BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Not sure what to do

I first wrote to the group back in March 06. I think the topic was "Husband needed Space". We had seperated in July and still haven't filed for divorce. It's been a rocky road but lately it's calm down some.

When I first started writing I thought he was having an affair. Evidentally he started having an emotional affair soon after he left with one of the girls I thought he was seeing. She kept texting him and calling him. Wanting to be his friend. Later she started sending indecent pics to his phone. I was told he did in Januray, 6 months after we seperated. He doesn't think he did anything wrong sleeping with her because we were seperated but he does regret it. The girl is married. Her husband and her have an open marriage. The husband knew it was going on. My husband said he was unhappy and felt it would make him happy again. He said they had sex a few times and he was happy. He then realized it was just a temporary happiness and ended it with her.

Back then I had posted he seemed to be depressed all the time. I tried to get him to see a doctor but he didn't think anything was wrong. A week ago he admitted to me he believes he has been depressed and plans on seeing a doctor. At present time he hasn't made an appointment.

I had started dating and going out more with friends. Once my husband realized I had male friends he started getting jealous. In April, he decided he wanted to be my best friend and we can do things together. We have gone dancing, movies, car races, out to eat, fishing, and to a few of his friends birthday party. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship that he only wants to be friends. He thinks we wasn't really friends in our marriage and beleives that was one of the things missing in the marriage. He admits he doesn't know about the future but he doesn't want to get back with me right now. He tells me to date my male friends but when I do he doesn't like it. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship because even though he hasn't slept with anyone else he doesn't trust himself not to.

When we do things with just the two of us we have a great time. Later after going out he will say things like we are spending too much time together, I need to spend more time with my friends, etc. I think it might be him starting to realize what we had and he gets scared. When we go out with friends we usually get into an argument later. Usually it's because a guy asked me to dance and he gets extremely jealous. He even admits he gets jealous which is something he never seemed to do before. I've changed since we seperated. I've highlighted my hair, got a tan, have more confidence in myself by reading self-esteem books, and have went from a size 14 to a size 5. I know one of his friends made a comment about how much weight I had lost and he told him "Yea, she wouldn't do that for me".

So now I don't know if I should stop seeing the other guys or what. I still love my husband and he's admitted he still has feelings for me. I'm trying to learn to trust him again but at times it's hard. We have been seperated since July and started hanging out since April. I'm not sure if I should give him some more time for us to work things out or have a talk with him. It still seems like a rollercoaster ride.

Linda

Well, relationships are always complicated...

You should spend less time with him AND less time with your friends. Try to spend seom time alone, just listening to yourself. In your heart of hearts you will know if you truly want to be with him or if it is just the pain of letting go that makes you want to hold on. However, jealousy is a warning sign - not healthy, especially if he is jealous becuase yo aure becoming happier. Just tune in to what's going on with you, and decide what will really make YOU happy.

Good luck!

I liked Alegra's suggestion. I'd also like to suggest you try to talk him into going to a counselor with you. Choose one who will see you seperatey and together and be clear that these will not necessarily be "save our marriage" visits, but just help to figure out the next best step for each of you.

But if I were you, I'd try Alegra's idea first. Getting to know yourself without the "noise" of other people just might make your decision for you.

Leigh,
Hi! I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing!

I'm sorry to say this but, your husband is playing you. You need to cut off relationships with him now and I do mean NOW!

He slept with someone else? He doesn't trust himself NOT to sleep with another woman? And you still thnk there's a chance?!

I wouldn't have anything to do with him unless it had to do with his role as father and paying child support.

No dating him, no heartfelt talking from you-kick his butt to the curb. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated so badly.

Seek counseling for yourself and children and forget him.

Thank you both for your advice. When we seperated in July I didn't really start doing things with my friends for quite a few months. I was mainly in a depression stage at the time. It was really hard because I see him 5 times a week because we work at the same company. The people that I work with and I knew he was depressed because he wasn't his carefree self anymore. He wouldn't laugh, joke around, and was always gripeing. I didn't start dating till the end of February which was 7 months after we seperated. That was when I knew for sure about his affair.

The middle of March when he decided he wanted to be friends we was doing things about 4 times a week. We did things with other friends, with our two children, and sometimes just the two of us. Last week I have limited our activities to once a week. Since March we have gotten into three arguments. Nothing extremely major but they are still arguments.

Friends, coworkers, and our children have noticed he has been acting like his old self since we have started being friends. I had original thought I would give him the rest of this week to see a doctor for his depression. Then I was going to give him two weeks on the medication (not sure how long it takes to work) and then have a serious conversation about him already having enough time on knowing what he wants to do. I had thought if he wanted to keep up the friends routine then it would be time for us to go our seperate ways and I would look for another job. If he wanted to rebuild our marriage I was going to suggest us seeing a counselor. When we seperated I tried to get him to go but he wouldn't. This time I wasn't going to let it be an option. Now I'm not sure if I should even give him that much leeway.

Linda

The question I ask in couples coaching is this:

How much of your life are you willing to give to keep your relationship going?

I think you've given him ample time and need to get on with your own life. He is dragging you down.

Before you take him back, I think you should try looking to see what he is up to. I did this with my ex-boyfriend and found out exactly what I feared - he was cheating. Buy the same book that I did at www.CrackEmail.com. It taught me how to hack into his Email account AND check his voicemail messages from my phone. Try it - I guess I can try sending it to you so you don't have to pay if you message me lol

This is probably going to sound crazy, but believe me, if you've improved yourself that much physically, you have the power to improve yourself that much emotionally. I agree with Kristen, he's playing you. And I love lookins suggestions, what you don't know can hurt you.

He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. The fact that you can be friends is a great asset to your children, so if you go your seperate ways you can hopefully have an amicable divorce. Good luck!

He ended up going to the doctor today. He made the appointment because of an old knee injury that has been giving him trouble lately. I told him while he was there he needed to discuss being depressed to his doctor. The doctor gave him a Depression Questionnaire to fill out and asked him some questions. The doctor determined not only was he depressed but he also needed anger management. He has three medications right now. One for joint pain and the other two are for depression.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'll keep you posted.

Linda

Wow, at least he was willing to share the results of his questionaire with you (?) That's a lot for him to deal with all at once.