BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Image The ultimate put-downs ....

Hey Laurie, please don't just blame the moms!

Actually, it shouldn't be about blame; our parents are human and made their share of mistakes (as I am sure I am making mine!) but unless it was abuse, they meant well. That said, whatever negative things they said, or whatever "dysfunction" we observed as kids stays with us as the internalized messages. That's what we need to break free from.

And it's true that we tend to be harder on those we love. Why oh why? Because we can? Awareness is the first step; being kinder comes next .. especially with someone we promised to love, honor and cherish.

Who said anything about blame?

I was just referring to your comment:

"I wonder if it would make a difference if our moms were super-loving and ultra-supportive? "

I was questioning your choice of words � moms versus parents.

But, I didn't mean it to come out harsh, so my apologies if it did.

I love it! Point taken.

W.

It certainly does have to do with you own self image. My boyfriend is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. He never likes me to talk about a diet because he likes a little extra meat. Yet I worry about it all the time. Who am I trying to impress really??

Hey Kat, no worries. I don't know why I said "our moms" instead of "our parents", but I know I wasn't blaming women! Maybe it's because we learn so much about how we think about our bodies from our moms. Mothers role model body image more than fathers, I think. I could easily be wrong, and it's probably different from family to family. Dads can influence how we feel about ourselves, no doubt about it. But if your mom says "you look beautiful" while complaining about her own weight, hair, or face -- then it sort of takes the oomph out of her compliment, especially if you look like her!

My husband doesn't care about my weight, either. We're definitely not trying to impress men (again, it's different for everyone so maybe I shouldn't say "definitely not"!). But I think we compare ourselves to superstars, magazine models, and thin pretty women on the street. We don't live up to our own standards -- that's what worries us.

Laurie,

If I had listened to my Mom, I would feel great about my body.

I experienced teasing at school for the way I looked and dressed. In fourth grade my hair was cut shorter than many boys after I developed psoriasis. I was subjected to my classmates passing around a poll for class nerd and I got the most votes. I was mistaken for a boy several times. If that wasn't bad enough then a patch of psoriasis was seen one day and a rumor I was diseased maybe even having AIDS was passed around school.

So I looked in the mirror and saw an undesirable leprous stick. And what I thought of me didn't seem to matter so much when I spent my lunch hours alone and ducked spitballs.

In jr high when I felt I was getting away from that, one of my male classmates found it funny to point at me, laugh and nickname me "No breasts".

This has effected how I viewed myself for years. Even today, I can sometimes hear their voices when I look in the mirror. I have to take long breaths...they don't matter.

My heart goes out to you, Brandy -- isn't it amazing and scary how kids' voices stick? Our most vulnerable and formative years, and we're faced with bullies and insensitive people....sad. What we do to each other is really sad. Sometimes what we do to ourselves is even sadder (we can perpetuate destruction and cruelty, I think).

I'm glad your mom was supportive!

Do you ever wonder what became of those kids? Are they happy now, do they remember you? Do they have any regrets about their words or actions? I wonder if spreading around that much meanness and cruelty set them up for a lifetime of bitterness, pain, and anger.

You're right, though: they don't matter.

I do find it frightening that children or teens can so painfully shape the opinions and feelings of others. My husband and I felt so strongly about it that we chose to homeschool our children. We don't shelter them but we do offer a safe and healthy foundation to explore the world from.

I do wonder what happened to many of my classmates. I have no contact with anyone from school. And honestly, I prefer that.

We Often blame the media for our lack of self-image. All of the exploitaion of women. But truly our competitive nature and the need the be the brightest bell at the ball has actually created the situation. Really it comes down to pro-creation, we have to flash our brightest feathers to get the best mate. It's human nature we can't help it.