My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We decided long ago that we were not going to bring another person into the world ourselves. In fact, he had a vasectomy four years ago.

I am 36 years old and have had problems with my reproductive system- chronic pain, endometriosis, etc. I have other health problems too- osteoarthritis for one. Additionally, I have a three generational history of ovarian cancer in my family. My mother, grandmother and greatgrandmother all died of it. Not great odds. I've been under the care of an ob/gyn oncologist for seven years. One way to eliminate my pain/problems and virtually all my cancer risk is a hysterectomy and oopherectomy. So, last week after many years of thought, I went ahead with the surgery. I had my uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes removed. I am now on hormone replacement with a six inch incision in my belly. I think I will feel much better soon.

The odd thing is that I am feeling a sense of mourning for the loss of my "feminine" parts and the ultimate closure of all options. I think that this is mostly the preciptous drop in my hormones....or has the pervasive pro-creative propaganda has creeped into my subconscious more than I realized? Has anyone else been through this?

My reaction surprises me as the thought of pregnancy and childrearing elicits an "egad, NO!" in my brain. And it is not like I've never been around kids either- I taught middle and high school for years, volunteered in nurseries, babysat nieces/nephews, studied the changes in friends having kids....all of which only reinforced my total lack of desire to saddle myself with a kid. My only pang of regret comes with the loss of an experience and wondering how the blending of my husband and I would be....but I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a new life into the world. I mean, if I really wanted to parent...I would adopt...and so far, I'm not cruising the adoption websites.

So, I'm just putting this out there to see if anyone has been through this too or has any supportive comments? Anyone else in my boat?

And if any of the pro-parental/hyper-religious/baby gaa-gaa crowd are out there on this forum thinking of replying with some snide comment...PLEASE SAVE IT. I'm in a highly emotional hormonal state. I don't want to hear your junk. Besides, you should take a breath and cogitate on this instead...how many children did Jesus have? The Pope(s)? Mother Teresa? Et al.? Judge not, lest ye be judged. Thanks.

pmo- I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I haven't gone through it myself, but I know that I'd probably feel it too... by no means do I want a child, but I'd feel the loss of the *choice*, if you know what I mean. It's one thing to never intend to exercise an option, quite another to not have an option at all. (And when I have doubts about my own choice, they also tend to center around wondering what a blend of DH and I would be like, and an interest in the experience of pregnancy and birth- so I totally hear you on that.)
We're also socialized (unfortunately, IMHO) to believe that a lot of our worth as women lies in our possessing certain body parts. It's one of the reasons mastectomies, for example, can be so traumatic (regardless of one's reproductive capacity when it happens). It's not true- you're still you and as wonderful as before!!
The sudden change in your hormones can't be helping either- again, I'm so sorry. Sending lots of e-hugs and I hope you feel better soon!

PMO-I am sending you some e-hugs as well. You are experiencing a great loss, but with your family history and pain issues, that really seemed to be the best option for you. Yes, you would have still had the option but would you really want your nonexistent/hypothetical child to lose you to cancer? I think it is better to have the surgery before you developed cancer. Both of my grandmothers died of ovarian cancer, so I understand the risk.
I think it would only be natural to wonder what you and your husband would create. You and your husband have done what was right for you two and there is no shame in that. You two have created a loving relationship filled with happiness, laughter, and a mutual respect for each other. So, what's so wrong with that.

PMO:

I'm so sorry to hear you are having so many health problems, but I'm glad you made a decision to have a procedure that will improve your health.

I completely understand and symphathize with what you are going through. I feel the same way. I have NO desire to have children of my own, but they thought of no longer having that choice makes me sad.

In fact, my DH2B is getting a vasectomy, and I'm so glad he offered. I KNOW we won't want to get it reversed, but I'm just more comfortable with him having the procedure. And I'm so grateful he wants to do it.

My sister is going through the same thing right now. She was literally faced with the decision of having a hysterectomy last week because she had her second occurence of cervical cancer, and already had a double mastectomy at 29. She decided not to get it this time (she did the coning procedure instead), but if the cervical cancer comes back, she may have to. She does want kids, though, so it's tough. She can't get pregnant for another four years anyway because she's taking Tamoxyfin following her breast cancer. The forecast doesn't look. I don't think she should have one anyway b/c it's too risky with all of her health problems. She might not be able to handle a kid if she gets sick again.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. It is a loss, and it's natural for you to feel that way. It's probably just best to feel those feelings, and then the healing will begin. Go easy on yourself, and let yourself feel bad for a little while. You are normal, and having a very typical response.

We support you! I guess it's good to think about the other options that are available to you as a CF, and other cool things you can "create."

It might be inspiring to read a book about a cool CF woman. There's a new book coming out about Katharine Hepburn, who's famously CF. And, reading, that's something a lot of parents don't get to do

PMO, I feel you definately did the right thing having that surgery.

I cannot say I understand completely because I have not had those surgeries. I have had similar feelings though as I get older and realize that "time is running out". It is an emotional thing that seems completely out of my control. I think it is the losing of choice.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I am sending you an e-hug. Hang in there!

I know that's a huge surgery, I know several women who have had hysterectomies. Hang in there. I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't really know what to say. I'm glad that it will help you to feel better physically, and I hope that soon you feel better emotionally and mentally. Take it easy.

I just want you to know that I'm going through the same thing myself. I had a complete hysterectomy on May 4th due to severe endometreosis and I'm only 27. My husband and I will be married a year in June. We have talked since we met about how we didn't want kids but now that the option is gone it's hard to deal with. I'm mourning the fact that my body will never experience pregnancy, I won't ever get to see what a child of mine would look like. But I don't want to be a parent, I never have and like you, I couldn't justify bringing a child into the world because of my selfishness. I had to register for this site after I saw your post because the things you said just struck a chord with me, I'm thinking the same things. And it just seems like everywhere I go, everyone I know, every commercial, every book and every tv show have people that are pregnant. I haven't had my melt-down yet, I'm sure it's coming. I just started my hormone pills on Sunday so I haven't noticed anything yet. Keep in touch, I'd really like to know what you're doing to deal with it. It's nice to know there is someone else out there going through the same thing.

Is there a support group out there for women that have had a hysterectomy? It certainly seems like there should be. Especially for women of child bearing age. I am no doctor but you would think there would be something they could do to treat the endometrium without having to remove the uterus and the ovaries.
Candicy and PMO, many e-hugs to you both.

Candicy-

Welcome! We are all so glad you joined up. I had my surgery on April 24th. So I imagine you are still hurting quite a bit. I'm still swollen as they had to go through my belly. I'm just wondering when it will go down.

My doctor upped my estrogen when I went into see him the next week b/c I was having hot flashes and night sweats...so if you get those, don't suffer...ask about upping your dosage. Given how young you (and I) both are, the dose should be higher for us than the average menopausal woman. Now since I went up to 1mg per day I haven't had much trouble.

Also, I don't know if you have done much research into it, but there is a difference b/w the types of estrogen they can give you. One is Premarin made from congugated pregnant mare's (horse) urine....it is estrogen meant for a horse and not exactly like human estrogen....I refuse to take that for bioethical and health reasons....the mares have an awful life tied to a catheter and their foals are basically discarded. Then there is Estrace which is a "bio-equivalent" synthetic estrogen made to mimic our human estrogen. That is what I am on. I thought I'd let you know as most doctors don't really tell you the difference. I'm a horse person and that's how I know all about it.

Take care. Rest alot! I've been very tired...but sleep is what you need. Stay in touch on here.
Pmo

P.S. For others that were asking...there are other treatments for endometriosis, but they include long-term high dose hormones to stave it off (which have their own risks) or surgery to scrape it out or cauterize it. Then, there is no guarantee that it won't come right back after the surgery...this is a permanent solution.

PMO~
I had no idea about the Premarin, thank you for telling me. My Dr. put me on Estropipate 3mg a day. I can't find much online about it and I haven't heard of others taking it. To be honest, I took my heath insurance medicine list with the co-pays next to it and told the doctor to see if there were any medications that would work for me in the lowest co-pay bracket. I did ask him about the mixtures of hormones and he said straight estrogen should be ok. I am not one to sit back and listen politely, if I start feeling anything weird or start growing hair or any other weird side effects, he'll be getting a call!

I am still really sore and swollen, I didn't qualify for the endoscopic version so they cut me open too. I'm trying to follow orders and stay in bed and not lift or drive or do anything but walk a little bit. I just can't stay away from the computer when there are people like you going through the same thing as me. I like being able to compare notes. How long would you say it took you from when you started taking the pills to when you started getting hot flashes?

I sure hope this Estropipate is not causing some poor horse to suffer--if so, I'm calling the Dr. and having him change me to something else. My husband calls me "PETA" because I'm such an animal lover!