BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Is your future your choice?

I believe our future is our choice...we create the life we want to live.

What do you think? What keeps YOU from choosing the future you've always wanted?

I'm just getting used to the idea that where i am now is a result of my choices.

I know what you mean...it was a hard pill to swallow. In fact, I used to blame my husband for what my life was like. Now, I'm glad I owned up to my own responsibility. It was empowering to think that my future was up to me.

Yes, Tami, you're quite right.

Isn't it interesting how our whole perspective changes with that realization?

And yes, it is empowering.

I think most of what holds me back is fear... fear of aggression towards me for succeeding, and fear of loss.

Oh, the big "FEAR" word... how that four letter word tends to keep us from entering into the future we want!

I'm no stranger to fear either. However, why should we put our future into the hands of others? Will what we lose even compare with what we shall gain by finally being our authentic selves?

I'm beginning to recognize that I can make a far bigger impact in this world if I succeed at becoming all of who I am. The risk at not moving forward is far greater than the one of staying the same.

I'm also realizing that if people don't like me for who I really am then perhaps they weren't my true friends in the first place. Ultimately, I want people to like me as ME!

What if fear is simply our discomfort at being in new territory? Could we not see it as a signpost that we're moving forward away from the old and into the new life we really want?

I'm choosing to move on anyway. A friend of mine used to have a magnet on her fridge that said, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". I don't know who wrote it, but that says it all for me.

Tami S asked: "However, why should we put our future into the hands of others? Will what we lose even compare with what we shall gain by finally being our authentic selves?"

Um, well, yes... potentially it can compare. Last time i ventured out to be "my authentic self" full throttle, ...i could have lost my life. Many were afraid i would be murdered. As it was i only lost my husband, my savings, i lost nearly all my friends, my job, and i received health issues as a consequence of continued harassment and stalking. Others were also harassed and threatened as a result of my having been my authentic self.

I can appreciate that for most people, it is more along the lines with what you are describing. And really, i don't disagree with what you just said... in fact, i think you made some very fine points.

I agree it is a wonderful thing to be your authentic self, and yes it is worth losing false friends, and personally, i hope to be my authentic self again, because it is as you said... worth it. It's just... i want to point out that not everyone you will encounter in your coaching practice is going to be dealing with average challenges, and not every fear came into being without just cause. Lately, i've been meeting a lot of people who fall into that category... those who have had so many challenges and have suffered so much that well, it's just going to take more than 'simply overcoming discomforts' to enter into the future they want.

And the thing is, you never know when someone with extra challenges is going to cross your path. Sometimes they already have, and you just haven't realized it yet.

I teach knitting to adults, and after doing it for years i've learned that often women sign up for classes after they've experienced a severe loss, or when they are going though cancer or other life-threatening health issues. I don't know why, but they do. And I may not be in a profession like coaching or counselling, but still it matters that i am sensitive to what they are going through, and that i take the time to really listen, and learn a bit about them and why they came to take classes. And i don't encounter any one-size-fits-all approaches. Do you find that also in your coaching?

No, the Future is not your choice. The present moment is the only choice you have.

The only way you can affect the future is to work on your present, because your future doesn't exist, and the past has gone.

Don't try living "out there" or you'll miss all the good stuff happening "Here and Now".

Tami S ,

We make goals and plan.
We try to achieve those goals.
If we are focussed about our goals, despite many hurdles, we reach them most of them.
I agree with you that we make our future, unless some karmic interruption takes place.

And as Alexandra says, enjoy the moment now.
And I add- Plan and work towards the future with total commitment.

Holly,

By authentic self, do you mean to behave exactly as you are without any hypocrisy and compromises? This may develop into a very exciting thread.

This is an interesting topic!

I think there are several ways of looking at this.

The past often dictates what our present will be, but basically we have only 'today' because we may not be here tomorrow! For example, if you get drunk tonight, you can expect to have a hangover tomorrow. If someone smashes into your car and it is a 'write off' - then you won't have a car in the future, unless you can afford to buy another one. (some people can't) The past does affect the present, and depending on your situation, it can also affect your future.

Other people can also affect your future.

I have had great plans for the future which were shot down by others. I lost two jobs because of lies that had been told about me in the past. They also prevented me ever working again in that general area, which unfortunately was my chosen area. But this didn't stop me! I studied for something else, and became a success at it. Several different things in fact.

I also have lived as my 'authentic self' but was abused and persecuted for it. (I made the big mistake of trusting the wrong people with the fact that I am a lesbian) Again I lost my job (in the days before it became illegal to sack someone because of their sexuality) But I learned an important lesson from this - never trust anyone with this kind of information unless you know them VERY well. And even then, be prepared for them to tell others! The future is never predictable.

So my 'future planning' was not successful. So I lived for 'today' - and made the most of what I had and didn't have expectations - except with regards to one particular intimate relationship. I learned from that too that it is not wise to have expectations, or to place all your trust in anyone.

So I have to agree that living in the 'now' is the best way to go. Certainly there will be cases where our past creeps up and bites us, and there are situations where the past leaves us with things we cannot change. My past left me with Dissociative Identity Disorder and all the complications that go with this condition. But we cannot predict or control the actions of others. We can only control our own.

I like the quote which says:

"Live each day as if it were your last." - so I try not to think too much about the future. To do so is to set yourself up for lots of disappointments!

Patience.

This is getting to be VERY interesting and heart wrenching as well. Reading through the replies, I felt sadness and hope all at the same time. It seems that when we get close to our hearts, many emotions bubble up to the surface.

This week is my first experience of reading and sharing in a forum. Wow! It can be deep! Thanks for sharing from your heart. Is this what usually happens in a forum?

Holly, I'm sorry to hear that your experience has been actually physically dangerous. I absolutely believe in our physical safety first and foremost, definitely including yours. You're right that every one of us has different circumstances. Thanks for understanding that I wasn't meaning putting ourselves in that kind of danger.

I have found not one woman to be cookie cutter in this world. What I see is that every woman has a unique beauty to unveil and that for each one, many pains and heartaches have appeared in different ways to keep their true beauty and color hidden. I include myself in this.

In the same way, our paths to freedom and full bloom must differ. We need to find safe ways to blossom in every case. The fear we need to overcome is not the fear of moving past physical danger. Sometimes it may be the fear of failure; not being good enough or something we're afraid to let go of. There are many fears and they seem to be different in EVERY case.

That's what makes coaching different from counseling. Coaching is generally client led with client solutions and plans based on what will work for that client alone. We look at your hopes, dreams and abilities and then we discover together how to create a personalized plan so that your life begins to reflect what you desire it to be...no cookie cutter here.

For me personally, I'm creating a life where I have a safer place for my heart; where I experience freedom to express my hopes and dreams; where I fully live as my authentic self. I'm not there yet, but I'm growing. It can be uncomfortable for me personally, physically and relationally. I too have had my heart broken and had great physical pain. In my situation, it's no longer enough to stop me because I know what is waiting for me is something far greater.

I do live in the "Power of NOW". I believe in living life to the fullest at every moment. I also believe that the choices and mindset that I have in the "now" also directly shift the course of my future. Of course things happen to get me off track, but I intend to keep moving toward my full potential.

And do you know what, Tami? I think you're going to get there!

Wishing you all the things you want to see unfold in your future.

Love,

Patience.

Thanks for the encouragement, Patience! Congratulations to you also for finding a way to follow your heart. I hope you find true happiness in being all of who you really are in a life that's everything you want.

You and Hollyelise make me think of two women in their glory who had their branches pruned. Somehow though, I wonder if you are surpassing your former glory as you seek authentic expression in other forms while keeping your heart safer. May the path of your expression become clearer every day.

I've roamed around this site more today and I find both of your voices all over the place. You inspire and challenge so many women. I hope you can see the beauty in yourselves through the eyes of someone who has just "met" you. That Holly inspires women by teaching them knitting is simply beautiful to me.

I would like to learn from you and from Holly.

What can you tell the rest of us women to encourage us to keep moving forward into a life that reflects our true hearts? When fear raises its ugly head, what do you suggest we do? (Is this question considered a new thread? Remember, I'm new at this.)

I honour you both as very brave women!

I'd love to hear the stories of other women as well.

I guess many different things affected on what will be our future and we are most effective on that. Yeah I'm more agree with you that we make our future but not 100%

Hi there Tami,

I'd better explain myself before I go on. I probably shouldn't be replying to you, but Patience can't right now so I am going to respond for her. I checked back to see how much she'd told you all before I jumped in here, and I see she did tell you this:



Well, I am Percy, and I am the protector of her 'system'. (people with DID have lots of different 'parts' that have different roles to play. This is called a 'system'. Being the 'protector' is my role.) There are presently 7 of us in this system, including myself. Patience is the birth child from whom we all 'split' as a result of extreme child sexual abuse. The youngest 'part' is 6 yrs old.

Patience can't write just now coz she had a bit of a 'run in' with one destructive part that we call 'IT'. But I won't go into that here. I will explain that in more detail on another forum here if any of you want to know. What happened doesn't have anyting to do with this topic, which is why I am not going to talk about it here. Instead, I just want to tell you how she rose above her problems, as you have asked about that here. She would also be too modest to say - knowing her!

Patience, and our body, is nearly 69 years old and we have been on a disability pension since 1988 due to a spinal disease that greatly restricts what the body can do.

Patience believed, and still does, that we all have strength within ourselves to rise above the obstacles and to be a success in life in spite of our handicaps and the legacies from the past. She believes it is all about self belief, and self respect.

I reckon she has been knocked down more times than I can count, but she always gets up again. How? Well, just pure pig headedness I guess! She refuses to accept defeat. She always fights back - tooth and nail sometimes. She might be knocked out of action for a while, but then she gets angry at the injustice, and she gets to her feet and starts swinging into another round, like a boxer who just won't go down for the count.

She left school at the age of 13, due to lots of physical and emotional/psychological problems, and in her adult years went on to get the requirements to enter tertiary level study. She graduated as a social worker with a major in psychology, and she devoted her life to helping abused children, alcoholics, drug addicts and homosexuals who were being disowned by their families, their churches, and socially. When she was no longer able to work in these areas due to the vicious interference of some people, she studied for other things, but continted to do this counselling work in her spare time, voluntarily. She still counsels people who come to her for help - and has been doing this work for over 30 years now.

During the 1970's and 1980's she worked actively for animal welfare and animal rights and was the education officer for our city's Animal Liberation group. She trained as a Cetacean Paramedic, and was involved in saving Whales and Dolphins. She gave lectures in schools and also taught art in a secondary school and trained a junior choir at the school.

She's actually a very placid person, but I provide her with the 'fight' she needs. She also has a part called Ann, who talks to her and reasons with her - like what you might call an 'inner voice'.

Over her working years, she develoiped expertise in many things, so no matter what others did to ruin her dreams, she had another ace up her sleeve. She has been in the Army, has been an artist, a counsellor, a massage therapist, a poet and a writer, a musician and a concert singer of classical music; - and even at 68 she hasn't stopped. She is presently doing projects to raise funds for an animal rescue group - using her artistic and writing talents. There's no stopping this dude!

So, though she may not have been able to follow though to her highest potential in some areas, she did in others, so I reckon we can have some control over our hopes for the future, by simply 'hanging in there' and not taking 'no' for an answer.

She once told our psychologist (therapist) that she felt a failure, but by crikey, from my observation, she has done more and achieved more in her life than many others who did not face the same obstacles. She was the phoenix that rose out of the ashes. Perhaps it was even the fact that she faced such opposition and what seemed unsurmountable odds, that MADE her all the more determined.

So, just get in touch with that hero within, and go for it folks!

You can win!

( and thanks Tami for your wonderful words. I know Patience will be very moved when she is well enough again to read them)

Percy. (on behalf of Patience)

Yes, Percy, one can have some control of the future by hanging on there and not giving up. Well said.

Yes, Percy and Patience, you have served to solidify my belief that your glory is oozing out in many ways. Thanks for sharing how you have pressed forward and never let circumstances fully stop you. You've found many powerful ways to share your voice.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with a number of labels including what I think was called "Multiple Personality Disorder" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" a few years back (Is this similar to DID?). She is one of the most brilliantly talented women I know! She too was no stranger to abuse. It took quite some time, but eventually every one of her personalities got the support they needed and they learned to make friends with each other. She is moving forward and I'm so happy to say that the world is able to see more of her glory all the time as well.

Anyhow, many things may shift our course, but once again, I'm inspired to keep moving forward towards the life I want to live (while living fully alive in the "now"). When things happen, I can simply adjust my plans to get what I want anyhow. It may be just a different way from what I expected, but I will still aim to succeed at being all of who I already am.

Thanks for sharing and thank you on behalf of those who have not been able to thank you themselves. I am a passionate lover of animals and wildlife as well as people. In fact, a group of us are just starting up a local animal support society in the last month or so.

I believe we have the power to not only make choices that change the direction of our own personal future, we have the power to make a difference to others as well.

Thanks Tami, I reckon you've got the right idea.

And yes. DID and Multiple Personality Disorder and one and the same. The name was changed to DID because some thought it a better description.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder accompanies MPD/DID.

It's really great to hear that your friend is moving forward and that her parts are becoming co-conscious. That's a great advance and it shows how much hard work she has put into this achievement. Please tell her that you know someone else who shares this with her, and that we all wish her a wonderful, fulfilling future.

Yeah. We can make a difference. I always get a bit upset when I hear people talk about how 'this' or 'that' needs to be changed, but sit on the fence and let others do all the hard work. I know 'people power' doesn't always work, but how can we expect it to if we never give it a try?!

Patience has always been an activist - fighting for children's rights, Aboriginal rights, animal rights, Gay rights, - and because a lot of other people did the same, many injustices and acts of cruelty here have changed.

At present we are trying (on a government level) to stop Japan from carrying out its plan to hunt and kill 50 of our Humpbhack whales in the Southern Ocean. (even though the IWC has banned commercial whaling again at the last meeting, the authorities in Japan 'get through the loop' by saying that they kill whales for 'scientific research', which of course is a load of 'whale blubber' - to put it politely!)

We in Australia have worked so hard to bring this Humpback population back, and we sort of regard every one of them as our family. We have an albino one, (two now, I believe, coz he became a daddy!) and the whole country loves him and we watch and count them every time they go to our north coast to have their calves, and then when they return to the southern waters again. But Japan won't listen. I reckon it is up to the people to show them. So many in their own country don't approve of whaling either, but governments, lets face it, are about money most of the time.

But getting back on topic, it is in things like this that our voices count, and we DO have the power to change things. Of course, the 'other side' also has the power to ignore us. This is when we feel discouraged, but we should never give up!

I reckon that making the most of each day is using our inner power to achieve the very best for us, and for our world. When we all do it together, that's when miracles happen.

Hey, Tami, I send you all my good wishes and cheer you on to success!

Percy.

Well, that's not how i was thinking of it, but perhaps it is that too, i don't know.

What i was thinking of in particular was, that i've spent much of my life self-limited by fear, without even realizing it was fear. I worked hard on getting past the barrier, and made some progress, but not a lot. Then one day, unexepectedly and seemingly by accident, i had ... i'm trying to think what to call it... some might call it a spiritual experience, but it was not religious in any particular sense. I just call it "my art epiphany." I don't really know how to describe it, but in the space of a few hours i had many significant realizations, and the result was my fear was gone. I was no longer limited. Boom. Just like that. It was like being unchained and set free.

My art got ten times better (to me) overnight. I'd have a vision of what i wanted before i'd pick up my camera or brush, and i'd know... kind of that calm feeling of know... that i was going to "nail it" before i had even begun. But my art mentors saw a dramatic difference in the art too, and got very excited. I even got into a museum.

But that wasn't all. All the little fears i'd had i was able to move through. I'm not saying i wasn't a little scared, but it no longer stopped me. I even made a little list of the things i'd wanted to do before and couldn't, and started ticking them off one by one. I sang for others, i danced at an anniversary party, i learned to drive, i donated blood, i got my passport and took my first trip alone... and i went overseas. I did many other things, but importantly, i was very happy, i felt centered and stronger than i've ever felt, and my nightmares disappeared completely!

So that is what immediately comes to mind when i think of "being my authentic self." I think of something similar for others... of their being able to do what they would wish to do, to realize their potential and be their best self, without limits, and to be happy and feel balanced and at peace.

You mean- you broke all the shackles on one day in a jiffy and began living life?

It is possible, you see?
This is what I have been trying to tell you. And now two people are telling you it is possible.


Is't that wonderful news?

That is surely wonderful news.

Yes, das. That is true. And unfortunately i lost it after a couple of months... but only because some very unusual and challenging things happened following it, that were very rare occurrances. But YES YES YES.... spontaneous healing does happen sometimes, and complete healing happens more often than we realize, and healing CAN occur sometimes without pain. You never know. For me, someone sent me some photographs one day, and they resonated with me and caused insight, and it changed my life that quickly. Any one of us could wake up tomorrow and be free of our personal shackles. Or... maybe it will take a little improvement each day. Either is possible.

Hi Tami, ...and to others in this thread...

I had to think at length how I wished to respond to your question and comments. Thank you kindly for your sympathy. I do not feel I need sympathy. I�m not saying that with any ill feeling, I just don�t feel I need it, or particularly welcome it. That was the past, and yes, I have a few hangups from it, but my life is not bad. It�s just something that happened... I�ll make it more clear why I feel this way later in this post.

Tami, you suggested an imagery of a tree being pruned in it�s prime. This actually startled me a little and I had a slight aversion to it. I thought about it a long time. I could see plainly, that you meant it in appreciation, and you were very kind to add that we have gone beyond our previous glory. I�m not sure I agree with that, but I appreciate the encouragement.

But back to the imagery... I kept thinking about it. There was some lesson there for me, I knew, because of my reaction. I knew instinctively, it is not an image I wish to accept for myself. And then I remembered when I was seeing a therapist shortly after the mess with my marriage breaking up. She had also given me an image... she had told me that many of the things I experienced were identical to what a few prisoners of war have experienced to break them down and indoctrinate them. Though kindly meant, it stuck in my head for a long time and became something like a badge. You see, as strange as it may seem, it is not at all uncommon for a survivor to take pride in what has happened to them. Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize it�s not healthy to do so. Some survivors will even compete with a sort of �I�ve been through worse than anybody,� kind of argument and pull it out as authority. But they don�t see it�s not actually a distinction you wish to have. It�s like saying, �I�m dying the fastest and in more agony!!!�... well okay then, you win the prize!!! I learned eventually that I don�t wish to compete in such a game, because anyone who plays it, loses.

Back to the imagery to help explain... when the therapist told me I�d been through similar experiences as some prisoners... it shocked me. I could even see it because of the specifics she pointed out. But eventually I saw that the concept and connection did not help me, rather it hindered my healing and encouraged a limited self-image. The imagery she offered was formidable, and it became an excuse. And excuses are very sneaky in everyone�s lives whether you are a survivor or not. We usually don�t recognize them as excuses, but they limit us, and prevent us from going beyond. They sound very reasonable at the time!!! I had a sort of, �I�ve been through too much to ever heal� attitude for a while. I could convince others of it too! And what you believe, you get. This I think, is what Alexandra was trying to say. So eventually I decided to discard the imagery of �being like a prisoner of war survivor,� and it was then that I started to make much better progress in my healing. This is something though, that each person has to decide for themselves when they are ready. You can hint to someone that the option is there, but if you suggest that they can overcome it and they are not ready to hear it, likely they will turn on you with anger. We�ve just seen this.

Anyway, if I may again use myself as an example, there was a point in my path where I had to make a critical choice. Did I want to identify with the trauma experiences and the very notion of being a �survivor� (a term which identifies us as a person IN RELATION to trauma, rather than identifies our own self), or did I actually wish to heal? Because at a certain point in each person�s path, the paths separate! You can either choose to keep identifying yourself in relation to your awful experiences, or you can choose to heal further. I decided I wanted to actually heal... and all the way if I can. This is not the same as denial. You don't forget or bury your feelings, you just change your focus.

Starting on the path where you leave it behind was extremely hard. I had to quit bringing it up and talking about it often. That alone was a challenge for me at first! I counted the HOURS I was successful, I�m not kidding you. It was like breaking an addiction. I had to quit blaming anyone for what happened to me, even my abusers. I had to quit using my unhappy experiences for a reason as to why I got overwhelmed, why I found it hard to do things and found more things scary than before, why I had emotional outbursts, why I treated others badly, or why I couldn�t do anything. I had to take responsibility for it myself in order to be empowered. That�s hard, trust me. So when I see someone who is not able to do it yet, I can feel compassion for them. I know what they are up against. I don�t feel they have failed or done anything wrong, or are less of a person, or don�t have wisdom to offer, they just aren�t at that point in their path yet. Some people never get there... but at any rate it is something they will have to decide for themselves. There is no way to cross the line without voluntarily choosing to do so.

In my life I have been very fortunate to have known quite a few people with severe �handicaps,� and I have learned much from them. I know a woman who has been blind her whole life who not only is one of the best knitters I know, but who also has done things like been a tour guide for sighted people through Europe. Mind you she is COMPLETELY blind. I also had a friend in college who was working on her second masters degree who had somewhat advanced Multiple Sclerosis. She was wheelchair bound and had a prosthetic bladder, etc. and sometimes she could not make class because she felt too ill, but she told me, �You just have to work around your bad days and not let it stop you and not make too many excuses for it.� Long ago my sister had a fianc� who had a brother with very severe birth defects. He was a quadrapelegic who also could not speak. His mother discovered early that they could communicate with eye blinks and they developed a complex method communication. Turns out he�s a genius, and when computer technology advanced, he was able to communicate through computers, became an engineer, and hold a full time job as a designer of engineering parts. Stephen Hawkings is another example we�ve all heard of. I mention this because they, and countless others around us with significant challenges, all hold one thing in common: they never use their handicap as an excuse for why they can�t do things, but instead find ways to do things anyway, despite �logical� reasons why they can�t succeed or should instead stay home and feel sorry for themselves.

So... if someone has been in a wheelchair for a long time (or has any other challenge), telling them you are sorry for them may not always be the most appropriate thing. If you have challenges, and most people have challenges of one sort or another, you can reach a point where drawing attention to loss is ... well, it just get�s old, and it�s not helpful to dwell on it. You want to get to the point where it is NOT the most relevant thing in your life. It�s not always the best thing to encourage self-pity, pity, drama, or belief in limitation.

And having lived through trauma and abuse is really no different. It�s just a handicap of a different sort. I disagree with patience�s assertion that no one ever gets over it. I�ve known many who have gotten well beyond it and thrive, and who have even turned their experiences into valuable experiences and actions that they would not have had without the original hardship. Just ask my friend S, who also has MS by the way, and who said that her rape was the best thing that ever happened to her because of what she learned from it and how it transformed her life! Of course, she�s a little kooky ... but if talked to her, you�d understand what she means. And how far you go in healing has absolutely nothing to do with how awful the trauma was that you experienced, or how prolonged. All of us, actually, probably know survivors who have healed well, and we just don�t know that they are survivors, because they DON�T bring it up often, they don�t carry their anger before them, they don�t obsess, they don�t crusade, they don�t complain or provide excuses as to why they can�t do something, they don't try to attract sympathy, they don�t attack others, etc. It�s just no longer the most significant things in their lives because they successfully worked through what they needed to and succeeded in changing their focus and the meaning of their lives.

Sometimes I have known people upwards of ten years before I learned what they survived. My ex mother in law was an example of that. I knew her 20 years before I knew she was a survivor of incest. Who�d have guessed... no one. She had healed that much and forgiven her abuser. I also think of my friend D... who survived Stalag 17 !!! The camp was nearly as bad as the death camps of WWII. I know from D�s daughter that he woke up screaming every night for many years because his nightmares were so bad. But D did not become hardened by his experiences, and that�s what I loved most about him. He married after the war, a beautiful, deeply loving marriage that lasted over 50 years until his wife died. He raised two beautiful, happy, and brilliant children, one of whom is a close friend of mine now. He and his wife started a preschool that helped abused children adjust to more normal lives. He was loving, and he helped me. And never once did I hear him make an excuse because he�d been through hell. If anything, he felt it gave him greater responsibility to do the right thing and be strong for others. There are many others I could mention, too, who have healed beautifully and moved on.

And if you are a survivor reading this, I would not take as a role model anyone who has not yet healed sufficiently. Find people who ARE doing well, and ask them for guidance, because any one of us can only take you as far as we ourselves have gone. So be sure that we are somewhere where you wish to go, before you heed our advice.

I somewhat regret that I brought up my own personal experiences earlier in this thread, because the result was sympathy. I can only speak for myself, but I am beyond that. I don�t need to be encouraged to feel sorry for myself or use my experiences as excuses... trust me on this... haha... I feel sorry for myself far too often as it is!!! I�m in the �I need a kick in the butt sometimes� stage. I welcome people... when you hear me making an excuse or feeling sorry for myself or dwelling on the past, you can tell me to �get over it.� But that�s just me. I can�t speak for anyone else because other people have different needs at this time.

I have many more thoughts on what has been brought up in this thread, but I want to reiterate one more time... there are definite stages to healing, and what is good advice or help for a person at one stage, may not be good advice for another at a different stage. Please don�t get yourself tied up in a bunch about it when you say the wrong thing, or have the wrong thing said to you. That�s going to happen sometimes, that�s just life! We�re not always understood, and none of us is perfect... all of us put our foot in our mouth some times. Only concern yourself when someone is actually unhealthy to be around because they are abusive or so out of balance themselves that it�s pulling you off balance. Yes, there are a few malicious people in the world, but most people aren�t (I don�t know of anyone here who is, though some have taken a beating on their character lately), we just make mistakes, sometimes BIG mistakes, or we're clumsy in what we say or our own shortcomings come out and sometimes we really say the wrong thing and tick someone off and set them spinning. But the idea of being forgiving and understanding of others, is so that we in turn can be forgiven and understood, when we ourselves are not at our best. It helps us all when we don�t make a mountain out of a mole hill, or over react when others are trying to make a mountain out of something.

I would suggest that if anyone wishes to help someone or offer advice, try to take your cue from them as to what they need at this time, or even ask them outright what they need. Sometimes people are in a stage where they have to get it out and rant and be angry and scream about righteousness and injustice, sometimes they need a lot of love and validation, sometimes they need and are ready to hear advice, sometimes not, sometimes they even need a kick in the pants and be told it�s time to get over it and quit making excuses. (me!) Rarely does anyone need to hear there is only one way, or that YOU are the only person who has the right answer, no matter what that way is or how right it is, or have your views forced on them and on others with differing opinions and advice. Everyone here has valuable things to say.

Peace to all.

h

In the early '80s, I went through a year of therapy myself with a wonderful therapist, and because of his guidance and that of a couple of strong and positive mentors and friends, I released the majority of my past that was interfering with my having the life I wanted. I was thinking about all that last night, in fact, as I read some of the forum posts. So many people are in pain now from things that happened long ago, and yet those things are practically crippling these people in their present lives. And I wondered if most of them are here to find the answers as to how to get past that. Most everyone here is genuinely seeking happiness and peace. And what I discovered for myself (and put into my little self help book that I wrote) is that happiness is actually in us already--we often just don't know how to let it "be" part of us, to let it "out" of its prison of misery.

I especially liked what you just said here Holly about making the choice whether you wanted to be identified with your past trauma or to fully heal. In fact, I liked everything you said and couldn't have put it better myself. What my therapist made me realize was to be caught up in the swamp of my life's past was to live in continued darkness, and he helped me step onto dry land, tilt my face up toward the bright sun, and smile. And when I did that, I connected with the happiness inside me. It was a feeling of freedom and lightness of being I will never forget and that I always carry with me. Your post made me remember that process and be able to savor those moments of reaching clarity and joy all over again.

While our pasts are part of us in whatever way we choose to let them be, the power of the past to affect our present lives can be diminished completely. That's the real choice: Do we want to let ourselves be dominated by the dark thing(s) that happened many years ago, or do we want to live as who we are today, in brightness?

My therapist told me to look at what I wanted for my life and to move toward that. And that's what I've done ever since

I have to say I am so proud to be part of bellaonline and to meet all of you. I feel such great love for you all when you share your deepest fears and pain, when you open yourselves up the way you do. I want to hug and smile at each of you, to tell you nobody had the right to do anything bad ever to you, and whatever happened, it wasn't anything you brought on yourself. There's a moment in the book SYBIL when she reaches a key realization about her past, in which her own insane mother abused her horribly to the point that she split into several personalities, and Sybil says "How could she do that to ME?" It is a question that says it all, in my opinion--how could anyone do that to any of YOU? You didn't deserve it--you just happened to be in the wrong place at the proverbial wrong time.

And yet, what Holly says is also so true: There is good in everything bad. In my own situation right now, for example, the illness my husband has been experiencing has had many blessings. Had he not gotten sick, the doctor wouldn't have discovered that my husband had two underlying medical problems that as of yet still had no obvious symptoms. Without surgery to fix these things, my husband would have faced what his doctor called a "fatal event" within the next few months to years. Another blessing: my husband is self-employed. He thought if he went into the hospital, he'd be out of business. But his three wonderful sons have taken on the task, on top of their own full-time jobs and active families, of running my husband's business, and we're still able to pay our bills and keep food on the table.

Everything that happened to me in my strange life has made me who and what I am today, and I am grateful for that and joyful to be here with you all.

Much love,
Barbara

To all,

I have posted only from my own knowledge and experience on these forums.

Hollyelise contacted me by PM and stated that she was concerned that my post in the Self Development Forum in the 'Self Pity' thread would be harmful to Das and others. It has never been my intention to do anything but support other survivors.

Holly also felt I should have posted my comments privately to Alexandra, and that personal comments should not have been made on the forum. However, I would point out that my post was not the first to become personal. In the post preceeding my response, Alexandra had said this:


thus ending all communication with me, even though we had been friends, and corresponding since the time when she lived in France. So a private response to her was not possible.

As for being personal, please look at this comment below which was suggesting that I do not want to heal:



This denies all that I have achieved in my life and makes it count for nothing.

So, to all of you who have all the right answers, I bow in homage, and will cease as from now to be a destructive influence on others here.

I wish you all good fortune.

Patience.

Patience, clearly you are hurting. I am sorry.

Barbara

Patience, you are a great source of encouragement for me.

Das, you are an inspiration as well. I've been meaning to ask you something: What are some of the best things about your life? I'd be honored if you'd share that with us.

Hello Everyone,

This has been a huge learning experience for me since my take on all of this has seemed to be a completely different perspective!

However, I can see my words have been misunderstood and I realize I must be more careful to fully explain myself. I've been talking in a way that I would talk to my closest friend, but she speaks my language and knows the history of where I'm coming from. I do apologize for any adverse effects and trust there is a reason for everything.

Those who know me in person know I have a huge heart, but I'm just not one to see victims around me. I see strong and beautiful women who are in the process of recognizing their true value and ability.

Patience, when you shared your story, of course I read what your diagnosis was. You didn't need to remind me. I just didn't SEE it when I thought of you. I didn't define you by it. I only saw your glory. (Perhaps in my optimism, I also misunderstood what you were trying to say). On the other hand, when you said more, you only solidified what I saw.

In all honesty, I did not feel sorry for you either Holly, neither did I feel pity. I truly cared about what happened, but I was conscious of choosing my words so that I didn't dwell on the bad of what happened. Yes, I'm a sensitive person and I felt sadness because something you said hit me close to home personally. However, I then just felt the usual hope of how our past does not determine our future (At least I don't let mine determine my future anymore).

I have a list of hard knocks myself, but very few people know the details. They usually look at me and think I've never experienced anything traumatic. They're very wrong, but it is a testimony to healing when someone thinks my life has been perfect.

I so agree with what Holly says! I am actually thankful for much of what has happened (I can't quite say "all" yet). I would never choose to go through all the pain and suffering again, but I'm thankful for how it has made me grow.

I believe everything happens for some kind of purpose and Holly, I'm glad you shared what you did. Thank you because it touched something in me personally and strengthened my resolve to move ahead.

You know, I hesitated about the tree being pruned comment, but only because I couldn't think of a more beautiful analogy at that moment. I should have fully explained that I was thinking of a tree or vine that gets pruned. After it heals, the glory that is within it comes forth in the form of greater fruit. As it matures, its fruit is even greater. When I was reading other forums, I saw evidence of this fruit and felt blessed. It just seemed like a different kind of expression or your glory. (I'm very sorry that was an awful thought for you, Holly!)

When I spoke of surpassing glory, I didn't mean that your life is that much better now than it was then. I was talking of the inner self. Now that you've pointed it out, I guess that was presumptuous of me. I don't know you enough to know that. I only know I was inspired by what you wrote.

Patience, thank you also for sharing what you did. I haven't read the "self-pity thread" so I don't know what you're referring to. On this thread, I see your words as evidence of how we can make a difference in this world not matter what life has thrown at us.

I have experienced a little of the type of epiphany that Holly shared. I wish mine was as hugely freeing that all the shackles of fear were gone, but most of them are. I DO feel I have a new lease on life. I feel vibrantly alive! I live in expectation of every day. It's like I've been released to be me. It happened when I realized I just had to let all of me come out. Who I've always wanted to be has been there inside of me all along. I've stopped fighting and simply accepted that I have my own glory to share with the world.

Yes, I make mistakes. There are so many things to learn, but even in the learning I'm not stressing about it any more.

Love and Peace to you All!

P.S. Barbara there is so much warmth in your messages above. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Dear Tami,

I can assure you that patience was in no way upset by anything you said. Quite the contrary.



I know that she will appreciate this.

We all send you our heartfelt gratitude.

Ann.

No body needs to guess about what upset patience. Some posts by Alexandra did that.

And this is exactly what I mean.

Some things, everybody:

I had meant to refrain from commenting or responding on this subject, for two reasons:
One: I would have hoped - and still DO hope - to respect the dignity and right to privacy of all those concerned, myself included.
Two: - It's in the past. Gone. Whatever happened cannot be undone, and so the best thing is to learn from the experience, and to move on. We all have our paths to walk, so my intention was to try to let things reach a level of calm and peace, again.

However, comments like the one above are both unnecessary and accusatory, so please forgive me if I go against even perhaps my own better judgement, and at least respond by way of clarification.

First of all, I hope those who frequent these boards know me well enough by now to know that everything I say and express here, is done with both the best of intentions, and with sincere warmth and feeling for those concerned. I am not a deliberately provocative, argumentative or inflammatory person.
But having experienced some physical, sexual and mental violence in my youth, and having discovered for myself how burdensome such experiences can be, my focus on this planet, in this life, is to attempt to alleviate and eliminate the suffering of others.
Sometimes (as has been painfully demonstrated) this results in intensifying the pain and Fear, but that's an occupational hazard, and one I have experienced before, through other people I have spoken to.
But that is another issue, and not for discussion here.

I dearly love Patience. She and I have known each other for quite some time, and have correspponded regularly for over a year, back to when I lived in France.
So I was frankly a little taken aback too see my intense and sincere desire to see her healed of her suffering trials and tribulations, quite frankly, backfire so spectacularly.

The reason I was also taken aback is that I would have hoped she knew me well enough by now to know that everything - everything - we have EVER spoken about has been transmitted by me with genuine Love, Compassion and deep empathy for her wellbeing. I want nothing but Good for Patience. truly.

She has spent her entire lifetime trying to work her way through to healing from her Pain, and I would so love to see her at complete peace and one-ness with herself, and rid of the burden she has carried for so long. For too long.

She mentioned that I am lack experience and qualifications, and am in no position to pass such comments on conditions I am not schooled in tackling.
However, the only thing I would say to this, is that (a)I'm afraid that qualifications, schooling, experience and titles don't make a counsellor any better sometimes, than anyone else. I suffered at the hands of three different so-called qualified psychologists, who all unfortunately had issues and agendas of their own, and were detrimental to my progress. I'm certain I'm not alone in this, and others too, have confessed that their own counsellors, psychologists and shrinks have not always been as constructive to their healing as would have been hoped.
(b) whilst she is correct that I have none of the aforementioned credentials, I have experience enough of my own to know that the burdonesome baggage we carry is disposable, and I further frequent three centres, one of whichh I supervise, helping members of the public in whatever way they need. This may range from social economic and bureaucratic matters, to feelings of depression,suicide, despair and desperation> It's voluntary work, everyone is supervised, and we all help one another.
That's what Life is about.

In all the time Patience and I have communicated, she never rebuked me for this absence of qualification before.

Something happened to patience BEFORE she became angered with me. Something occurred to de-stabilise her equillibrium a short time prior to her response to me, which led to her retreating and permitting Percy to speak on her behalf. The issue she was tackling prior to this incident was not caused or engineered by me, and I was in no way responsible for her unsettled frame of mind.

And as she/Percy has since said:
What people say and do, is their responsibility. How we accept it and take it in, is ours.
I do accept that what I said enflamed an already troubled spirit.
But I cannot - and will not - take the BLAME for how Patience has chosen to re-act and respond.
I decided to retreat from either public discussion on forum, or discussing the matter privately through PMs. My intention was to permit the storm to subside, and to allow all concerned - myself included, dominantly - to pause and to reflect on events, and to at least try to gather something INstructive and CONstructive from the situation.
we since learn that the way in which I had presented my side of the discussion, triggered a knee-jerk reaction from 'it'. IT being Patience's term for the sense within her that reacted so violently to the imposition of wrong, evil, and nasty coercions meted out by a figure of authority in her youth.
She knew then, as she knows now, that his intentions were, to put it mildly, extremely decidedly, wickedly and criminally wrong.
to compare what he did to her, with the intentions of my counsel, was deeply hurtful to me, for an instant, because i wondered how on earth she could have bracketted the two under the same title.
But I do understand, and I'm sorry truly, that my words engendered such a reaction. had I known prior to this, that such an approach would have effected such a response, does anyone truly think I would have progressed thus, regardless?
Of course I wouldn't.
as I stated already, I love Patience, and would not ever dream of hurting her in any way.
This is why I retreated from further comment, either publicly or privately, and explained that, too.
However, my reasons were rejected and I was accused of running away conveniently. This was never the intended case, and had Patience wanted to write to me, of course I would never have rehjected her mail, or refused to respond. I was attempting to consider her feelings in the matter, but that backfired too.

I think that's all I can really say on the matter.
I am quite prepared to let the matter drop and to move on, as i had infact intended to do.
others seem intent on prolonging the agony, perpetuating the pain and keeping the argument alive. This is akin to repeatedly stabbing yourself in the arm to keep the wound from healing. keeping old sores open is not my style, and it is precisely this point that I was trying to communicate before.
Obviously not skilfully or attentively enough.

THis is the Human disease.
keeping the p\in alive.
And this thread - and das' comment - prove my point exactly.
So, I guess, i will admit defeat and step back, and permit those who wish to mauintain this argument, do so. I do not say i will not respond in future, but this post - long as it is - I hope goes some way towards explaining what my standpoint is.

Thank you for reading it!
Metta and blessings to all,

Alexandra.

PS:As an EDIT note:

I have already expressed my sentiments for patience, and I would like to make it quite clear that I would understand if, from her point of view, she did not wish to ever speak with me, or hear from me again. I would respect that, in sorrow, but that would have to be her decision.
However, this does not stop me from wanting the very best for her, and wishing her well, in everything she thinks, says and does. I for one, whatever may happen, will always be here if ever she wishes to speak or to communicate with me again. I will always "Be there" for her, regardless, with Love, Compassion and sincere feeling.
Even if I never hear from her again, She will always be here in my heart, and I will always consider her a valued and wonderful friend. I wish only the most wonderful things for her, As indeed, I do for everyone, regardless.

Ann, please tell Patience I am glad she hears my heart.

In the midst of emotion that has been stirred up around this thread, I can feel there are so many women who care for one another here.

Imagine how powerful it will be if we focus on all the positives from now on. I've been taught that whatever we focus on expands.

Has anyone here read, "The Secret"? If you believe in it, then certainly it applies here.

My intention for this forum is to have an opportunity to share positive encouragement with other women who want to grow. I am on my journey and am learning every step of the way. I want to learn from you and I hope there are ways that eventually I have something that will be meaningful to you as well.

May every one of you have an absolutely wonderful day!

With much warmth,

Tami

The feeling is mutual, Tami

barbara, what is your opinion about future? Is that our choice to some extent?

Not always. A lot of us can choose our own path but many cannot.