BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Not Divorce Yet!

Hello Everyone,

I'm very new to this forum thing and want to blow off some steam too.

Well,I've been married for 5 years to a military man. I have two beautiful children but there not his, hoped that we would have a child together but lost the baby 3 years back. But that's another story in itself. Well, I knew that marriage was hard work because I watched my parents do it for 37 years. When I married my husband , he was sweet, nice, gentleman, and very loving to my children and me. He still is loving to my kids but not to me. We have been on this roller coaster of emotions the both of us. I try to work things out in our marriage but it seems like he don't want to. Also, duriing the years I've been married it seems like I lost my own identity...I use to be very independent, outgoing, fun, and confident but longer I'm in this marriage the more I lose out. It's hard to be with someone that wants a person to be one way then when they are then leave them. Well anyway, he asked for a divorce and I told him yes. But he hasn't done anything like filing the paper. If he won't then I will but I still love him. I feel like this...I want the man I fell so in love with six years ago but he doesn't exist anymore. I feel betrayed, stupid for falling for him, cheated on but not proof it....used like a old shoes and thrown away. I believe that I will bounce back after all this is over but feel that I wouldn't be able to trust anyone again because this is my first marriage and it failed. Sorry so long...but I would appreciate any replies...thanks for just reading.

I am new to this forum and this is my first reply. I needed to ask if you both had tried marriage counseling before making the decision to divorce?

Yes, We did go to marriage counseling once. He said that he didn't believe that another person could help our marriage. We never went back. Any other time I set up an appointment he wouldn't show up.

Marriage counseling is okay for two people who both have issues, but it can't work when one partner is an abuser. That's what he's done to you, you know. He's abused you, except maybe not by hitting, but verbally, emotionally. It's not your fault, and there isn't anything you could have done to change it, because the more you do to make it right, the worse he will get.

Here's a couple books for you...my "bibles" (though there's a good one to read as well...) "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

Good luck, it can only get better from here, but any of us can tell you that some days its of the "one step forward two steps back" variety.

Dez

"This too shall pass"

Dez Thank You ,

I will check out those books because it does feel like I'm going forward then back into depression. But my kids keep me going they wonderful! Thank you Again, Have a Good Weekend!

Hanging on to a marriage is very important. I've been yelling at people all this week that they should not give up their marriage. You all don't realise one thing.....

What next after the bearkup??? Where are you both going to go???

To Look after another mate, if I am not wrong and what's the guaranty that

1. the new person who are going to find is going to be good.
2. are you sure you both are going to live a better life separate?

Nothing a guaranty.... The only thing that's guaranteed to you is your current marriage.

again would you think of quitting your brother, sister, father or mother because they behaved bad to you???? No...

So, you need to exercise the same with your HUSBAND/WIFE...

Or, I can tell you all westerners straight, you all don't understand the meaning of the word LOVE....

You need to develop that even with a monster, and try till the end of the life...

Again, army men have lot of problem in their life.... do try talking to them about those... you will feel you have a far better life.. and you will understand that you husband has already tried a lot..

This is a quote from "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans:
Basic Rights in a Relationship


1. The right to goodwill from the other.

2. The right to emotional support.

3. The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

4. The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view.

5. The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged.

6. The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.

7. The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

8. The right to live free from accusation and blame.

9. The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

10. The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

11. The right to encouragement.

12. The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

13. The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

14. The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

15. The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

These things all add up to LOVE. If LOVE is missing then the marriage is missing. When we have tried to love your husbands but he continually lacks these rules, THEN HE DOESNT LOVE US and there is no point in continuing such a loveLESS marriage.

And for the record, if any of my family members had treated me that badly I would ironically have quit them a lot sooner than I did my husband.

Take heart dymondz, you are not crazy. Ganash is.

Dez

That's a big list.. and looks that no one will ever ever be up to it.. You think you can keep up all that????

dez and others participating here-

I think what is said by ganesh needs moderation.

Does this man remind of of Texas dave in some way?
The way of emphasis on things he says and the way he makes others feel that they know nothing?

Dez, You have given a lovely list.
i am thinking of buying her books.
holly asked me.
thanks for the list.