Im unhappy with our relationship, but I am trying to consider that there are ups and downs and maybe we are just at a down time. He's neveer home always gone and I mean always. He comes home takes a shower and off he goes again. Always has a excuse for where he's going. Never can I go with him. The only thing I ask is that he calls me once or twice while he's out. Is that so bad? Oh and by the way he doesn't ever even call. So I'm a little ticked by the time he makes his next pit stop. So now I need to change cause i just nag at him ...let him tell it. (which i really don't but really should) Im very unhappy and hurt and it's like i don't even exist to him. What can I "DO" to get him to realize what he is about to loose??? or to get him to open his eyes?? Im so sad!!!

To be effected by what he may loose, he has to appreciate what he has and not want to loose it.

Let me ask from this angle, what is good and worth saving in your relationship?

His Brandy is correct.

Karma, this is NOT sounding like a healthy relationship, and doubt that you can convince him because either he would already be convinced to call or spend less time away, or he's never going to treat you better.

And please don't convince yourself this is an "up and down" thing... NEVER should you be with someone who is completely insensitive to your needs and pain. You said, "Like i don't even exist to him," ...that to me, sounds like an abusive situation. If you are in a relationship with this guy, you have every right to be able to talk things out with him, to have time together, and be treated with common courtesy... i.e.... calling when they are gone long and letting you know where they are.

If you earn enough to support yourself, i think you might want to consider ending the relationship soon. I know you love him, but it's not worth the pain and what it's doing to your self esteem! If you don't earn enough right now... i'd start working on it immediately.... sounds like it would not be much to him to leave. All he'd be missing is a shower, and he can get that somewhere else. If i were in this situation, and he weren't responding to the needs of the relationship (and he isn't)... i'd change the locks when he's out "wherever."

A very good question to begin.

Das, I have read many posts all over the net that are along the lines of looking for advice on how to save their marriage. I believe one has to know what it is that makes it worth saving.

Too often, I think that the poster is really wanting to revive what once was. What was is gone, we have today to deal with. If there isn't enough to cherish now and both partners are not committed to being together happily then there isn't much to try to worth with if anything at all.

I hope Kharma is doing okay.

I don't know Holly but misery is an awful thing to live with. I hope she finds a solution for a happier life.

i'm fairly new to the boards here. i MUST tell you all this: i KNOW what an abusive relationship is(been there, done that, so i HAVE the free t-shirt)!!! i've taken college psychology and i've learned much. it sounds like Kharma is an en-abler...i've thoughly studied the boards since i joined here and ALL of her post have the SAME RING to them !!! if i sound angry, i am because everyone has given her great advice and...she does NOTHING with it...even people with low self esteem get fed up and KNOW WHEN to call it quits...it may take them years or...the death of the abuser but...they DO survive and move on...sometimes tough-love needs to be exercised...what do YOU think ??

I couldn't agree with you more Duane! That makes it even worse on my part cause I'm not in denial I believe everything your saying. My only question I can't seem to find the answer to is ...Why? What makes me this way?

Hello,
Only you can figure out what makes you put up with things that you shouldn't. It could be alot of things, maybe abuse when you were growing up. If a parent has a drinking problem that too can affect a person. It also could be that you are too nice to people & put their needs above your own. I don't know. Now you are a adult & only you can change things in your life.
Sometimes women & men hope that the other person will change for the better & act different. But you are the only 1 who can take charge of your life.
I hear many women make excuses for men & they also say, I love him so much. But if a man is treating you without respect that is not love on his part. Some men & women will keep doing what they want as long as their partner allows it.
We all have choices. At times it is a good thing to use tough love. Sometimes therapy or self help groups are good.
You can't keep doing the same thing & expecting different results. Some women also feel that they always need a man around no matter what. They are afraid to be without a man. They don't want to be alone. It is better to be alone than to put up with someone who is not treating you good. Well, at least you are asking why you are this way & that is a good start. Maybe the next step is taking some positive action that is in your best interest. Judy K. Chicago

The reason is simple: You magnify every good thing he does all out of proportion ... and then you minimize the bad things; this way when you're upset you start to question WHY your upset and want to leave because you think he nice most of the time. Reality is, you're hanging on because of what you THINK HE IS CAPABLE of rather than what he actually doing.

Dez

All I can say is leave him. It's quite obvious from this point of view that he doesnt respect you. Without respect there is no solid ground to stand on. Respect is what keeps us from saying exactly what is on our mind and instead we sugar coat things to take care of our partners. He is saying out loud and clear that he doesnt want you near him or with him when he is out doing God knows what.