BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage scared

Well Hi Girls,
I'm new, and I was told by a friend that I need to get some guidance.Not sure where to start. I'm very scared my marriage is about to end. I've started to write something 4 times but it all seems to complicated to keep going. The bottom line is I love my husband very much and I don't want to loose him and I don't know what to do.
He's a mean trucker but with a big heart. I'm high strung with high expectaions of people. I have a 7 year little girl he picks on constatntly and I'm always in the middle. I'm sad all the time because he often says hurtful things to me, mostly in jest but it still hurts. We have a strange history and in the beginning he had me conviced he would always be wonderful. (don't they all). But when I tell him what I want he just ignores me. Then it turns into a fight and he just gets mad at me for bugging him. He doesn't really think like most people and is very one-sided. I feel like he doesn't care if stay or go.
anything you can offer me would be great!
Thanks

This may sound harsh, but how can you love a guy who picks on your child constantly? Because it's not all about you, it's about you and your daughter. If he doesn't care if you stay or go, why would you stay? Just because you love him? He doesn't sound like the type of guy who would be receptive to family counseling but it may be the best option. I do wish you luck, just don't let your daughter grow up believing that this is normal, because she could pay for it forever.

I agree with you and that's kind of where I'm at. The hard part is this, he doesn't pick on her out of meaness really he just doesn't know how to be any other way. His father was a very mean man when he was growing up. I believe he wants the family and the white picket fence he just doesn't know how to act when he gets it. He does need couseling. I think we all do, but how do you get a trucker who's gone all week to go to counseling. He leaves Sunday or Monday morning and is gone untill Friday.

My daughter is my world, but really I need to let them find their places with each other. He tries, for example her took her shopping for mother's day, he always does that, b-day's what ever. But I can't help jumping in, it's the Mama Lion in me.
Thanks for the input

Sadand scared,
I hate to say this to you but I completely agree with iwonder. You are dreaming if you think things will work out. They rarely do.

As I do for many couples and readers here, I suggest counseling. It should be for you and your daughter, too. Your husband can go later if he wants to but I am reading very low self-esteem issues here with you, and for you it is a priority. This man is destroying you.

You do need to get your daughter out of there as she will grow up with self-esteem issues and a feeling of worthlessness.

Sadandscared,
Please read this link to the two articles.

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Wow Kristen
I appreciate candidness but for not fully understanding everything I think that "dreaming if I think it will work" is a very negative attitude. You are right about the selfworth issues, but I communicate with her constatnly and she has a wonderful father. (just makes a bad husband) I feel guilty I couldn't make it work with her father but I think she needs to see that things can be worked through as well. That just because someone hurts your feelings you don't just throw in the towel and give up. That's why SOOOO many marriages fail today. I agree my husband and I both have self esteem issues, and they do need to be worked through for all of our sakes.

I think perhaps you are not thinking clearly. Cruel words said in jest are still hurtful. That is called emotional abuse.

I'm not suggesting you "throw in the towel" over hurt feelings, but you have a problem here that can cause your daughter great emotional harm in her life.

Did you know your husband was like this when you were dating? Was he mean to your child then?


While my words may be candid and while you are right, I do not know all of the situation, when someone posts that they are hurt by cruel words and that their child is suffering too, I can't see how it can work out.
You said:
"...when I tell him what I want he just ignores me. Then it turns into a fight and he just gets mad at me for bugging him. He doesn't really think like most people and is very one-sided. I feel like he doesn't care if stay or go."

If he won't discuss things with you, if he doesn't value your wants, then that's not a marriage.

Well, I thought I posted this earlier - but i got bumped off the board, so we'll try again...

hi sadandscared,

I think your user name sums up perfectly what this is about.

It is very hard to give up on a marriage, it is like giving up part of your own soul.

This is my 2nd marriage, my 1st ended after 9 years - there were a lot of mistakes on both of our parts, but in the end I realized that my daughter AND my son would see how our marriage was and take that for how things should be. That was my final impetus for leaving. I didn't want either child (for opposite reasons) to think it was Ok for their Dad to have a mistress and me.

But it was very hard, and I found myself making may excuses for him because I so didn't want the marriage to end.

If you read over your own first post you will notice that for almost every comment you make stating why you are hurt, you give him an excuse for why he is doing it.

I'm not saying you have to give up on your marriage, yet. But, things do need to change. Even if your husband is a trucker, you still need marital counseling. Many counselors DO work Saturdays because of so many couples that travel in their jobs. On the other hand, your husband may need to make some sacrifices in order to show that he is really commited to working on this marriage.



Don't let your guilt over your 1st marriage dictate what you do in this one. They are two completely different relationships - even if you are the same person, your experiences have made you NOT the same person.

I hope that makes sense....

I agree with everyone else here!! theere is no reason to stay if you are scared of him!! and the fear of being alone,,well it sounds like you are all ready alone so... it is better to be alone by yourself and happy with your child then to stay and be alone and scared and sad!!!

What a sad and scary place to be! No wonder you called yourself "sad and scared." Even the thought of leaving must be hard...but you've reached out for help, which is strong and courageous. Good for you!

Do you have friends, or a pastor, to talk to? Getting outside support is so important. Counseling is a great idea -- even if it's not formal or couples-based. Think of the long-term consequences of this relationship on you and your daughter....is it worth it, no matter how much you don't want to lose him?

I feel your daughter is too young to be involved in your life lessons. She doesn't need to learn how to deal with a grown up who is picking on her day in and day out, or the weekends; then accept it because he takes her shopping. And I'll take it a step further, if her dad is a great dad, she may very well think that's the place she wants to be. Take a good hard look at it!

You know? I have to agree with iwonder. Your child is too young '"to see that things can be worked through..."'
She's a child for heaven's sake! All she is seeing is a man's cruelty to her mother and to her. Words cut deeply too.

You work through job losses, you work through mortgage payments, you work through problems at school; you can't work through cruelty.

For the sake of your daughter, leave him. Or, as iwonder says so eloquently, your little girl may decide very soon that she wants to be with her Dad.

Hello,
I had to read your post again. But you did say that your husband constantly picks on your 7 yr. old little girl. She is 7 yrs. old & if you stand by & allow this type of abuse to go on you are going along with it & putting a stamp of approval on it. I had this type of abuse growing up & it does not stop with cruel words most of the time.

I agree with all of the good suggestions people posted to you. All you do is make excuses for him. He is not a wonderful father to say mean things to your 7 yr. old. Also you said he ignores you & it has to be his way. It will continue to be 1 sided as long as you put up with this terrible behavior & allow it. You may love him with all your heart but he does not even respect you or show love to your daughter. It is not up to a 7 yr. old to find her palce with him & work it out. She is a child. Then you get angry with people who posted because it is not what you want to hear. No, we don't know all of your history & the whole story. All we can do is go by what you posted.

How is he so wonderful if he talks to a little girl like that, ignores you & does not care if you leave or not?? I would say protect your daughter 1st & her well being. If that means separating to do it, then you may have to. I had to do that yrs. ago with hardly any $. I really had no family to go to & I still did it. He does not sound like the type of man wo will go for counseling. You can go but you should not put up with him verbally abusing your daughter at all. No one wants a marriage to end. But there are some situations that people need to separate or divorce.

Guilt will hold you back from taking action & making the best decisions. I would not want to be with anyone who was mean & I would not want to live in fear. If you are so afraid just imagine how your 7 yr. old feels. He is the adult & it is not up to your daughter to smooth things over & find her place with him. But you can do what you want. Noone wants to hurt your feelings. I'm sure your don't want to hear some of these things but people are being honest with you & giving you some good suggestions. Also their own experiences & wisdom from their lives. I hope & pray that you put your daughter 1st & protect her. Thanks for reading this. Judy from Chicago.

Well put, Judy!

Children do not need this fear in their lives and you, SadandScared, are sadly mistaken if you think your child is not afraid.

Suzanne Somers said in an interview that her father's moods ruled her life and her mother's. She feared his cruel words and she grew up with no self esteem. She also, for a very long time, had no respect for her mother who allowed her children to be put through their father's rants and raves.

Thank you kristen. It bothers me alot to know that some children can't feel safe & loved at home. There are so many everyday problems that kids have to face at school etc. Then to get picked on at home & verbally abused is not right.
I would hear this kind of thing go on at some meetings I used to go to, about the lack of respect for the mother's who put up with this kind of behavior. Suzanne Somers is 100% right about what she said.
Also when people make excuses & try to minimize things it can be that they are in denial about it. Sometimes people need to hear the truth even though they don't want too. The adult has the choice & power while the child can't do anything about it. This child just can't get up & leave. I'm all for love but I don't understand when some women will say I love him so much & he is so wonderful but he is doing this......People have to have self love. Also a child's well being & safety should always comes 1st.

AS my counselor so eloquently put it, "you don't say mean things to people that you love." Therefore, if he loved you, he would not say those things to you. And if he loved your daughter he would not say mean things to her. Cruel jokes are a form of verbal abuse. Watching your mother treated badly is a form of abuse.

Think of it this way: your husband is in reality one - this is "I win and you lose, or you win and I lose" mentality. You are in reality two - this is "we will work together to make it work" mentality. The two cannot understand each other, or co-exist. Either you join him and join the fight in reality one, or you leave and find someone who exists with you in reality two.

Dez

So well put Dez!!

SadandScared, your husband doesn't know the definition of the word LOVE.There cannot be love where there is cruelty.

I urge you for the sake of your daughter, please get out of this abusive relationship!