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Joined: Apr 2007
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Hello.

If its not obvious, I am a 33 year old man; father of a little one...I realize my presence might be seen as strange, but I am desparately trying to find help. I am dealing with verbal and physical abuse that has become unbearable.

The women I love dearly, has become deeply depressed, morose and has become dangerous. While I am a very large man, she has inflicted pain through hitting, squeezing, trying to break my fingers, hair pulling and has tried to push me down the basement stairs. One one occassion a few years ago, she came at me with a pair of scissors.

After reading as much as I could find on DID, I suspect it to be the case for several reasons; but I also suspect there are complicating factors. Well, let me list what I know and you can share your thoughts.


I know my wife was sexually abused as a child.

I know that it was her own half-brother--her mothers son.

Her half brother (same one) was diagnosed clinically schizophrenic

We live next to my parents in law. My wifes parents. *not good

My wife works with her mother at an office; and commutes with her mother too.

My wifes father is a very dominant man; very volitle and prone to violent outburts; he has tried to fight me twice and been known to pick fights with different people on at least 5 occassions. I believe my wifes violence is validated by her father violence, but ironically I dont think its the cause of hers--I could be wrong.

I understand that after the sexual abuse, my wife never recieved any formal therapy. I believe it was swept under the rug.

My wife expresses love for me, and is also intimate on rare occassions. But, like a switch, she can swing to a dominant-meaning cruel- personality that begins to use extremely vulgar obscenities, belittlement, and insults...if she feels she is not making her point, she resorts to violence trying to harm me. She claims its the only way to get me to do something.


The biggest reason I am concerned about DID is because one day I asked her...."where is the sweet and sophisticated women I met and married?"

She responded in a discernably deeper tone,

"That girl is dead....she's been gone a long, long time."

Needless to say, that really scared me. The problem is that my wife, who has recieved depression medication, will not take it. She blames me for her depression, her weight gain, her problems.

I am trying to sell the house to move farther away from her parents. I know this wont solve everything, but I feel its a start.

The problem is now extremely complicated because after a long evening of dealing with my wifes verbal abuse in humiliating me, I pushed her aside in a parking lot and walked away, growing angry at this abusive person. My wife left the shopping center, leaving me to walk home three miles. My wife then called her brother in law (her sister and my bro in law live next store too...yes, its nuts)..so he came over and changed the locks.

By the time I got there, my brother in law and my father in law were ready to kill me for supposedly beating my wife (which was completely untrue). Before I knew it a police helicopter was there with four squad cars.

The police questioned me. The talked to my wife. She did not press charges.

The next day my wife tells me I had to be in court the following day to recieve a restraining order.

But the day of the hearing, my wife does not show up.---the case is dropped.

so...here is the 64,000 dollar question.

Does any of this sond like DID....caused by extreme stress? My wife has exhibited similar symptoms 2-3 years ago but its growing more frequent (the verbal abuse is incesant and the violence gets worse and more painful).

Ive talked to the police who I must talk to about getting psychological intervention but they say Id need to get my wife arrested first in order to have her evaluated...and you can imagine, thats not an ideal path.

I just want my life back. We were a great couple. She was my best friend and our child is nothing but a pure joy.

What do I do when a whole family thinks Im the "cause of her depression and a wife beater" ---I feel like a lynch mob is after me.

Thanks for your thoughts,
Seaking Peace













Last edited by Seeking Peace; 04/22/07 04:16 AM.
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My opinion. . .Your wife is either Bi-polar, nuts, definitely needs counseling, away from the family. However, SHE and in your own words stated, "one day I asked her...."where is the sweet and sophisticated women I met and married?"

She responded in a discernably deeper tone,

"That girl is dead....she's been gone a long, long time." Hello

She will never change and doesn't want help or counseling. Get a hold on your life. You are looking at a Dead relationship and looking at this with rose colored glasses on. You wanted the truth.

You, also need counseling for staying with her in such a abusive relationship and counseling will help you see the truth. At this point it will ONLY escalate. If you seek no counseling than you must look at the big picture... Will I ever be happy with this sort of life, when will be the next outburst, or when will I be in jail? ..will She ever change? No, she won't until she seeks help or takes the meds. The sexual abuse,and violant up bringing won't change either. FOR YOUR PEACE . . You, must take a stand ... seek a lawyer- divorce before someone really gets hurt. She blames you for her weight gain and depression and more . . SHE does not love you !! She you get. Oh how can one walk away from someone they love? Well, RUN.. Love is not abusiveness nor HAVE violant ways. If you continue in this than you are an enabler. Think really hard on this. Oh,yes it won't be easy to walk but you won't have PEACE until you do. Harsh as my writing is ...truth is truth. I feel bad that this happens in this world and to you right now. However, it doesn't change anything. She has made her stand. Now, it is up to you. The deck is stacked AGAINST YOU.

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Opps..two more things ..Why would ANYONE want to stay in a relationship where one doesn't love the other nor want to SAVE the marriage by seeking help?? Sometimes that doesn't even work. Yes,it is difficult to walk away but we all must learn to walk and we do succeed to walk! The most important. Do you want your child to live like this and grow up thinking this a NORMAL way of life when it isn't normal at all. It is sick. STOP the CYCLE now. Teach your offspring this is not an acceptable way a marriage should be. Only you can do this. I know within you there is courage to do what is right. Do you really want YOUR child growing up in this violant term oil?

Last edited by Hjm; 04/22/07 09:28 AM.
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Seeking Peace,

The only way to know if your wife has DID is to have her diagnosed properly by a qualified Psychiatrist who is experienced with DID. There are tests, and it is not easy to diagnose.

I am DID and I will try to give you some idea of the types of signs that MIGHT suggest that she could be DID - or suffering with some other Dissociative Disorder.

First of all, the symptoms don't develop suddenly. She would have had to be showing some indication of dissociation from childhood.

Here are some of the indications:

1) Loss of time. Having periods where she does not remember where she was or what she was doing. Finding herself somewhere and having no recollection of how she got there.

2) There will often be things that she does not remember buying.

3) People may report that she has said or done things which she does not remember, and people may seem to know her that she can't remember having met.

4) She would probably be aware of 'voices' within her, or of people within her - inner conversations. (this is why DID is often confused with Schizophrenia, and the other way around.)

5) Many DID people have identity problems and aren't sure who they are.

6) It is not unusual for children, or teenagers to appear without warning, and you would see her behaving and talking like a small child.

7) The DID sufferer is often self abusive and suicidal. They can alos manifest mood swings and have deep depression, but this also fits many other disorders.

These 'changes of identity' are referred to as 'switching' and often the person has headaches after this occurs. They may change in appearance - if to a child, then the expression changes and the voice is that of a child. If you did indeed see a male part of her, it would have been evident in her mannerisms as well as her voice.

Incidentally, alters don't die. If an alter dies, so does the body. Alters are parts of the person, only separated in the mind.
Only when the person dies do the alters die. I have heard it said that some baby alters can die, but usually they have simply gone deep into the system and are sleeping. Adult alters can also go deep inside where the primary, or host, or 'main' is unable to contact them. But at the start, most people with DID are not in communication with their other parts and are often not aware that there are others, or how many.

It must be pointed out that DID is not a mental illness. It is a coping mechanism ;which was initiated usually before the age of 7 yrs. People with DID are not crazy or insane. Also, the violence is usually directed at themselves rather than others.

I would strongly urge you to try to persuade her to see a good Psychiatrist, - one who is familiar with DID preferably.

My thoughts are with you.

Patience,


Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams


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It sounds more like your wife is probably experiencing PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder with psychotic features. It would definitely be in the best interest of all to have her seen by a psychiatrist to accurately pinpoint what is going on... and most mental health communities have involuntary policies that hinge on the patient being a danger to themselves or others and having either a psychiatric problem or substance abuse issues. I do think it would be wise for you to assess the safety of yourself and your child, how to place yourselves away from the danger and then if possible - since I see you do indeed care for her - to get her help. It may require more of an effort than you can do alone though and it may be necessary for you to accept that. Be safe! That unpredictability is what results in many bad situations.

Last edited by Carissa_MentalHealth; 04/22/07 03:32 PM.

Carissa Vaughn Mental Health Editor
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Thank you all for your kind and insightful comments.

I forgot to mention that we live next to my wifes parents which is undoubtedly a recipe for madness, at least for me.

I wrote a letter to my wifes sister, outlining what happened, what I felt was wrong with my wife (at least depression) and how I felt her father who is a velvet glove abuser to his own wife and violent to so many others ==was very much a key problem in all of this. The apple didnt fall far from the tree..but the tree didnt do much to comfort the apples fall from grace when it was abused either.

Regarding that letter, two days ago, my brother in law (my wife's sisters husband) angrily called me up berating me for harassing his wife...saying she had called him up crying. I mentioned in the letter that I felt their own mother was living in an abusive relationship with her husband, my father in law(he is very oppressive--they dont even sleep in the same room anymore which is a clue if you ask me).

I also mentioned in that letter that my sister in laws husband had risked arrest for changing the locks to my house and for threatening me with violence several times. He kept up his threats on the phone and tried to imply I was harassing his wife.

When I told him about what my wife was doing to me, he defended it by saying I drove her to abuse and hit me; and that by pushing her aside after her abusive tirade was "still putting my hands on her." I finally hung up when my brother in law began calling me an insane parent (this from the man whos three year old toddler goes wondering off down the street, and whos house has had a gaping hole in which a child could fall and break their necks....he replies "kids are tough, they bounce back".
I probably got more threats in that phone call than I did in person the night of the event.

I am clearly dealing with mature, rational people as you can see.

I guess Im most depressed that my sister in law (who I sent that letter to) has seemingly done nothing...but cry. I believe my letter to her stuck cords of truth everywhere, but she seems more concerned with concealing or ignoring reality than confronting it. Familial piety....family can do no wrong.

Carissa....how do I get my wife to seek evaluation when her family wont even consider it....they blame me for all the problems. The only way the police said I could achieve this was to get her arrested...wouldnt that be peachy.

HJM...you asked me why Id stay in an abusive relationship. Its because I believe God has never abandoned us, and as hard as we can be, I believe he/she still loves us. As a father, I will not abandon my family even if I am the target. It is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. And I will learn from it, even though these are dark days. My parents loved me and did not abandon me when I was younger and foolish *and probably a bit insane as a teenager, and I wont abandon hope, even when all that may be left is an ash of an ash. If its the last thing I do, I will be a father and a husband...in sickness and in health.



If any of you pray... I know you dont know me, but God does. Please pray for sanity, clarity and a willingness to confront problems where they lay. I like what the last pope said...he you want peace, work for justice. Somehow that seems very relavent to my situation here.

Last edited by Seeking Peace; 04/25/07 03:09 AM.
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Amoeba
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I think that it may be quite an ordeal to get her to consider treatment - a lot of times when paranoia sets in they think every one is out to get them, they don't need help, etc. Unfortunately, a mental health committment does require an "arrest" per say. It is not a 'legal' arrest but one to comply with an order for involuntary committment. I'm sorry, truly, that you are having to go through this. I'm sorry also for her, in such a tormented mind that she is unable to make appropriate decisions. You have my prayers!


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Here's one way to get your wife into treatment: Use your own words, but here's the point: You need treatment. I want you to be better. So do you. You have to go to the hospital to get better. Let me take you. If you don't go with me, we will have to have the police come over and take you, so why not just let me drive you over.

This has worked for many many of my clients. They know they need treatment. They hate being sick. They don't want to be dragged away by the police, so they voluntarily sign the commitment papers at the admitting office. Realize that this is only a 72 hour commitment, but at least she might be seen by a psychiatrist and started off on some meds to get her settled down enough to seek further outpatient treatment.


Jan Goldfield

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Dear Seeking Peace,

I have read your posts as well as the many replies. The one thing that concerns me is your concentration on the details of the drama between you and your in-laws. Getting them to understand you is not your problem. Finding a diagnosis is also not your problem, especially if she is unwilling to do anything to correct it. The only problem I see here is that a child is suffering through this terrible ordeal between you and your wife. This child is also potentially in a dangerous and violent envirornment. This should be your one and only focus. There is another way, and it is the only way that you should be considering to get some help, and that is to contact your local child protective service agency. They will come to your home and investigate your situation. If what you describe is accurate, they will require your wife to seek help and they will guide her through it. If they deem her mentally unfit and she refuses treatment, she or the child will have to be removed from the home until she is fit to raise a child. This may require you being prepared to be a single parent if you have to. Their first priority is the child and that should be yours as well. They are a never-ending source of guidance, counseling and referrals to whatever services your family may require.

Good Luck & God Bless


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