORTANT to pamper yourself at these times when the memories come rushing in and you just sit and cry all day. We were so often afraid to cry, or show emotion when we were kids, (for fear of worse repercussions) so these tears are cleansing, and a way of releasing the feelings that we were not allowed to express before. You and I are fortunate that we CAN 'feel'. Many cannot 'feel' at all, and just experience a numbness, a sense of unreality. The have to be taught how to 'feel' again.

It is important to remember that we cannot move on, UNTIL we have allowed ourselves to FEEL and have been able to release all our anger, hurt, and grief. It is NOT releasing it which keeps us stuck in the past.

The horrors of our past will always be there. Words, smells, places and even the most insignificat things will continue to trigger the memories. When this happens, the whole horrid thing will return as if it happened only yesterday. The thing to do is to sit and tell yourself that it is NOT happening to you NOW. Think of the fact that you have survived, and then make a mental declaration (or shout it out loud if it helps)that YOU won; - NOT your abuser, and you REFUSE to let them win!

Get a pillow, and beat the blazes out of it to release your anger. Or get some paper and put your feelings into art form. That helps a lot too. I used to have a pillow stuffed with sand that I hung from the clothes line. I painted faces on it, and beat it with a cricket bat! I was exhausted after, but I had got rid of the anger (self pity is really anger turned inwards) - until the next time it raised its ugly head, and then I would repeat the exercise!

Then, get dressed in your favourite clothes, and take yourself out to dinner, or to a movie, or whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

I hope this helps some.

Keep on treating yourself like a hero, because that's what survivors of abuse are - HEROES!

Patience.

Thank you as always, patience, for your kind consideration in your opening statement.
You are always considerate of the feelings of others, and for this, I am really so grateful.

as you rightly say in your post,


And it is precisely this final point which raises sorrow within me. The inability that people truly suffer from, of being incapable of Letting Go. Completely.


There is an advert on UK TV currently (for, of all things, mineral water), that starts:
"Do you know that over 60% of you is less than 6 weeks old?"

This to me brought me up short.
And I set to thinking.

If the majority of 'me' is less than 6 weeks old, then what has happened to the "me" who experienced this suffering?

It would appear that most of me no longer exists, in any tangible form.
The place I exist chiefly, is in the workings of my own mind.

Here is where Damnation - or Salvation - lies.

We cannot tangibly change the past. it's gone. The only place we can access it is within our memory.
What we then do with it, is up to us.

Please, please understand, I am not in any way seeking to trivialise or belittle, mock or deride the experiences of those who have suffered so much at the hands of others.
Trust me, i often shed tears for you...
But they are also tears of frustration, because really, the answers are so simple.
But I know, and have often said, that Simple doesn't mean Easy. Our greatest enemies, are the Fears we house, clad in habits we can't shift....

Willingness, willingness to really try to drop it all, and leave it aside. Such resistance.
I hear people crying in protest, and justifying their current pain, and inability to divest themselves of all these hindrances....I'm crying now....
But I can find no useful purpose in perpetuating the act by keeping it active as a negative memory.

Why, oh why hold on to it? Why keep it as a sharp stick to keep poking yourself in the eye with it?

Help me understand why you would willingly, voluntarily keep doing this to yourselves, long after the acts have gone!

I've been trying to forget a painful experience with my sister, and what Alexandra said about poking ourselves in the eye with a stick really resonated with me. I DO that, I ruminate on the pain and hurt, and I'm trying to stop because it's not healthy! I tend towards self-blame and self-recrimination.

I read today that letting go is a process. We may have to practice letting go every single day -- or even every few minutes.

It does take discipline to focus on the good, positive things in your life! To let go of the past and remember that you are a new woman in a new day, with a new life.

When I think about the bad parts of my experience with my sister, I'm learning to replace them with good thoughts about my husband, my life, and my own self! It's been incredibly helpful to deliberately replace the thoughts that make me feel bad with thoughts that make me feel good.

I guess it's gratitude -- and that does take discipline.

Well das, i hope you weren't hoping for a simple answer from any of us!

I would distinguish between self-pity and self-compassion, and i don't think what you are doing is self-pity.

Here is out of my Webster's Dictionary:

pity implies sorrow felt for another's suffering and misfortune, sometimes connoting slight contempt because the object is regarded as weak or inferior. compassion implies pity accompanied by an urge to help or spare.

I think when we are lost in self-pity, we're just sort of, well... lost. We are feeding our inner monster and letting it grow. Sometimes we use what we have been through as an excuse not to live the life we now have. But self-compassion is different. Particularly for those of us who have suffered abuse, we are often too hard on ourselves in general. We've learned to be hard on ourselves because others were so hard on us, and because deep inside, we still don't feel all together worthy of being treated well, even thought we are.

I think learning compassion for ourselves is an important part of the healing process, and sometimes i think that even includes feeling sorry for ourselves for a time... as patience said, we need to acknowlege what happened and that we suffered. We need to grieve.

You said you feel you deserve the tears... to me this sounds like compassion. I agree. You have the right to whatever you want, das. You are free.

I find with myself, it's ultimately a matter of where "dwelling on it" takes me. Tears can take me to depression, or they can take me to release. They can get me stuck, or set me free and give me resolve. They can leave me fearful and shaking, or feeling strong and at peace. Thinking about it might take me to self-pity and more suffering or to growth and insight and healthy pride in how i have survived and who i have become. I let this be my barometer and it seems to serve well.

And so, das, i don't think Alexandra, or patience, or i can tell you if it's good for you or not to think on it and cry. That's something you must feel your way through yourself to the right answer. And you DO have the right answer, das... within you, within your wonderful heart. You are more than enough, just as you are.

You have suffered greatly, and you may at present feel you have been through too much to recover the way you would like or deserve. But the funny thing is, these things we suffer can become our strengths and allies. You have gained compassion for others and wisdom, and I understand you may feel weak, but i see you as being amazingly strong! And having suffered can be turned into a strong sense of purpose in your life for whatever you choose, and i think suffering can even be transformed into joy... because who knows how to appreciate simple things better than those who have suffered? Someone who has starved, sees each meal with gratitude. Someone who has been in prison, appreciates freedom and seeing the sky. Someone who has been mistreated, appreciates healthy relationhships and choice.

I don't think you deserve tears, das. I think you deserve every joy. But only you can know if the tears are important. You said indulging makes you feel loved... that sounds like a good thing to me. And you are loved, das. We love you here, and i for one, am so grateful you have joined us, and that you are just as you are!

Thank you holly. I agree that it is self compassion.

Patience, your words give me lot many ideas and have opened my mind to the meaning of may experiences I have. Thank you.

Alexandra, what happens to me is this.
My experience of abuse went on for years.
There are so many instances during that abuse that I do not remember all at a time.
Sometimes, a particular memory comes like a bullet and I go in pain. Either I feel very angry or I feel very sad.

When I feel very sad, I pamper myself about my tears. That is helping me in keeping some sanity.

I really do not know about your suggestion of keeping time, because when I get the pain, I lose sense of everything around including time. Thanks for your response.

Holly,

Mr. Mohatta told me that you are writing some book. He wants to know the progress.