logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110


... are usually what women say about themselves in front of their lovers.
"I'm too fat."
"Does this make me fat?"
"I've got to lose those five pounds."

Why do we do that?
I've blogged about it.BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 279
H
Shark
Offline
Shark
H
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 279
I dont know why women do that but it is so predictable and BORING... Maybee insecurity or looking for reasurance perhaps, the woman wants the man to follow "the script" and say "of course you dont look fat in that" or whatever she NEEDS to hear.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
Hi Hope816,
Yes, I'd say that's probably part of it, an insecurity about ourselves and our constant comparisons with others. It's not one of our finer traits ...


Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
I love that comment in a coffee advert...
1st Friend, (trying on a dress in a department store):

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

2nd friend, (half reading a magazine):
"No. Your FAT makes you look fat."

Ever since I heard this, I don't ask my partner this question any more. If my jeans fit, I'm ok. If my jeans don't fit, I cut out the carbs for a week.

But stop chewing yourself up about it - !!

Kat Wilder #310417 04/30/07 04:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
I wonder if it makes a difference after one has been married awhile?

When we were dating and newly married, I would ask if something looked good on me to him because I couldn't see myself as looking desirable, ever. I wanted to know if it appealed to him. If it did then I'd settle for his being happy.

Now, I want to be happy with what I see. I do feel I need to loose a couple of pounds and I literally mean that, it's more a need to tone and be fit than loose. I have made comments to my husband and I don't want or expect any flattery from him, I want motivation and tips in getting where I want to be.




His Brandy #310454 04/30/07 06:47 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
You gals bring up a a good point, I think � very often we DO know when we're not looking our best (judged by the pants or dress we love being a bit snug, etc.)

It's up to us to get going on a way to change that, either by exercising, eating smaller portions or both. And, if you say it, say it once. If you're still saying weeks down the road, you ain't doing it!!!!

Honestly, tho, most men are not as critical of women as we are of each other and ourselves. A naked woman who wants him is still a naked woman who wants him!!!

Kat Wilder #310466 04/30/07 09:43 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 279
H
Shark
Offline
Shark
H
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 279
Originally Posted By: Kat Wilder


Honestly, tho, most men are not as critical of women as we are of each other and ourselves. A naked woman who wants him is still a naked woman who wants him!!!


How true.Some women are so catty toowards each other and really sometimes I think we can be our own worst enimies in this regard.

Hope816 #310499 05/01/07 02:06 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
D
das Offline
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
D
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
True. Women are catty towards each other.

das #310526 05/01/07 05:04 AM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Maybe it comes down to Resepect - for ourselves and for others...If we don't have sufficient or 'healthy' self-respect, this, in my experience, makes us respect others less. Sometimes this comes across as arrogance, or as discussed here, cattiness....We have an over-inflated sense of self worth, because in actual fact, our self-respect is a load of hot air....
we give the impression of utter confidence, but in fact, it hides insecurity.

if only we could understand how wonderful we all already are....

By all means, respect your body. Feed it healthily, and care for it. It's your ownly vehicle from birth to the end, so it deserves maintenance. But at the same time, nurture your mind. Your attitudes, your opinions, your views.... all are changeable, variable, flowing....The person you were last week is not the person you are now. You know more, you've seen more and you've had a weeks' worth more experience. Adapt. Travel, and meander, but enjoy the ride of your Life; it's not an ordeal, it should be a pleasure....

If we had a friend that kept saying "you're getting a bit porky there, that blouse looks a mess! Jeez, look at the size of your hips, gal you sure are ugly! You don't really think you should wear those pants, do you?" we would soon lose interest in being with her, she'd make us feel so down, most of the time.....some friend! But that's what we do to ourselves, all the time, isn't it?! So why aren't we our own best friends?

At times, the worst liars and critics, are our own fears.

Listen to them, but only to identify them as the crass, deluding dishonest references we constantly subject ourselves to.
Then reject them, and move on. Stop listening to them. Pretty soon, their voices will be a mere squeak....

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
I don't know why we aren't our own best friends...it's ironic that we're with ourselves every second of the day, yet we can be our own worst critics -- or even enemies! I wonder if it would make a difference if our moms were super-loving and ultra-supportive? Maybe if we were taught self-acceptance and self-love from the crib we'd be easier on ourselves.

The trouble with being hard on ourselves is that it can spill over into being hard on the people we love. I know I'm harsher on my husband because I'm hard on myself.

Last edited by Laurie_Body_Image; 05/01/07 11:18 AM.
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
Hey Laurie, please don't just blame the moms!

Actually, it shouldn't be about blame; our parents are human and made their share of mistakes (as I am sure I am making mine!) but unless it was abuse, they meant well. That said, whatever negative things they said, or whatever "dysfunction" we observed as kids stays with us as the internalized messages. That's what we need to break free from.

And it's true that we tend to be harder on those we love. Why oh why? Because we can? Awareness is the first step; being kinder comes next .. especially with someone we promised to love, honor and cherish.

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Who said anything about blame?

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
I was just referring to your comment:

"I wonder if it would make a difference if our moms were super-loving and ultra-supportive? "

I was questioning your choice of words � moms versus parents.

But, I didn't mean it to come out harsh, so my apologies if it did.

Kat Wilder #310785 05/02/07 11:47 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3
G
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
G
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3
I love it! Point taken.

W.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 29
P
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
P
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 29
It certainly does have to do with you own self image. My boyfriend is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. He never likes me to talk about a diet because he likes a little extra meat. Yet I worry about it all the time. Who am I trying to impress really??


Celebrate Your Shape!!
www.sweaterdoves.com
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Hey Kat, no worries. I don't know why I said "our moms" instead of "our parents", but I know I wasn't blaming women! Maybe it's because we learn so much about how we think about our bodies from our moms. Mothers role model body image more than fathers, I think. I could easily be wrong, and it's probably different from family to family. Dads can influence how we feel about ourselves, no doubt about it. But if your mom says "you look beautiful" while complaining about her own weight, hair, or face -- then it sort of takes the oomph out of her compliment, especially if you look like her!

My husband doesn't care about my weight, either. We're definitely not trying to impress men (again, it's different for everyone so maybe I shouldn't say "definitely not"!). But I think we compare ourselves to superstars, magazine models, and thin pretty women on the street. We don't live up to our own standards -- that's what worries us.


Last edited by Laurie_Body_Image; 05/04/07 12:37 PM.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
Laurie,

If I had listened to my Mom, I would feel great about my body.

I experienced teasing at school for the way I looked and dressed. In fourth grade my hair was cut shorter than many boys after I developed psoriasis. I was subjected to my classmates passing around a poll for class nerd and I got the most votes. I was mistaken for a boy several times. If that wasn't bad enough then a patch of psoriasis was seen one day and a rumor I was diseased maybe even having AIDS was passed around school.

So I looked in the mirror and saw an undesirable leprous stick. And what I thought of me didn't seem to matter so much when I spent my lunch hours alone and ducked spitballs.

In jr high when I felt I was getting away from that, one of my male classmates found it funny to point at me, laugh and nickname me "No breasts".

This has effected how I viewed myself for years. Even today, I can sometimes hear their voices when I look in the mirror. I have to take long breaths...they don't matter.







Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 311
My heart goes out to you, Brandy -- isn't it amazing and scary how kids' voices stick? Our most vulnerable and formative years, and we're faced with bullies and insensitive people....sad. What we do to each other is really sad. Sometimes what we do to ourselves is even sadder (we can perpetuate destruction and cruelty, I think).

I'm glad your mom was supportive!

Do you ever wonder what became of those kids? Are they happy now, do they remember you? Do they have any regrets about their words or actions? I wonder if spreading around that much meanness and cruelty set them up for a lifetime of bitterness, pain, and anger.

You're right, though: they don't matter.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 267
I do find it frightening that children or teens can so painfully shape the opinions and feelings of others. My husband and I felt so strongly about it that we chose to homeschool our children. We don't shelter them but we do offer a safe and healthy foundation to explore the world from.

I do wonder what happened to many of my classmates. I have no contact with anyone from school. And honestly, I prefer that.










Joined: May 2007
Posts: 6
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 6
We Often blame the media for our lack of self-image. All of the exploitaion of women. But truly our competitive nature and the need the be the brightest bell at the ball has actually created the situation. Really it comes down to pro-creation, we have to flash our brightest feathers to get the best mate. It's human nature we can't help it.


Inspiring Dreams
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
Originally Posted By: sadandscared
We Often blame the media for our lack of self-image. All of the exploitaion of women. But truly our competitive nature and the need the be the brightest bell at the ball has actually created the situation. Really it comes down to pro-creation, we have to flash our brightest feathers to get the best mate. It's human nature we can't help it.


It may be human nature or instinct...but the thing that separates us from all the othe animals (no not an opposable thumb! ;)) is the ability to overrule our instinct and think logically.

We know that the majority of models are not the norm and it is unrealistic to try to meet those standards, but we have to acknowledge it and accept ourselves.


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Kat Wilder #317449 05/26/07 11:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 528
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 528
The only reason I am 'unhappy with my weight' is because I have a hard time finding cute clothes! crazy

Yes, I ask my BF frequently if this pair of pants or that shirt makes me 'look fat', especially in combination. But in my case at least, it's an honest question, and has nothing to do with wanting reassurance... I know that, as a bigger girl, some clothes are complimentary, and some are not, and it can be hard to tell on yourself sometimes.

JennieK #318775 06/01/07 08:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 55
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 55
Here's my 2 cents and a little of what I went through. I was a thin child until puberty, then I "developed". Kids were cruel and I was often targeted because of the size of my breasts. I still am large even after a weight loss of 40 pounds (due to diabetes, not dieting). Not only has weight been an issue, but because of the weight my health has been affected.

We see celebs with perfect bodies and as teen girls we idolize them and think if we could only be that size then we'd have no problems with making the popular friends or getting that boy we like. Self image is difficult when you're 16. Look at who the kids have nowadays to idolize. Brittney Spears, Christine Aguilera, Kate Moss, and the Olson twins. None of those girls are larger than a toothpick. You don't hear many of them say "I wish I could look like Queen Latifah or Camryn Manheim." I still look at the mags and think 'oh, if I were only that size'.

What's really hard is when I walked into a Victoria's Secret store and the sales lady said they didn't have anything 'my size.' What?? Larger women aren't supposed to wear sexy clothes??? Or when I shop at the larger department stores and the plus size clothes look like something my grandmother would wear and the only other alternative is junior plus size which is way to juvenile looking. Even the plus size shops like Lane Bryant have the matronly looking clothes. I'm only 47, not 70. Plus when you look at size charts and size 12 is now considered plus size.... And if you're into designer duds, you've got to be a size 2 to wear anything that the designers make.

Yeah, I'm happy with my size 16 jeans (I still wear a size 20 top because of the size of my breasts), but according to my doctor I should weigh about 119 pounds. Which is about a size 4 or so. That is another thing, the weight charts. What you're supposed to weigh for your height and bone structure. I'm 5'3" tall and small boned, according to the chart I should weigh 119. I weigh 170 and I'm starting to feel much better health wise. Now if only clothes designers would start designing clothes for all sizes, I'd be a happy camper.

So, I don't think it's quite right to blame mom and dad for low self esteem. As women and young girls we have size shoved in our faces since the time we hit puberty. And it pretty much follows us all our lives.

Last edited by Raynefalls; 06/01/07 08:41 AM.
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Nadine - Editor 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Make It Sew Easier
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 03/27/24 04:34 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/27/24 01:31 PM
Planner Template Kit - Weekly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:39 PM
Planner Template Kit - Yearly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:37 PM
How to Use Digital Planner Template Kit
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:36 PM
Review - 20 Illustrator Color tips Helen Bradley
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:32 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/26/24 12:27 PM
Hobotrader unleashes never seen opportunity with i
by Jamal molla - 03/26/24 11:55 AM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 03/25/24 09:05 AM
Genealogy, Sort of
by Angie - 03/24/24 05:39 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5