BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Spirituality What does the word 'Forgive' mean to you?

There was an earlier topic about forgiveness, and many people stated that they could forgive.

Patience said that she prefers to use the word 'Accept' instead of 'forgive' - and I would like to hear what this word 'forgive' means to others, especially those who say thay can forgive even the worst crimes done to them or their loved ones.

I will honestly admit that there are some things I can forgive, and some that I cannot forgive, and never will forgive. But first, let me define what to 'forgive' means to me.

For me, to forgive means the following:

1) To look at the person or people, and treat them as if what they did to me or others never happened. Or,

2) To look upon them in the belief that they did not mean it.

3) To continue to love and respect them.

4) To be willing to embrace them as friends.

This is what the word 'forgive' means to me.

I am only able to do this in some situations where the person is truly sorry, and says so, or where there have been extenuating circumstances which convince me that they were not responsible.

For the other cases, such as torture of animals, satanic ritual abuse, destruction of lives by mental, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse on a major level (as in prison camps and child abuse)I am unable to forgive as described, but I may accept what happened and move on in my life. This does not mean that I regard them as 'not responsible' and I do not 'love or respect' them. I simply accept that these things happened in an imperfect world, and some people are just plain wicked, and I don't have to love them, welcome them back into my life, or have sympathy for them. Quite the opposite. I hope they are severely punished and get back 'in full measure' what they have given.

I learn from the experience, and steer clear of people like that in future. I have love and compassion and understanding for their victims and do what I can to support them.

What do you mean when you say you forgive? Do you really forgive these serious crimes if they are committed against you or those you love? Is it really forgiveness, or is it acceptance? or something else?

To me forgive means that we forget totally about something. It leaves no mark on us.

I don't like the word "forgive" and I don't use it very often. It feels like too religious a word for me, based on past, negative experiences.

Instead, I use the word "let go". That is the essence of the concept of "forgiveness" for me. It is not excusing or accepting or forgetting what is done to me, but it is learning from the experience, taking what I need to remember, and letting the hurt go.

Interestingly, when Oprah did a show on The Secret, there was a fascinating comment that put "forgive" into a totally new light for me (although I'm still not sure that it is the right word for me). The comment was something like: When you "forgive" someone, you really say "thank you FOR GIVING me this experience." That doesn't mean acceptance, it means looking for the lesson and taking only that away from the experience.

Worth thinking about maybe.

Let go is a nice word.

This is interesting....
I accept what Elle says when she feels that the word 'Forgive' has a religious connotation for her...yet we scramble around the language, looking for suitable alternatives, and borrow other words, like, 'Accept' or 'let Go'...we evn play with the language, by splitting words and saying things like 'For Giving'....

This isn't a criticism. Oh no. It's an observation of how far forward we have moved with our psychology of coping and dealing with experiences, to the measure that our rich and varied English language has not managed to keep up, catch up or have adequate expressions to denote precisely what we mean. We used to know what 'Forgiveness' meant, because we had a narrower social, ethical and moral viewpoint. Now, with the increased awareness of our own consciousness, Mental Power and role in this Life, the usual words just don't cut it.....

Maybe we need to find a new word, which illustrates exactly the power of "forgiveness" - The release of having to carry the torment around with us, the end of futile suffering, the exorcism of the haunting, constant influence bestowed upon us by whatever or whoever inflicted the pain....


And what better place to start coining a really good word, but here....?

In the meantime, may I borrow from an ancient language, and wholeheartedly wish all those who have endured suffering, and are still in the midst of their suffering, the following:

Metta, Karuna, and Upeka*.

With love,

Alexandra


*(Metta embraces all beings, Karuna embraces all those who suffer, Upekkha embraces the good, bad, loved and unloved, pleasant and unpleasant.)

All good points here. I think the reference to language is a notable one.

Letting go is also very important, and I believe it goes hand in glove with acceptance. You can't accept without letting go, and you can't let go without acceptance. Or so it seems to me.

Patience.

I am a great admirer of Oprah, but I think this reference would only apply in some situations where no great damage has been done. For example, it is a good thing to think on if you have been betrayed by a friend, or such like; - but hardly suitable if the person you are 'thanking' for the learning experience has just murdered your child!

I really think what we are finding here are 'degrees' of hurt. Different rules (for lack of a better word) apply in different situations of harm done to us. How we are able to react will depend on what the offence was, and the depth of destruction it caused.

I am reminded of how, in hospital, I was asked to describe my pain on a scale from 1 to 10. But for some people, what I might put as 5 (I have a high pain tolerance)they might put as 10, and sometimes, when you compare it to the greaest pain you have up to that point experienced, you might think that they should increase it to 20!! For someone with a high pain tolerance, an answer of '5' might lead the doctor to think that your pain isn't very bad and that therefore there can't be much wrong with you, - while another person with the same condition might say 10, and yet your 5 and their 10 are really the same degree of pain and equally as serious. I personally feel that this is a very poor way of discerning how much pain a person is in and how serious it is.

The degree of pain may be experienced very differently for each individual, so 'forgiving', for some deeds committed, may be a simpler matter for some than for others, because of the degree of pain experienced from what might seem to be the same deed. The "It only hurt you, but it nearly killed me" response.

(does that make sense?!)

Patience.

You're absolutely right. And I didn't like the idea of "thanking" the person either, but I wanted to quote it as closely as I remembered the comment.

To my mind, it's not a case of "thanking" or accepting a terrible experience or allowing the person who committed a horrible act to "get away with it" at all.

The Oprah comment started a whole new train of thought in my mind :

When we have an experience - positive or negative - we gain self knowledge during that process. This is neither a good nor bad thing, it simply is what is. No one sends us "trials" and "tests" so that we can learn something from it. It just is. This concept of realising what we have gained in self knowledge is what we learn to recognise and appreciate. And that to me is the concept of "forgiveness". It has nothing to do with the culprit, and everything to do with looking for self growth in all situations.

(So, even though the comment sparked my understanding, I don't quite agree with the somantics either - no one has "given" me the experience; I have gained by myself. And there is no one to "thank" for it; only the appreciation of the growth within.)

Yes, our language is narrow sometimes.

Yes Elle,
I have learned valuable lessons from every negative experience (even if it is only to NOT believe everything people promise me!)

An experience, no matter how bad, can either make us stronger, or bring us down. Like you, I prefer to grow stronger and wiser.

Patience.

Live each day as if it were your last.

Is this possible, patience?