BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Many issues

Hi! This is my first post to this forum. Actually my first post about my situation anywhere. Over the last year or so, due to H's ride to work( he doesn't have a license), he has become accustomed to going to a bar every day after work. He is drunk a couple times throughout the week and can get nasty when he is. Nothing physical. Now, we are also having behavior problems with my 12 year old son, mostly in school. My H is the one to be harder about discipline out of the 2 of us, again nothing physical (he is not son's bio father BTW). When I need to talk to him about a situation and he's drunk, it ends up in a fight. This is frustrating. Also about this bar...for awhile he wouldn't answer his cell phone or call me to let me know he would be late but that has been getting better I must say to his credit, but it makes me suspicious. I noticed that he isn't wearing his wedding ring when he comes home at the end of the day. I know he takes it off to work (he does physical work and it pinches his skin while working) this I understand. So why isn't it on while he's sitting at the bar? He just carries it around in his pocket. He is not the type to cheat, has never cheated on anyone, ever as far as I know, but the final straw for me was when he introduced me to the barmaid at this bar (one of the few times I have been in) as another woman's name who just so happens to be the same name as one of the barmaids. I can't deal with the drinking, fighting and this other [censored] with this freakin' bar. I love my husband to death but when he's drunk & mean it's making me have feelings towards him that I really don't like. Things are great when he's sober, usually. Our problem area is how to parent. I am far from perfect but I am working on myself now and have been. What would any of you think or do? Am I being overly dramatic?

You're right. Those are a lot of issues. The alcoholism issue is a big one in and of itself. The parenting issue is, too. As for fears of him cheating, that seems like the least of your worries. If he's a regular at a bar and is truly "devoted" to his drinking, then he probably isn't also cheating on the side. He's simply flirting at best, I imagine. Staying at the bar and drinking and flirting with the occasional barmaid who makes him feel young again (because after all, he's paying/tipping her to) is simply a way for him to avoid the reality of his situation. He clearly has some deep-rooted problems, and both the staying out late and the drinking are self-destructive avoidance mechanisms.

I don't know what to tell you to do about any of it, however. If he won't get treated for the alcoholism, it's doubtful he'll be able to deal with any of the underlying issues that have become such large problems in his life, your life, and your son's life. You should probably try to approach him about the alcoholism in a non-judgmental manner (if possible). But if he won't listen to reason and there is any fear of him becoming violent, then perhaps the only thing you can do is distance yourself from him, for your son's safety as much as your own.

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Hey, Notsure, I am too married to a practicing alcoholic. I love him with all my heart but it continues to break when I see him pick up another beer. I must admit that his drinking has dwindled quite a bit since I talked to him about my concerns. We have two fabulous kids and his drinking has yet to affect them. My husband also suffers from ADHD which, in turn, adds excellerated aggression when he drinks. I know that counselors will go through their textbooks and ask you if you really want to be married to an alcoholic, but they do not see the situation from our eyes. We married them because they were great men at one point in time and they do have the ability to show us that past person from time to time. I agree that if he lays a finger on you, that you should move toward the exit sign, but if you have been raised in a christian home (like me), you have to evaluate your marriage from a biblical perspective and use creative methods to keep him from becoming aggressive to you or the kids. My first piece of advice for you is this...when he becomes hateful to you....become a broadway actress. I know this sounds silly but it works. My husband has not laid a finger on me because he thinks I'm the weaker party from my dramatic outbursts from his drinking personality fits. If he says something negative (e.g. "[censored]"), I pretend it's the biggest insult he could have ever said to me. If he pinches me, I pretend he's broken off my arm. I know this sounds childish, but remember, you are not dealing with an adult anymore when they drink. By letting out your inner actress, I've learned that they see the silliness and realize the idiots they make of themselves or they see what their drinking does to not just their behavior but yours as well. My second piece of advice is this....communication. Sit him down, tell him what you think, what you feel, and what you think this fool is up to. If he loves you, he will talk with you and shoot a little honesty your way. Be dramatic with it, too. If he cannot see you hurting, then he is cheating or he never loved you and was not worth you time. I am lucky. My husband adores me and has changed when he noticed my behavior going crazy with his alcoholic ways. Believe it or not (although the counselors may oppose), people can change. Alcoholics can limit their drinking and can quit. They can also love their families enough to see them hurting and want to change...sometimes you just have to play the part to let them see the hurt.

For some reason, my happy ending to this post did not get posted. It was pretty late, so I guess I was scatterbrained and sleepy. It was supposed to say "former practicing alcoholic". My point was that my husband did see the err of his ways and did limit his drinking massively when we got our foster kids...his attitude completely changed for the better and does not drink in or around our kids. I'll admit it still scares me when I do see him pick up a beer but his attitude has changed completely because (as he explained to me) he knew he was hurting his family. He stops after no more than two. He drinks about twice a month. I am so proud of him now. He now wants me to watch over him and help him and in return, he helps me with my bad eating habits. I apologize for the mistake. He also credits my dramatic acts to his wanting to quit. He said he knew that if his actions could make me act like a child, then he knew (one day) it would eventually make me leave. I do not condone sticking around for any abuse but I do believe in giving people a chance (or two--but no more than that) to change their ways. There are ways to cope and help them see the hurt and sometimes marketing yourself in the right way will make you completely visible to him. Sorry for making him sound like a barbarian.

Thanks for the replies. After numerous talks and arguements, things are much better. He is still drinking but is not getting beligerent like he was. I think he finally realized how much damage it was doing to our relationship and our family.

I wish you well and hope all works out.

As do I (wish you well). It is a tough road and sometimes you bounce back to where you started. If he loves you enough, he will keep trying and if you love him enough, you will keep waiting. My husband is not perfect and alcoholism is a bad disease to fight. Just remember, it can take the average alcoholic up to 7 times to go into full recovery but he will need a loving wife to help support his decisions to limit or completely quit his alcohol intake. You are in my prayers. Please send me a message, Notsure, if you need an ear to listen.